Your Worth
Maya Angelou once said, “History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, however, if faced with courage, need not be lived again.” Sometimes folks don’t seem to understand that concept. Facing your life with courage means that you may be forced to make decisions that are not necessarily easy or may even break your heart. Living with courage means that you recognize that you MUST live with dignity; a dignity that allows you to proudly look at yourself in the mirror each day without feeling the need to avert your eyes. What I’m leading to is the “why” some men and women feel trapped into dealing with individuals that do not serve any positive purpose in their lives. Don’t ever confuse lustful attachment and bad habits with love. Here are some tips to follow if you are having trouble letting go:
** If your partner has no respect for your dreams, desires or interests – they’re not for you.
** If your partner has priorities that in no way appear to involve you – they’re not for you.
** If your partner has shown you disrespect by sleeping with people in your circle – family, friends, co-workers – they’re not for you.
** If your partner consistently fails to come through when you need them – be it emotionally and/or financially – they’re not for you.
** If your partner belittles you, verbally/physically abuses you – they’re not for you.
** If your partner cannot seem to see you through the eyes of their heart and is unable to recognize your love for them – they’re not for you.
** If you struggle to find the reasons why you are committed to someone that no one in your circle of life (family and close friends) appear to like – they’re not for you.
You see, before you can be in a committed loving relationship, you have to have TRUE love for yourself. No one ever died from being single – no one. However, many have died because they didn’t put themselves first. Your partner should not isolate you from your friends and family. Love means, I’m proud to share the person I care about with the world – not the overwhelming shame to be seen communicating with the person. True love doesn’t need to hide. True love doesn’t need to meet in shadows or avoid the eyes of onlookers.
In 2007, I want to recognize love when it arrives, but keep from confusing love with my want to have someone by my side. Evaluate your love; not for others, but for yourself. Know your worth. Here’s to true love.
On Blast
Do you know what you’re worth?
Keep passin’ the open windows…
Slugger Slugged; Recovering
Some folks just can’t do anything right – including getting hit by a car. After leaving two messages on my voicemail Saturday afternoon, my friend Slugger aka Roosevelt, stepped off the curb, checking to be sure no oncoming traffic approached. Problem is, the car heading top speed in reverse down his one way street never saw Slugger. Result: Multiple contusions, abrasions, etc. I visited with Slugger last night where he was recovering at his home. His Jewish lawyer was refreshing the bandage on his knee. Enough said.
The Princess Turns 40
My sister Evelyn will be turning 40 on Sunday. We’re set to celebrate her birthday at a new upscale bowling alley – yes folks, I said bowling alley – where the food is catered, the DJ is pumpin’ and there’s plenty of reason to stay out of the gutter. Evelyn and 15 of her closest friends and family will be there, including our parents who fly in that morning. Happy birthday sis. You’ll always be our princess.
For the Record
If you’ve been buried under a rock the last few months, you probably missed the remark by ABC’s Grey’s Anatomy alum, Isaiah Washington. Just before T.R. Knight – another of Grey’s cast – came out of the closet and declared he was gay, Washington reportedly called him a “faggot” on the set setting off a firestorm of debate and comments; mostly revolving around whether he actually called Knight a “faggot.” As it turns out, after all of Washington’s denials, he admitted to calling Knight a “faggot.” So what’s the deal? Why wasn’t Washington fired? I pondered whether Knight would have been fired if he had blatantly called Washington a nigger on the set. I guess that question will be answered shortly. Grey’s cast is presently in contract negotiations for next season. Ladies and gentleman, for the record, it is NOT okay to call anyone – gay or straight – a faggot. It’s not funny, it’s not PC and regardless of how loud the voice in your head is saying it, keep it to yourself.
On Blast
Many of my friends have said that sometimes people become confused about using a specific epithet because it is appropriated and used so frequently by the intended oppressed group. For example, I have straight friends who have used the word “faggot” and Latino friends who have used the word “nigger” because they’ve heard it tossed around so easily.
As gays and/or Blacks are we responsible for ending the confusion by NOT using epithets that would be considered offensive if we heard them from someone outside of our respective groups?
Keep passin’ the open windows…
Say It Isn’t So; Noah’s Arc Cancelled
Clay Cane, a fellow blogger and actual reporter for various mainstream publications and websites, interviewed a Logo spokesperson who confirmed that Noah’s Arc has not been renewed for a third season. The executive goes on to mention that the channel is in “talks” to have a movie about the all-black gay series done and on the market by 2008. By all indications – including the exec at Logo – Noah’s Arc is Logo’s most watched and supported show. Patrik Ian Polk did not cancel the show, so the decision to cancel the first black gay series on television appears to be Logo. To say that I’m disappointed is an understatement. Since Logo is a fledgling network, I just assumed that they would keep their most viewed show on the air – wrong! I guess being known as the gay network with the highest rated show being about black gay men was just a little more diversity than the channel could deal with. Logo viewers can now look forward to reruns of Queer as Folk and a host of other – almost exclusively white – gay men from around the globe. I guess you can say that white men from around the globe still trump black men from around the way, even when the viewers are American men – many of whom are men of color. Sign a petition to send LOGO the message about how we feel about Noah's Arc by going here http://www.petitiononline.com/noah/petition.html
Am I A Marsupial?
Kangaroos are marsupials – animals that have small pouches to allow their young to develop after their actual birth. This morning, the nine degree temperature and below zero wind chills in NYC made me ask if I was a marsupial. If you’re one of those beautiful people who haven’t quite gotten the moral of this story yet, my testes appeared to recede into my body during my 20-minute wait at the bus stop this morning. As I now sit in my toasty office and await my left nut to emerge, I brace myself for a frigid weekend. Per the weather service, today is the coldest day for NYC in two years.
Sell-A-Bit Update
With temperatures plummeting, it has become more apparent that I’m not actively doing the bump-and-grind. This weekend is the last weekend of freedom and possibility before my parents arrive in New York City. As many of you know, my parents normally stay with me and the momentous event is filled with love and prescribed medication. Yes, I will keep my blog family posted on the happenings in the Cocoa clan. In addition, my boi Philippe is visiting NYC from Chicago next weekend…Fluff, you’ll experience a scene out of Meet the Parents. This weekend, I will tidy up, put away the unmentionables and try to continue my foray into being celibate – I think.
On Blast
We’ve discussed this a few times around these parts… I love song lyrics. Last night Glitter was on VH1 – yes, I know I’m the only person who owns a copy of Mariah Carey’s Glitter – and I watched straight through to the 1 a.m. end. The lyrics to most of the songs on the Glitter soundtrack are beautiful. Most striking for me is the song, Reflections (Care Enough). What song from a motion picture strikes an emotional chord that resounds through your soul?
Keep passin’ the open windows….
Chicken Noodle Soup
For those not familiar with the catchy-yet-annoying rap song, Chicken Noodle Soup, don’t worry; this post has nothing to do with that song! This particular rant has everything to do with the E-Coli poisoning I experienced at the hands of the West 72nd Street Dallas BBQ on Sunday night. All I can think right now is, “What the f*ck?!?!?” After a pleasurable weekend that included no dates – this will be covered later – I decided to take my favorite cousin Nancy and my boy Herbie out to dinner Sunday night. We figured we’d sit for an inexpensive meal at Dallas BBQ – a joint known for their generous portions and savory southern fixins. Well, it turns out the fixins had a little more wrong-in than fixin’ on Sunday night because the three of us suffered the worse case of E-Coli poisoning we had ever encountered. The bloating, followed by the stabbing pain, followed by the contractions and eventual vomiting and diarrhea, are something none of us bargained for. Three days later and it still sounds like I have Star War’s Chubaka trapped in my abdomen. So I’m surviving on yogurt, chicken noodle soup and water. Remember those pesky few pounds I wanted to drop… well, they’re dissolving like candles by a forest fire now!
Failure to LaunchMy scheduled three dates were transformed into a no-dater weekend, after I opted to spend most of my weekend with my cousin having some “fam” time. We watched the entire season of Noah’s Arc where I was given the opportunity to explain that most gay men don’t sound, dress or act this way, but hey, what’s the point? By episode three, I was screaming, “Yeah girl, you know that was me all the way…” At any rate my musketeers (future exes) all agreed to take a new number on the reschedule appointment book – lucky me – and I should be hittin’ the town (and maybe even one of these gentlemen- LOL) by the weekend. Pray on the stomach folks… pray on the stomach!
Shall We Dance?
I’m not exactly Mario Lopez or anything, but I think I can shake-it-up a bit when I need to. Our friend Carmen – resident Latina-in-the-know and colleague has managed to schedule two hour salsa classes, every Monday beginning February 5th for 10 of us at the Champion Dance Studios here in New York City. The bargain basement prices are thanks to Carmen’s hook-up and previous step-ins with the instructor. I’m excited. Does anyone know where I can find a pair of high-waist, black lycra pants?
On Blast
Last night a close girlfriend asked whether I thought it would freak her man out if she attempted to toss his salad. Admittedly, I was intrigued as to why the issue came up and she said another girlfriend had mentioned that this was working well with her boyfriend. Is there some type of new intimate expression you’d like to partake in with your partner, but are afraid your partner may either 1) see you differently or 2) be offended that you even went there?
Keep passin’ the open windows…
Time For A Beat Down
For years the debate on whether spanking children is a good idea or not has been tossed around. Most would agree that blatant child abuse needs to be stopped, but is spanking as a form of punishment, actually abuse? Assemblywoman Sally Lieber of California believes it is and she is working toward having a law passed that would make spanking any child under three years of age a misdemeanor in California, punishable by one year in jail and/or a $1,000 fine. Other legislators are asking where the line should be drawn on the involvement of government in the private affairs of families, while some are praising this new initiative as necessary, saying that adults are protected from being hit by other adults and it makes sense that children should be protected by similar laws. Some child psychologists argue that children under 18 months do not understand why they’re being spanked. One person said the proposed legislation is similar to requiring parents to read to their children 30 minutes per day.
Ladies, Sometimes You Make It So Easy
Have you ever heard a man say, “She was thinking with her fallopian tubes”? No, you probably haven’t and yet I consistently hear statements like, “He was thinking with his penis,” or “She was throwing herself at him, so what could he do?” For the record, a woman’s fallopian tubes have about as much control over her behavior as a man’s penis has in controlling his. It appears that history and conditioning have led women to believe that men cannot control their behavior when faced with an easy lay. By taking this approach, women have given men the easiest way out. Women appear to place the bulk of the blame on the other woman, rather than hold the man they are in a relationship with, accountable for his actions. This line of thinking also helps in the forgiveness process, since many women continue relationships with unfaithful men because – you got it – “A man is a man…” For the record, a man is a man, is as reasonable an explanation for cheating as a woman is a woman. It’s ridiculous. A man that has respect for himself, his partner and his relationship does not engage a woman simply because she offers easy booty – PERIOD. So ladies, if you’re going to accept your cheating man in your life, at least have enough respect and dignity for yourself and call it what it is… your choice to allow your man to disrespect you. To mention any gender related reasons for why you accept your man’s infidelities makes you look like a moron.
Two Months and Counting; Baby It’s Cold Outside
I have three dates lined-up for this weekend, but I am still enjoying that self-imposed celibacy policy. It seems the longer I hold-out on having sex, the more competitive I feel with myself to extend the period longer. This weekend I’ve scheduled a movie with Mr. Goodbar, dinner with Professor Aaliyah and an up-in-the-air exchange with Councilman HD. Yes, oh-pretty-ones, we had to give each of the potential exes a name in the event that I need to update you on what happens with these wonderful guys. For the record, each of them is so distinctly different, that there’s no way to really compare the three. Please keep your fingers crossed and I’ll keep my legs crossed as I explore gay-dating without sex. Ewww…
On Blast
Women: Have you ever given your man a permission slip for his cheating by placing the blame on the woman he cheats with? Do you still hold the belief that men-can’t-help-themselves today?
Gay Men: Have you ever fallen victim to the straight mentality that as men we can’t help but be infidels?
Str8 Men: Do you find yourself allowing your girlfriend/wife to continue with the penis-as-ruler theory to protect you in the event of a misstep?
Keep passin’ the open windows….
Waiting to Inhale
Last night I went on another storybook date. We had dinner at a cozy neighborhood restaurant where we laughed, flirted and even engaged our waitress in the back-and-forth coy-play. When we returned to his place to watch a movie, I noticed the meticulous way he maintains his crib – the boy either has OCD or a live-in housekeeper. When I looked over to his dresser – oh yeah, I forgot to mention the DVD was in the bedroom – the fragrance bottles were organized in what appeared to be size, color and alphabetical order. I swear the only thing missing was the "Dream of a Witches' Sabbath" (5th Movement of "Symphonie Fantastique") by Hector Berlioz from the Sleeping With the Enemy soundtrack. The strange thing is that I loved it! He proudly picked-up on my admiration, of his somewhat obsessive cleaning habits, and we both laughed out loud. We watched the movie as we lay across his bed, pausing the film to periodically make light conversation. When the movie ended we sat in the dark and talked. It felt completely normal and comfortable. I could see his silhouette as the light bounced off him from the street lights outside his bedroom window. It all just felt really warm and fuzzy. As the evening was winding to a close we joked about the gym and suddenly he jumped up, dropped his pants and said, “I’m not as thin as I appear…. “ Uh, for the record, he ain’t! I was pleasantly surprised. Muscular thighs, a “Pert” booty…you know, bouncing and behavin’…. and a dark chocolate complexion that I’ve only seen before on a Mr. Goodbar. So, rather than taking the cue and disrobing as well, I said, “Boy, you sure are built right. …and to think you don’t work out. Go figure.” Don’t get me wrong, normally I would drop this boy and find myself up to my ears in chocolate, but let’s keep it real, I’m on a new kick here. So, after he put those trousers back on and I caught my breath, he walked me to my car. We really did have a great time and we promised we’d have to get together REALLY soon. I don’t think I can withstand another “flash” without having him in what figure skaters would call, a Biellmann spin position.
The Good, the Bad, the Ugly
American Idol season 6 premiere’s tonight on Fox with a 2-hour show highlighting those can’t-look-away audition disasters that precede the actual show. Each year many of us vow never to take a look at this immature joust for the spotlight – inevitably most of us do. I’m not even going to lie…I’m so there! Proof-positive that winning the national phenomenon showcase isn’t everything, Jennifer Hudson took home the Golden Globe Award for Best Support Actress last night.
Make that 25 in 5
This morning I had my allergist appointment, followed by my semi-physical. I braced myself for my weigh-in, since I knew I’d been eating like I have a feeding bag strapped on. Although I’m still fervently hitting the gym 5-6 days per week, I knew my increased caloric consumption would wreak havoc on my plans to be 140 lbs by summer 2007. The poor attendant manning the scale watched in disbelief as I stripped down to my 2xist drawers in front of waiting patients, before I lumbered onto the scale. When the final beep was heard from the scale I was brought back to reality by the attendant asking me to please stop banging the scale and step off and get dressed or security would be called. So what was the verdict, you ask? The red numbers continued flashing long after I was pried away from the apparatus by hospital staff – 165 lbs. So I’m dropping 25 lbs. in 5 months. Brace yourselves!
On Blast
Dream girl? Beyonce, Beyonce, Beyonce… I realize there’s an undercurrent of ill-will for the triple-threat stunner Beyonce Knowles. For those of you who don’t care to Ring The Alarm at the thought of her highness Ms. Knowles or feel that she is not exactly Irreplaceable, you may have felt validated when Jennifer Hudson walked away with her Golden Globe, while Knowles failed to snatch hers for Best Actress. After watching Dreamgirls and knowing the storyline, would you say that the lyrics of And I Am Telling You or Listen best summarize the movie’s plot? Why?
Keep passin’ the open windows…
Yada, Yada, Yada…Ladies Take Heed
New York City trains and buses are ticking time-bombs during rush hour, when many of us are irritated, crowded like sardines and frustrated as we creep along at a snails pace, but the straw that can break this camel’s back is loud and continuous meaningless conversation. It appears that there are folks that should enlist their motor-mouths in the army – they can talk more before 9 a.m. than most people do all day! As I rode the train this morning (with one ear phone out of commission on my IPod) I was horrified to hear the bantering of a woman who spoke of everything from her baby’s daddy alleged seek-and-destroy tactics with her, to the even more irrelevant way she handles the other secretaries in her office. Noticing that I was glaring at her with disgust and disapproval she yammered on like a 4-year old with Tourettes on Ritalin, leaving me to simply roll my eyes and bear it. All to say, ages ago we discussed why some women are single and what they can do to make a good man notice them. Here’s a tid-bit for your log books – Stop talking so f*cking much! If you’re not sure if you run your mouth much follow these clues:
If the person you’re speaking to has been nodding in your direction and looking over at the folks surrounding you with a slightly embarrassed look – you’re talking too much.
If the person you’re talking to interrupts you to say they have to get back to work, their life or to gouge out their own eyeballs – you’re talking too much.
If people run-in to you and begin jogging away saying that their running late for a meeting (and it’s 7:30 at night) – you’re talking too much.
Get a dog, cat, bird, fish or Elmo-slap-you-to-the-floor doll and talk to them. They are less likely to become irritated with your ranting.
Celibacy Abounds…God Help the Innocent Victims
Since November I’ve been on a celibacy kick of sorts. The matter of celibacy has been discussed widely on other blogs, before I noticed that I had pretty much been holding out as well. To clarify, when I speak of celibacy, I’m specifically speaking of intimacy with others…not to be confused with self-satisfaction. There would certainly be dead bodies strewn throughout my path if I held back on that little pleasure. It’s important to mention that I don’t have any moral incentives surrounding my recent foray into this sexual Sahara and that chances are I’ll be setting my goodies free for the Martin Luther King, Jr. weekend. Free at last, free at last...
Clent, John & Mom – B-Day!
J’Moo aka Clent turned 21 for the 23rd time the 3rd of this month. The jovial dark-chocolate prince of darkness has been in a stable relationship with his cream-puff for over a year. The two recently purchased a home in the Catskills and are in the process of buying a high-end sport-ute to boot. Big smiles to the Tooda! My ex-partner and delusional stalker John B. turned the big 4-4 on the 8th…guess you can say it’s a fitting age, since he appears to want to endure everything twice. The woman I admire most– my life, my heart, me in my looking glass into the future, celebrates another birthday on MLK day! The Matriarch of the Cocoa clan is still going strong and proving it pays to be in control! I love you mommy!!
On Blast
No Disrespect…it’s probably just my lack of intimacy that has me contemplating dumb stuff like this, but…
If you had a choice of having sex with one of our iconic civil rights leaders, who would you sleep with: Martin Luther King or Malcolm X
Why?
Keep passin’ the open windows….
I Love New York; Noah’s Arc Season 3?
Last night VH1’s I Love New York, a spin-off of the train wreck that is Flava of Love, debuted. New York, the brashest, most ghetto reality TV contestant to grace Flava’s glorified project, was treated to two seasons of Flava and her disconnect from her own reality earned her a show of her own. Why? That is a question I repeatedly asked myself as I marveled at how I spent more time giving commentary to friends on the phone than watching the show. First, the star of the show, Tiffany Patterson aka New York, is the premiere ghetto princess. She is the projects meets Lottery winner squared. To heighten your low-life quotient, producers chose to add Sister Patterson, New York’s mom, to add a second opinion to the already brain numbing foolishness. As if having two glorified project hoochies doesn’t do enough to grate your nerves until sparks fly out of your knuckles, the requisite flaming court jester had to be added – enter Chamo, New York’s personal assistant. Chamo (real name Mauricio Sanchez) gives every gay man in America cause to pause. His dress, demeanor and laughability factor made me add half-half to my coffee this morning instead of no-fat soy milk. Please let my heart stop beating so fast LAWD!!! Deep breath… Now to the real deal of the show… long story short, 90% of the men cast to be on this reality fiasco are gay. Forget what you heard or how Sister Patterson picked out one or two of these pranksters out herself… take it from a gay man… 90% of these men are gay. The remaining 10% of the men are disgusting, boring or such a bad fit to be with this future baby-momma-drama queen that it doesn’t even make sense to televise this – well, unless you’re going to use the video as evidence at child-support hearings to show the men were intoxicated and coerced to bed this witch. So, I was disgusted… all the way to the last second of the 60-minute disaster. What struck me as funny was that it would have been a better show if we replaced New York with Noah (Darryl Stephens) and just made the show into Noah’s Arc, season 3. Go figure…
On Blast
Ladies: If a man is FINE (PHINE!!) and is willing to spend his life with you – giving of himself emotionally and physically – do you care if he is/was gay?
Gay Men: If a man is obviously gay, but refuses to accept this and lives his life closeted, can you carry on a relationship with him – even if it means that you will remain in the shadows?
Str8 Men: If you get wind that your boi (your male friend) who you thought was a player is really a closet homosexual, would you confront him and discuss it or ignore the whole issue and act as though you haven’t a clue?
Keep passin’ the open windows…
It's One Of Those Weeks...I have one thing to say...
On Blast
What is your most memorable movie line?
Keep passin' the open windows...
Time Will Reveal
Time Flies
This year I celebrate my 20 year high school reunion. I’m shocked – slightly appalled – and numb at the fact that that much time has passed since I walked down the aisle with my fellow classmates. We had so many dreams then and had no idea at what life would hold. Seven years ago we ushered in the millennium, almost four years ago I returned to New York City and close to two years ago my beautiful nephew was born. Time flies. In just three short years I’ll be 40. All to say, before we know it we’ll be looking back on our lives and wondering what we’ve done with it. I can honestly say that I’ve been blessed. A wonderful family, incredible friends and jobs that I really didn’t (don’t) deserve. I have no complaints. The Lord was good enough to give me sufficient good looks to get by, an intellect that I swear comes and goes and an overall healthy existence. So, it’s that time… time to work on resolution #1…taking risks. Keep me in your prayers as I explore what direction my life will take in the next few months. There are already a few things on the burner and I’ve taken that step out onto the ledge of life…I’ll keep you posted.
Sex… Who’s Having It?
Okay, so I’m not a virgin – mom, if you’re reading this, I am, but I can’t have my friends make fun of me. Of late, I’m feeling more and more compelled to hold on to the goodies. Yes, I’m single and don’t have any commitments to anyone – so I can always do the nondescript guy thing and have some hot one-nighters, but instead, I’m hanging out, having a great time and then bringing it home – alone. I’m even dating a great guy who is beautiful, smart – slightly gay (LOL), but we’re spinning our wheels. It’s like we’re junior high school kids, home before our parents get home. We have romantic dinners, watch movies, even strip down and neck until my lips are numb, but then I then dress, say my goodnight and go home. So, what’s this new disconnect? I’m physically willing, but mentally not connecting with anyone where I feel drawn to third base. Well, I have a date with a new gentleman this week. He’s different… dark, handsome and with that nerdy edge that sends me into naughty mode. With any luck, this brotha can get it.
Happy Belated Birthday V
Twelve years ago I began working for the ABA in Washington, DC. While there, I met this wonderful young woman and we became fast friends. We were tight and although our lives took different directions, she still holds a special place in my heart. A few days ago, Nesie celebrated a birthday. She now has a husband and family and is expecting a new baby this year. Happy birthday Cola… do your thing.
On Blast
What is the most romantic date you’ve ever been on? What made it extra special?
Keep passin’ the open windows…
