Bacon & Oreos; Fat Chance

Tomorrow is March 1st. This year, daylight savings time comes early – next Sunday, March 8th to be exact – which means that although it feels cold as an ice cube in a corpse’s ass, we’re fast approaching summer ’09. Admittedly, I’m heavier than I’ve been in 10 years, but I swear, for the first time in my life, I’m not as concerned about it. However, this doesn’t mean that I’m going into the summer marking the start of my 40s as a fat ass. This morning, I set-out on my morning run with Bruce when I realized my knees were hurting and I was breathing harder than Annabella Sciorra in Hand That Rocks the Cradle. I settled-in for a more comfortable power-walk before returning home and starting breakfast. Three Eggs, a complete pack of brown-sugar Oscar Meyer bacon and an entire sleeve of Oreo cookies and milk later and I'm asking myself, “What are you doing?! So I’ve officially quit smoking – 1 ½ months clean – and taken up the ‘you’re-married-so-fuck-them diet. I’m tipping the scales at an uncomfortable 168 lbs. – an entire 20 lbs. heavier than I was at the end of summer ’08. Is it me or do pants suddenly become high-water when you gain weight? I don’t know, but my entire wardrobe is now tight – pants, shirts, shoot – even the shoes make my feet look like baked bread! March is the beginning of the slim down. I have three months to drop the weight, tighten that ass – well the cheeks (couldn’t resist the gay joke) – and ready myself for summer ’09. I’d like to take a moment to say thank-you to my man, my colleagues and my close friends for looking the other way and not staring at the train wreck.

On Blast
Do you make any changes to your diet or exercise plans in preparation for summer?

Keep passin’ the open windows…

Dear Fair Maiden; Least Favorite Female Things

When I get physically worn and the fuse gets short, it’s the little things that have the potential to land me in jail facing assault-and-battery charges along with reprising my title of angry-Boricua. This post is dedicated to the lady-folk. Once I start giving details, you may find yourself identified in this post. If the items ring true, do something about it. The life you save – and the face you save, for that matter – may be your own:
1. Pretty Girl-Ugly ‘Tude: Your mommy, daddy and every horny man in your neighborhood may have told you that you are PHAT (pretty hot and tempting), but seriously, you’re nothing but another lady capable of getting shaken – HARD – for thinking your looks give you a free pass to ignore good manners and decorum. You – like your ugly-bitch brethren – must use the words: please, excuse me, may I, etc. You are especially in danger of getting stomped by fellow ladies and gay men who could care less how pretty you believe you look today. To be safe, save the rude, spoiled-girl antics until you are clear you’re dealing with a testosterone-drunk straight man that is probably deaf and dumb to your ignorant ass and simply is looking at you as a woman with her knees as ear muffs.
2. Helen Keller Hair/Nail Syndrome: Everyone has to find their sense of style and what works for them. Long hair may have been in last year, but this year, your added weight is making you look like a shuffling Cousin It. Take a moment to: a) Keep your hair CLEAN, neat and appropriate. Notice that the word CLEAN is capitalized. I’m tired of seeing Latina women leaning back near my face on the train, with the greasiest hair since Travolta met Olivia Newton John. Black women, you’re not exempt either – locks are out, dead, done! You must – MUST – wash (or get your hair washed) at least once every two weeks. Heads sweat and whether you have become immune to the odor or not – WE SMELL IT! …so you want to go natural? Then chop that wool down and wear it short and neat, but be sure that you have a pretty face – otherwise you’re destined to look like Tracy Jordan from 30 Rock. Dirty, chewed and uneven (not filed) nails are unacceptable in women (gay or straight).
3. Girdlewear Couture: You haven’t been thin in years – and no one is asking you to be – but stop thinking that wearing leggings, tights and tourniquet-fitted jeans are giving you the slim effect. The squeezing items are actually giving you the tied-sausage look – one every BIG girl should avoid. Wear clothing that is appropriately fitted and offers adequate coverage. Highlight only areas that truly compliment your figure – nice breast, pretty legs, etc. Your midsection – if you have several waistlines – should NEVER be exposed.
4. Endangered Hags: Savvy women have long recognized that gay men make the BEST friend a girl can have. Assuming you have the right ‘gay’ you will enjoy a man’s prospective, a FIERCE sense of style and the truest, realest opinion available. You also get a package you enjoy looking at and feel an odd attraction to. If you don’t think you’re ‘gay’ is attractive, drop’em. You should only be a hag to a gay that makes your back-up baby daddy list. If he wouldn’t go on that list, he should be on the BFF list either. …but seriously, hags are becoming an endangered species. ‘Gays’ are finding that it’s easier to have ‘like-minded/like-interest’ individuals in their tight-knit circle. This means that a respectful, handsome, fun and funny gay is the new fag-hag. Ladies, don’t allow yourself to go out with the Wooly Mammoth, be relevant, don’t be high-maintenance and demanding with your ‘gay’ and definitely don’t insist on dragging your ‘gay’ to stuffy straight events for your benefit.
5. Kill-the-Damsel: Women like those characters portrayed by ball-bustin’ Angelina Jolie – Mrs. Smith, Lara Croft, Fox – are what’s in and happening. Men – even gay men – love a girly-girl that knows how to handle her business. Don’t be a needy hookah that needs picture frames mounted or jackets thrown over puddles for her passing. Keep it together, be beautiful, be strong, but don’t cross the line to #1 of this list. Make men – including gay men – want to be around you, not feel that they need to be around you to insure your safety.

So there you have it; my five (5) mouthfuls to vent and help diffuse the felon that, just this morning, was ready to grab a handful of weave and bury a wench suffering from #1 & #3 into the buffet bagel and lox concoction.

On Blast
Be honest…what pet peeve do you wish you could make your girlfriends aware of without hurting their feelings?

Keep passin’ the open windows…

…But I’m Scared Of

The general consensus is that Cocoa fears nothing – not lions, not tigers…shoot, not even bears. The truth is that love and letting go scares me. After three years of having BD in my life, he still stirs the butterflies in my stomach and yet, we’ve maintained separate residences. Strange huh? I mean, we work together, play together and spend most of our waking moments together, but in the end, we’ve kept separate cribs. What is that about? The place we’ve been eyeing appears to have come through and come August, the shared nest may very well be our reality. I have to say that I’m scared. I’m not frightened of sharing my home with my man, but of the unknown. Will he still feel the same when he has me around 24/7. Yeah…it’s silly. …but I’m scared of…

On Blast
Is sharing a crib the inevitable for loving partners?

Keep passin’ the open windows…

PETA Asking For the Unethical Treatment of Morons?

PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) holds protests at the Westminster Dog Show held every year at NYC’s Madison Square Garden. They contend that breeding purebred dogs stands to weaken the canine’s bloodlines and promote disease. This year’s protest stepped across all acceptable lines of attention grabbing when to highlight the purebred argument, PETA had its members dress in KKK costumes to showcase the similarity between breeding purebred dogs and the White supremacist and pureblood beliefs of the Ku Klux Klan. Remarkably, their members were not beaten to a pulp in a city that leans heavily to the left AND enjoys a very broad diversity.

On Blast
Has a group that supports a cause you believe in done something so heinous that you are forced to withdraw your support for the cause?

Keep passin’ the open windows…

Introducing Bruce!

Bruce joined the Cocoa clan with much fanfare. At 12 weeks, the 25 pound Weimaraner (pronounced Why-mah-ron-er) is a real beaut! He’s everything you can want in a new pup. He’s got a wonderful disposition, a playful freedom and the need to please. As anyone who has had a pup knows, the first few weeks are the hardest, since you spend the bulk of your waking moments teaching the dog to be housebroken – well, at least I know it’s MY biggest priority. Knock on wood... my baby is a fast learner and has not had even ONE poop accident indoors. Praise God! Busta is doing everything to adjust to his new little brother, but Bruce continually chooses Busta’s favorite toy – Winnie the Pooh. The fights have been loud yet controlled. Ultimately, I can see my boys will have a healthy resentment hinging on their desire to have my complete love and attention…nothing like feuding siblings to warm their dad’s heart...kidding! BD and the Minnie spent the weekend attempting to adjust to the new teething member of our family and did a great job. There will be more pics to follow, but these were taken in the clear foyer of my apartment…my attempt to create a small playpen area for my boys to get acquainted without changing my home’s décor. Sunday night, BD and I took a small break from the kids to have dinner with his great friend Maria. Needless to say, the very short nights have taken a huge toll on my appearance and my mood. I’m still ecstatic to have my baby on board.

On Blast
What do you do to try to catch-up on rest when you can only dedicate less than 5 hours to sleep per night?

Keep passin’ the open windows…

I’m Due Early

Today is the BIG day. My contractions started early this morning and once I had my break-of-dawn cup of coffee, the animated call from the courier announced the arrival of our 3rd baby boy, Bruce. After my routine pre-work sit-down (which took care of the contractions) I was soothed by a relaxing hot bath before dashing-out to tackle the final hours before our infant arrives. At 12 weeks old Bruce is bound to be a handful. I vaguely recollect the days of Busta’s puppy hood; the frequent bathroom trips, chewing of furniture and whiny sleepless nights – and that was just MY adjustment to my Bus-Bus. Last night BD and I made an hour-or-so of uninterrupted butt-naked-sweaty-monkey-love when we got in from the office; taking advantage of our final uninterrupted heat before Bruce’s arrival. Afterward, we perused through the aisles of Petco for last-minute toys, puppy food and a crate that can hold a small Clydesdale, in prep for the big day. Although he was scheduled to arrive on Wednesday night, I’m happy to say that I’m prepared for his arrival this evening. BD has been so supportive and I look forward to watching the interaction between Bruce and his dad and siblings. I’ll update everyone with pics following the momentous introduction. Welcome baby boy!

On Blast
Keeping the flame alive in long term relationships can be challenging when you’re battling a busy schedule and competing priorities. BD consistently keeps me feeling physically attracted AND attractive. I’m both turned-on by his physicality and his spirituality. What is your recipe for keeping the embers ablaze in your relationship? (If single, speak hypothetically)

Keep passin’ the open windows…

Super Bowl Sunday Fun

Thank you Cas for a great Super Bowl Sunday. Celebrating with friends is always fun. It's late, so I'll have the pictures tell the story, but know that we had a ball!