...And Then There Was One

…And Then There Was One
Seven weeks after my relationship with BD spiraled out of control with three separate entities struggling to be heard and understood, we’ve emerged as ONE. Yeah, I can go into all the details of what transpired – and Lord knows, you’ve been privy to lots of it – but what it really boils down to is that BD, the Minnie and I are now operating as ONE unit. Contrary to popular belief, we have instituted the belief that if he and I are committed, devoted and respecting of each other, we are the most giving and present parents to the Minnie at all times. Yes, we read the comments that demanded that I step aside and allow BD to raise his kid; we even understood where the fear of parents who put new partners first and leave their children to suffer a damaging second place, stems from. All relationships operate under their own rules and incorporate what works for them. For us, the answer was clear – the Minnie fairs better with the love, devotion, support and PRIORITY from both of us working in tandem. It is a system we’ve seen work in both - my parent’s long standing 45-year marriage and BD’s grandparent’s life-long partnership. As BD and the Minnie joined me for my nephew’s birthday party this weekend, we were a family - one unit. As the kids played together, BD or I would periodically check on them and when the Minnie was roughed-up by one of my nephews during play, I was able to pull him aside and reassure him that no matter what, ‘Cocoa is always here for you, so you can come to me if someone bothers you.” To be honest, one issue that will always be at the forefront of my worries – is never having the Minnie suffer a slight because some fool – or their offspring – has an issue with non-traditional families. As BD got on his knees and again presented me with that gorgeous diamond ring he intended to give me on my birthday, it meant so much more; it now shines more brightly and weighs heavier on my hand because it represents the love, honor, commitment and spirit of our ONE family.

On Blast
Drinking your coffee black because you’re afraid to ask for milk and sugar seems absurd. Yet, whether at the coffee shop or in your relationship, failing to ask for what you want, will literally – or figuratively – have you drinking bitter black coffee in silence.
Although there are compromises that need to be made in your life, there are times when you must stand up for yourself and what you believe in; most importantly, playing second-fiddle with your Stradivarius doesn’t make you a benevolent soul; it makes you a moron.
Can a couple compromising in silence to make a relationship work fair better than one tackling volatile issues head-on?

Keep passin’ the open windows…

If I Gave You Love

On Blast
Does everything that starts have an ending?

Keep passin' the open windows...

Fools Rush In

Fools Rush In
Deciding whether to remain friends with BD or to return to our committed relationship is one that weighs heavily on my mind. In the last six weeks, I’ve seen a change in BD that has renewed my belief in sharing my forever with this man, yet there is one last piece of the puzzle that would, I believe, put my greatest fears to rest. What is it, you ask? Well, unfortunately, since BD is now one of my blog readers, this isn’t an issue that I want to unfairly influence. It’s important to me that his decisions be made autonomously and more important, that his decision shows intuitiveness for what is important to US. Suffice to say that I’m prepared to hinge my final decision on how this issue is handled. The great thing that has come out of our weeks apart is a genuine appreciation for what we mean to each other and what’s really important. BD is such a beautiful, charming, intelligent and loving man that the very thought of having to make a decision not to spend the rest of my life with him seems unfathomable. So why place such a heavy burden on one decision you ask? It’s a decision that I see as a direct indicator of the respect he has for our relationship. I’ m not nit-picking, but let’s keep it real, only fools rush in. I dread the thought of going back on a decision, so if I’m going to reconsider my decision to be apart, it has to be because there is credible evidence of success for our relationship. Love is beautiful, love is kind, love sees all, expects all, forgives all – but I know love will not keep me happy if I have doubts about my man’s commitment to me and our relationship.

On Blast
You’ve heard it on this blog a million times – The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Do you agree that love is blind, but not making the most informed decision about who you build a life with would reduce love to blind, deaf, dumb and ignorant?

Keep passin’ the open windows…

Dr. Primetime

Dr. Primetime
Every so often throughout the year I’m forced to go to the doctor for my allergies. I’m allergic to everything – fruit, paper, bullshit – you name it. I don’t subscribe to clinics of any kind, so my allergist, regular doctor – even my dermatologist – are at the same hospital. Today, while visiting my allergist, I commented that I have had difficulty sleeping for months and that I could stand to be prescribed a sleep-aide or some antidepressant of some kind. For the record, I’m a former pharmacy technician and can probably prescribe my own medication, but I like to make my doctor feel empowered. That said, my doctor suggests I visit a friend of hers – a psychiatrist on staff – to discuss what may be the underlying reason for my insomnia and maybe provide greater insight on getting myself back on track. With the greatest of ease, the allergist dials the head doctor a few floors away and asks if she would squeeze me in for 30 minutes. Let me preface this little piece by saying that I have never visited a psychologist – much less a psychiatrist. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, but I just don’t think the alleged pros can provide me with any greater insight that I provide myself (I know, delusional) and really don’t like talking about the BIG issues with anyone who isn’t really invested in the nuances of my life. So I stroll in to see Dr. Primetime who quickly ushers me back to his comfy office. Once there I sit on his sofa and he sits in a chair adjacent to me and smiles before announcing, “I’m going to ask you a few questions to get acquainted, please answer as honestly as possible.” I shrug and say, “Sure,” thinking that at this point I’ll settle for a hammer and a fifth of Scotch to get my rest. Midway into the questions, I find myself becoming more and more animated, my hands joining my colorful stories – the picture of a Puerto Rican mime explaining the theory of relativity. Doctor P had stopped writing anything on his trusted pad 15 minutes earlier and yet he seemed completely engrossed in my story. At one point I answered a quick telephone call before returning to my elaborate storyline and Dr. P never even shifted in his seat. More than 45 minutes later, I realize that he hadn’t asked me a thing in quite some time and yet I was still yammering away about my sitcom of a life. Realizing this man wasn’t following the time limits I’ve so often seen on televised psych sessions, I stopped and asked, “Hey doc, how long is this little introductory session suppose to go?” He laughed heartily and said, “Have you ever considered writing a book?” My face must have said it all because he quickly caught himself before saying, “You have quite the interesting life,” his pen now writing furiously, “I’d love to see you regularly if you’d like.” My head felt light, but I stood up and announced, “I actually would prefer you gave me a sleep aide and maybe I’ll just forward you a copy of my book when I write one doc.” He smiled nervously and apologized profusely for his choice of words before settling on a simple, “Please consider coming in again.” I thanked Dr. P and reluctantly went to the drug store to get my knock-out pills. Seems like even the professionals think my life is some sort of entertainment.

On Blast
Do you believe repressed feelings surrounding life experiences have an effect on your daily interaction with others?

Keep passin’ the open windows…

Is All Fair In Love?

On Blast
When all is said and done, is all in love fair?

Keep passin’ the open windows…

A Culture of Cowardice

A Culture of Cowardice; Gays, Take Your Rightful Place In Society
The gays have been nurtured to be passive participants in their own lives and live diluted in the notion that somehow by being colorful, witty, funny and congenial we smooth-over the truth of accepting second-best, almost-good-enough rights and realities our entire lives. While reading comments from my well-meaning blogger family about how I should accept that BD should make the Minnie his utmost priority – forsaking me in the process – I went from questioning my value system to feeling disappointed at being asked to be a defeatist. I asked myself, if I were female and BD and I were the biological parents of the Minnie, would folks advise that I demand to be given my time and respect and together nurture the Minnie in a sound household? Wouldn’t most people point to a spouses’ neglect as the very reason for the failure of their relationship? Let’s keep it real. Gays are taught to take second-best in the hopes of keeping the peace and finding acceptance in society, but history teaches us that cowards have never reached true equality and fulfillment. Women may have been pleased as punch to be allowed to take their position in the workplace, but today, most women will tell you that being compensated at 80 cents for every dollar of their male counterparts is unacceptable. Equal compensation eventually took center stage over being accepted into the same positions as their male colleagues. Blacks and Latinos may have been content to work the mailroom of the corporate sector, but they also realized that they are as qualified, savvy and worthy as the White man and have now taken their place in corporate boardrooms around the nation. The issue of marriage was a HOT button issue for quite some time and the heterosexual majority somehow came up with the brilliant idea that civil unions were separate, but equal, and should be good enough for gays to feel validated. Thankfully, there are some who will not sit down and be relegated to a “similar” right. They demand to be given equal rights that do not deviate in form or function. Well friends, gay relationships are no different than straight relationships. We are entitled to proudly bring our partners to every function our straight counterparts enjoy as a couple. We have the right to be MARRIED – not “civil unionized”. We have the right to be treated as equal spouses within our households – requiring all the attention, love, respect and priority as married couples enjoy. We are worthy enough to live our lives as openly as every other red-blooded American without regard to who we choose to love and what we do in our bedrooms. I refuse to sell myself short simply because I can’t impregnate my male partner. I will not find myself second or third on the list of my spouses’ priorities because asking to be first somehow appears to make me selfish or incomplete. Until gays recognize that we can do - and should do - everything straight individuals do, we accept that we are somehow not good enough. Stand up for yourself, take your rightful place in society and let folks adjust to your truth. You see, every time you accept a separate (albeit equal) set of rules than mainstream society, you engender a culture of cowardice; a culture we pass on to generations of gays to come.

On Blast
Gay, Black, Female, etc.; Remember one occasion when you knew you were accepting disparate treatment just to get along.

Keep passin’ the open windows…

Mas Sabe El Diablo Por Viejo, Que Por Diablo

Mas Sabe El Diablo Por Viejo, Que Por Diablo
In the vein of Spanish sayings of yesteryear applying to my life today, “Mas sabe el diablo por viejo, que por Diablo,” holds a special place in my heart. It simply means that the devil knows more because he’s old, than because he’s the devil. Typically, this saying is meant to say that our age and maturity should have us make better decisions – even in light of our education and position in life. Recently, BD and I caught up on the many changes going on in his life. He has come out to his family – including the Minnie and has even had a conversation with his ex-wife regarding who he is and how they can work to insure the Minnie has a positive outlook regarding his parents. BD has made some monumental advances in his personal life; positive changes that will benefit him as he lives in his truth and draws strength from living honestly. As we conversed about how far he’s come in such a short period of time, I couldn’t help but wonder why some folks wait until it appears too late or after they suffer some insurmountable loss before they actually forge forward with changes to improve their lives. After offering over a year of encouragement and advice, BD had seemingly handled it all – and handled it well – in just over a month following our break-up. BD and I are in the same age group, so being intuitive to those around him is not a new skill set. I almost feel that he is polished, together, intuitive and astute in all matters unless they relate – or related – to us. Which begs the question, did BD not take me seriously when I shared how important it was for us to act as a team – us against the world – to succeed in our relationship? Did he believe that I would simply sit around and be slighted by his family, his friends – damn, even his ex-wife – because he couldn’t live in his truth? Most important, if we reconciled, would it mean that each time that we encountered a serious issue in our relationship it would take a debilitating break-up to have him take positive steps forward to strengthening who we are and how we’re perceived by others? While many folks believe that the Minnie should be the most important person in BD’s life, I feel differently. You see, I believe that the partnership has to be the priority and that bond will show itself in our love and care of the Minnie and our interaction with the outside world. If we are united and strong, we can collectively overcome anything. Otherwise, BD should consider that the Minnie be his priority and wait until the Minnie is an adult to resume his social life. At present, I don’t know what the future holds. A part of me wants nothing more than to embrace BD and rejoice in his accomplishments. He has shown that he finally gets it. The other part of me says that a reconciliation will only send the message that my word means nothing and that to effectively communicate our partnership must be in a volatile state. I also don’t know that I have trust in BD’s ability to be sensitive and act intuitively with regard to my feelings – characteristics that are non-negotiable if he is to be my partner. As a mature man, I have to be true to myself. My feelings matter. I also must live in MY truth. This far along in my life I can say, “Mas sabe el diablo por viejo, que por diablo.”

On Blast
Is it more important to you to win at all costs or to lose sometimes, while maintaining your dignity?

Keep passin’ the open windows….

Pale In the Face Of Palin

Obama Critics Step Forward
Those who criticized Democratic Presidential nominee Barak Obama’s inexperience should be choking on their venison steaks when they take a look at Sarah Palin’s record and her lackluster background. First, she’s governor of Alaska for two years - a state that has a smaller population than my hometown of the Bronx (683,478 to 1,332,650 respectively). Palin is a lifetime National Rifle Association (NRA) member and a staunch supporter of banning gay marriage and the right of health benefits for domestic partners. If you’re still scratching your crotch thinking you could care less about those issues, then maybe you should also know that Palin opposes abortion – even when the pregnant female is the victim of rape. She also subscribes to abstinence-only education in schools, yet is presently grappling with her pregnant teen daughter. I guess you can say that there's some disagreement on her stand on the issues at home. When most mothers of a baby with down syndrome would consider spending more time with their little one, should she win, Palin would be forced to leave his care to nannies and the like, while she tends to the nation’s issues. Hey, this is 2008 and I don’t believe that any woman should have to choose between her career and her family, but it seems that there are plenty of issues in the Palin household already. If you’re wondering what may have prepared Palin for the office of the President of the U.S. look no further than to her other state’s politicians – NOT ONE Alaskan politico has been named to any major Presidential ticket in history – EVER! She’s not only breaking new ground as first-woman on a Republican Presidential ticket, but also the first Alaskan. She does have a lighter side though, she admits to experimenting with marijuana during a period of time when Alaska decriminalized the possession of the drug. She later said that she didn’t really like it – uh, yeah, I didn’t either girl. I’m not quite sure, but I’m trying to sort out how her second place runner up title at the Miss Alaska Pageant and her win as Miss Congeniality in the same competition helped build that all-important political resume. She can even call sporting events with the boys club, thanks to her experience as a sports reporter in Anchorage. All to say, Palin’s resume lacks some political weight. So ask yourself, where are those pesky little Obama critics now?

On Blast
It’s good to pay close attention to both sides – the Democrats and the Republicans – to see where the candidates stand on the issues that matter. Also, it’s important to go with the candidate that has the preparation to act under fire. Pick one issue that matters to you and identify how the opposing team has actually benefited or championed your cause.

Keep passin' the open windows...

Keep passin’ the open windows…

Tapando El Sol Con La Mano

Tapando El Sol Con La Mano
Often in life I have to smile to myself how many of the sayings I heard throughout my childhood come back to mean so much in my adult life. Most recently, I’ve thought about the saying, “Tapando el sol con la mano.” Basically, it means to “Cover the sun with your hand.” In short, it’s meant to say that sometimes we act as though just because we’ve placed our hand between our line of vision and the sun, somehow, the sun has disappeared. Well, I have to be honest and say that I feel as though I’m doing this. Seeing BD go through pain following our break-up has me forgoing my own pain and better judgment. My main concern has turned from being the disappointed and dejected ex to the comforting friend; desperate to have my best friend feel better. Ultimately, I question whether he feels much better and consequently, whether I’m kicking myself in the ribs taking on such a feat. Break-ups are difficult and can seem devastating to the parties in the midst of them, but trying to actively take on the role of ex and counseling friend is somewhat of an oxymoron. I mean, how do you really counsel your best friend regarding yourself? How do you give words of encouragement that will help your friend, if the same words need to diminish you as the ex? As we attended my sister’s housewarming party yesterday and I found myself weaving BD and the Minnie into the fiber that is my family and close friends, I wondered if I was creating havoc and damaging my best friend further. BD’s outburst last week, where he feared our friendship would change once either of us meets someone new, is a real one. I suspect BD and the Minnie would not have been a part of yesterday’s festivities if I had a new partner or prospective partner. What does this say about our friendship? Am I not an enabler by allowing us to continue this commitment-less partnership to continue and slapping the label of “best friends” on it? Who is this charade benefiting? Don’t get me wrong, I know that BD and I love each other, but it is this very love that begs a separation to scab over and heal to allow us to be true friends. Right now we’re simply lying to each other if we don’t admit that our friendship is short term comfort to a long term pain. I’ll be the first to cop to the reality that not having BD there is scary, but I can’t have my cake and eat it too. Although I believe BD recognizes what led to my decision to end our relationship, I believe he hasn’t quite found a way to either remedy those issues OR (and I respect this) doesn’t feel he needs to make changes to these facets of his life. In the end, if we will be friends – real friends – it will take disconnecting from each other; making ourselves whole again; and coming together as individuals offering a friendship that isn’t tainted with ulterior motives. Anything short of this is simply, “Tapando el sol con la mano.”

On Blast
What pitfalls have you experienced in your quest to transition your ex into your friend?

Keep passin’ the open windows…

Evening Edition - 9/7/08

To Thine Own Self…
Even when break-ups happen under bad circumstances the parties normally have trouble disconnecting and making a clean amputation. BD and I didn’t break-up over, what many would consider, ‘dirty’ reasons. Ours is a simple case of finding we’re operating at different places in our development; my having issues with his ability to be intuitive to our needs and standing up for them; and the reality that a couple with children from previous relationships has to consistently communicate to insure a strong family unit that respects all parties. These aren’t issues I take lightly and throughout our courtship I attempted to steer BD – whether through advice or example – to make the choices that would give our relationship a fighting chance. Ultimately, you can lead a blind horse to pasture, but you can’t make that equine eat, right? Many surmised that because I could make such a definitive decision, that it meant I didn’t love BD or felt no pain ending our relationship. They couldn’t be further from the truth. It has been a debilitating time for me. I haven’t seen the gym in a month, have smoked more than a Minneapolis chimney in winter and can’t get passed the exhaustion I feel three hours after my day begins. So I took a step back and asked myself if I was doing the right thing. The answer is as clear as it was the day I made it, “yes.” You see, if you really love someone – and I do love BD – you do what’s right for the relationship. Remaining in a relationship that frustrates you and goes against your core beliefs is a mistake. BD is a great man – my very best friend really – but that all important facet of our relationship would have been eventually compromised had I negated how the relationship began to make me feel devalued. BD is in the midst of a lot of growth right now – learning who he is and hopefully, learning how to take control of his life. They say ‘never say never’ to any possibility. I am more of a realist and I have difficulty seeing any possibility of reconciliation. I do, however, see that I have lessons I can take from this relationship too; To never relinquish my power and most important to follow my old mantra of, ‘To thine own self be true.’ Last night after returning from hangin’ with my boyz, I sent BD a text and remarkably he was still up. Tipsy and speaking a sober mind we chatted for a quick minute before I offered that he call me. We spoke for a few minutes and he mentioned that he hasn’t slept well in over a month. I offered to have him come over and maybe enjoy a few hours of restful sleep that would comfort both of us. Needless to say he came over and having him cuddle-up next to me was right as rain. We awoke to a tenderness that soothed my soul – and yes, the body was weak as hell too. Later, as I fixed us some tasty scrambled egg sandwiches I mentioned to BD that this was not the norm and that it wouldn’t help our budding friendship to engage in any physical intimacy. We both agreed that we really needed this and that the beauty of being grown men is that there are no rules. We need to set healthy boundaries. I’m aware that to grow past our intimacy and share an honest friendship, we have to refrain from saying one thing and living another. Actions do speak louder than words. All said, it was great to hold him in my arms and feel his so familiar warmth in my chest. Love takes time to heal when you hurt so much…well, that’s what Mariah said.

On Blast
I don’t believe in using alcohol as an excuse to do or say anything that is in your heart to do anyway. Tell of an instance when you feel alcohol impacted the choices you’ve made.

Keep passin’ the open windows…

Afternoon Edition - 9/5/08

…A Round of Applause
Labor Day Weekend in Florida was superb. The weather cooperated for the most part and BD, the Minnie and I spent five wonderful days together; the best of friends; the slight tension and awkwardness that comes from suddenly not sharing intimacy lingering between us. BD was the perfect gentleman – sometimes even challenging my own perception of what he should have been doing. I was a bit surprised when he didn’t immediately use this time to make his point; to establish his case. By our final night in Florida I realized that BD was saying more by not speaking about the relationship, then if he spent every day and night dwelling on it. You see, there are times in our lives where we are meant to be still and silent and there are moments in your life when you have to stand and fight with everything you’ve got. Now, I don’t want to sound like I wanted BD to fight, argue and claw his way back into my heart - anyone who knows me knows that fighting me only serves to have me systematically destroy you – but I got a sense that he allows his fears to paralyze his call to action. As I settled-in to the work week I couldn’t help but think that the BD and Me love story may very well be winding down. After lunch a couple of days ago – Yes, my crazy behind still can have lunch with BD, vacation with him and know that I love him dearly – BD asked me if I believed there was a chance of us getting together again. The question hurt me because I know what the answer MUST be. “I would never create hope or have you wait for me, so I’ll say no. I don’t believe in using ‘never’ – especially in love – but I hate for folks to string people along, “ I said. “I’ll have to say no.” As the words left my mouth I knew I couldn’t take them back. I felt honest and knew that I could never be wrong when I live in my truth.

If you’re like me and like to reserve your judgment of situations until you can weigh both sides, you're in luck. BD has his very own blog. For BD’s point of view click here

On Blast
When can being honest with your partner bring about more heartache than healing?

Keep passin’ the open windows…

Morning Edition - 9/3/08

The Nothing
It’s an odd time in my life. The details are many and the retelling too uncomfortable to take-on. You see, I’m at a place right now where I feel ‘the nothing’ has taken over. It isn’t a matter of the loss of my relationship – details on my trip to Florida to come in the near future – or even my disappointment and the sense of despair that engulfs every aspect of who I am. To be clear, I’m not a victim or a complainer; I’m simply recognizing that I have to be honest and recognize that ‘the nothing’ has somehow drained my spirit. As is always the case, I will regain my footing and get it together, but sometimes folks believe that there are those of us that don’t suffer depression, anxiety or a sense of disappointment with our environment, or worse, with our reality.

On Blast
Having challenges is a fact of life and overcoming them serves to make us stronger. How would you describe ‘the nothing’?

Keep passin’ the open windows…

Morning Edition - 8/26/08

…and Back To Reality
Seven full days of fun and sun have me refreshed and feeling full – both physically and emotionally. Grand Cayman, Belize, Roatan (Honduras), Cozumel and Cancun (Mexico) were absolutely amazing. The splendor of the planet’s natural beauty in all its color and warmth were represented. Whether I was gazing upon the expanse of ocean around our cruise ship or taking-in the crystal-clear waters in Roatan, I was filled with an overwhelming sense of how small a speck we are in this world and yet each time I stared into the faces of the children in some of these third-world countries begging for a morsel of our undeserved riches, I felt ashamed at how much our privileged asses complain. This vacation was by far my best ever for so many reasons - not the least of which was the opportunity to appreciate my life TODAY. If I can leave each of you with a piece of advice, it would be to take some time to see the world outside of the U.S. and understand how truly blessed each of us are.

Oops, There Goes My Tooth…Oh My!
I chipped a molar and figured I’d wait to return from my cruise to get it fixed. Thanks to Cas I got an emergency appointment with her dentist. A few x-rays later and I was laying flat on my back with my anxiety-ridden fingernails boring holes into the sides of the dentist chair. Three Novacaine shots into the deal and the good doc was drilling in my mouth as he skillfully performed a root canal; patching it up until I return from my second vacation this Friday to Disney. I left his office with a grateful goodbye and the promise to see him after the Labor Day holiday. It was another two hours before I stared into my bathroom mirror in disbelief to realize that the good doc actually gave me a root canal on a molar at the back of my mouth, instead of the jagged molar that drove me to his office. I left a voice mail on his service explaining the ungodly mix-up and am waiting to hear what will be done to correct this freak show of a story. In all my years, I’ve yet to experience such a medical error. As I told Cas last night, “I feel like I went in to have my tonsils removed and got castrated!”

BD and Me
Following the untimely break-up of me and BD I suffered some serious depression. I wasn’t hungry, couldn’t sleep, but was sure I did the right thing by ending our relationship. More than anything, I miss my best friend. We were more than just lovers, we were the closest of confidants and not having him there to bounce anything off of was devastating. This Friday, BD, the Minnie and I set-out for our second Disney vacation. We’ve discussed the basics – including sleeping arrangements and my renting a separate car. Last night as BD and I talked about my recent cruise and our prep for Florida, there was a sigh of relief on both our parts that maybe – just maybe – our friendship may weather the storm and we can redirect our love into a connection that outweighs romantic entanglements.

On Blast
My tooth story is one that strikes panic. How can a mistake have such serious implication? Tell of a mistake you suffered that, to this day, makes you shiver in horror.

Keep passin’ the open windows….

Morning Edition - 8/17/08

Gone Cruising
I mean... I'm off to my 7-Day cruise. See y'all back on August 25th!

Keep passin' the open windows...

Morning Edition - 8/13/08

You Are 1: The Reformer

You're a responsible person - with a clear sense of right and wrong. High standards are important to you, and you do everything to meet them. You are your own worst critic, feeling ashamed if you're not perfect. You have uncompromising integrity, and people expect you to be fair. At Your Best: You are hopeful, honest, and inspiring. You bring out the best in humanity. At Your Worst: You are intolerant, judgmental, and picky. Your Fixation: Resentment Your Primary Fear: Being corrupt. Your Primary Desire: To be good. Other Number 1's: Al Gore, Martha Stewart, Gandhi, Celene Dion, and Spock from Star Trek.

What Number Are You?

Evening Edition - 8/9/08

What We See
I remember the very first time I laid eyes on BD. It was like my heart knew that this was the guy; the one I wanted to spend time with and share my life with. Today as I relaxed, I thought about what we see. Before moving back to NYC in 2003, a Maryland preacher left me with some words of wisdom – a catchy phrase really – that today, I apply to all areas of my life. She said, “If what you see is not what you saw, then what you see is temporary.” ‘Now what the fuck does that mean – exactly?!’ I pondered that line for years to come and reasoned its meaning to be so many different things. My boi Boot in Maryland remembers it clearly because he’s my man-of-the-cloth, if you will, and we’d always say the line and come up with explanations for what the sister meant that morning. Today I look back at that first time that I saw BD…what I saw…what I see today. Is what I saw temporary or is what I see temporary? I know now that to answer that question it is best to look at someone’s history. We all have loved ones who talk a good game and have many goals and promises with their lives – and conversely – ours. The easiest way to know what to believe is to look at what the person has proven time and again. If what you see is not what you saw, then what you see is temporary. Today it means, I may have seen a beautiful, intelligent, loving man who I wanted to spend my whole life with, but if his actions didn’t prove him capable of filling those shoes, then what I see is temporary. What we see is sometimes just what we want to see. What we feel is sometimes just want we want to feel. There’s nothing wrong with wanting more and feeling more, but there comes a time when our wishes must be met with rewards. The greatest reward being that we are living our best life with someone who fits the bill and walks-hand-in-hand in our vision.

On Blast
How has what you see affected who you’ve shared your life with?

Keep passin’ the open windows…

Afternoon Edition - 8/8/08

Post Relationship Bi-Polar Disorder
To say that my mood shifts like the wind is an understatement. At times like these I am cautious of where I go, what I do and who I interact with. I hate folks who take their issues out on others, so I’m careful not to tear someone a new asshole simply because my tolerance meter is set to negative one. One pacifier through my condrama (confusion & drama) has been my ability to turn to drugs. We’re not talking the kind that will get me 5-10 with Bubba on my back, but the kind that may have been prescribed for one pain or another. That’s right folks, I’m living on the edge with Percocet and Vicodin. Now don’t go worrying yourselves thinking I’m going to Heath Ledger on the stuff, I just take enough to alter my mood and allow me to eventually sleep. Creative people – and I’d like to think myself as one – tend to think too much and at times like these when you want to apply considerable pressure to someone’s trachea until their face turns a beautiful baby blue, it’s best to medicate. Last night after popping a few happy pills, I was on the phone with Cas who can, without the use of barbiturates, make me pee my pants, when she tells me her stories – see her blog at http://bxholdthecheese.blogspot.com/ - I laughed so hard for so long that my stomach hurt for the next hour. No sooner than we hung up than I felt a complete sense of despair; that is, until I hit my DVR and watched my taped Family Guy episodes – then I was crying with hysteria. Finally, after exhausting myself on the rollercoaster of emotions, I showered and fell out unconscious until I heard the nasal Jennifer Lopez crooning “Que Hicistes?” from my stereo. I’m so grateful for this weekend and the opportunity to rest and recuperate following such a ridiculously extenuating week. In my life, adversity and disappointment have been close next-door neighbors; my hope is to return from my upcoming cruise to find they’ve moved.

On Blast
Emotionally speaking, who would you say are your neighbors and what relationship do you have with them?

Keep passin’ the open windows…

Evening Edition - 8/7/08

Insult to Injury
At his request, I met BD for coffee this morning. When I answered his e-mail and asked if his conversation was urgent and necessitated us meeting during work hours he replied, “Yes.” As we sat at the outdoor benches and I faced BD he immediately started with, “What happened Tuesday?” I looked around confused by his question. I mean, last I remember the man was with me when all the events unfolded, so why was he now asking me what went down? Seeing my disgust, he blurted that he was angry that I could be so confrontational that dreaded birthday evening and was enraged that I could accuse him of spitefully refusing to spend time with me. To spare you the torture of the entire discussion, suffice to say that most sentences he mentioned began with “I…..” or “My son….” or the best one of all, “To call my mother and tell her that I, again, changed my mind and would need her to watch the Minnie would have had me in the middle of a confrontation with her…” So let me get this straight, 1. He believes he had every right to be upset the night of my birthday and placed his anger over celebrating my one special day of the year 2. Although she watches the Minnie on our spontaneous ‘freak-week nights’ he’d like me to accept that his own mother would become confrontational if approached about keeping the kid a few extra hours that fateful night and that he would rather endure a confrontation with me, than his own mother 3. He would also have me believe that although I come second to his son today, as time progresses (and Gosh darn it, it has been over a year of our being serious) he would have me take the leap of faith of living with both him and the Minnie in the hopes of being bestowed with an ‘equal’ status that, depending on the occasion, may grant me priority.

Okay, so I sat in disbelief and wondered to myself, ‘Is dude really listening to himself or is he running his mouth without regard to what comes out of it?’

I sat back, took a deep breath and felt the knot in the pit of my stomach finally relax away. “You’re in luck my friend,” I said, “You won’t have to listen to my ‘fuckin’ arguing’ again because it’s over.” Yes folks, my birthday neglect was the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s worn back. Admittedly, I had some responsibility for the outcome. I had failed to relay the many times I felt slighted, ignored and taken advantage of in the hopes that BD would naturally see what I believed to be obvious – that I care and was giving 100% and therefore, he should do the same. It was a belief in teach-by-example. I was mistaken. Sadly, my attempt to communicate my feelings on Tuesday were met with a tongue lashing about loving to “fucking argue.’

I love BD and contrary to what he believes now, I love the Minnie as well. Going forward I hope we can be friends. True love never dies, but I’m up on my feet again, so the days of allowing BD to trek back and forth over my overextended ass are officially over. On the last post comments ShawnQT asked what should be done? I think I just answered your question bruh.

The moral of the story is simple: To give of yourself never requires to give-up on yourself. Once you relegate yourself to a position of #2 you risk damaging your self esteem and losing respect for the very person you’re trying to accommodate.

On Blast
There are two sides to every story. In light of the special event and what you’ve read, is there any way to justify the choices BD made on Tuesday night? (Yes, Jump-Off Joe…I heard you…. LOL)

Keep passin’ the open windows…

Evening Edition - 8/6/08

Any Given Tuesday

As many folks know yesterday was my 39th birthday and I planned a sushi lunch with BD and some close friends. It was a minimum-effort and expense event to avoid any grandiose birthday celebration. Quite honestly, I wasn't up for it the pomp-and-circumstance this year. My close friends know I'm not much of a materialistic person

I’ll preface this story with a conversation I had with BD last November regarding Christmas and birthdays. It highlighted how BD considers Christmas a very important holiday - probably the most important gift-giving time of the year. I iterated that I believed Christmas was for children and that it is highly commercialized, but he wouldn't hear of it. He said that Christmas to him and his folks is a production of sorts. It ended with my accepting that you can't change how folks feel about any given holiday and that if this is how he felt, I would need to get on board with making Christmas special for him. Conversely, I mentioned that birthdays are more important to me since it allows me to focus on one person and dole my attention, affection and finances to making that one-day of the year special. The conversation ended with my feeling that it didn't really matter - my man was going to be treated special whether it was Christmas or his birthday.

Fast forward to a month after our discussion - December - and I was a little out-of-sorts and was anxious about buying BD a gift for Christmas. I debated what he would like and opted to shop with him while he picked out gifts for other folks. Call it an act of God - or pure old-fashioned manipulation- but BD saw a bag he really liked at the Coach store and was ready to plop-down his credit card to purchase it. Once at the counter I decided to take-over and purchase this gift for him, since it was obvious it was something that he really wanted. Five months later (May) when my baby's b-day rolled around I found my way to BD’s favorite jewelry store to put a down payment for a diamond ring we both agreed was perfect for him. One month after that the Minnie celebrated a birthday and I was sure to be there for him as well. At no time did I second-guess my choice to get my partner and his baby these gifts.

I have taught myself to be selfless and as the partner with the vehicle I frequently pick-up, drop off and make special trips to make my man comfortable. A few months ago BD's son inappropriately joked "...our personal cab is here!" while sitting in my car. He giggled and was joined by BD for a hearty laugh. It was a hit below the belt for me, since I have all sorts of issues with feeling taken advantage-of and this was waving all kinds-of red flags for me. I didn't address the little one's comment or BD’s reaction to it.

I sent BD an instant message from the office on my birthday afternoon and said that I was feeling a bit melancholy and that maybe we should put-off our little intimate celebration until Thursday night when he could (maybe) stay at my crib. Fifteen minutes later BD responded with one word, "Cool." I was a bit surprised since he never even asked if I was okay and seeing that it was my birthday and he should want to make the night special for me, the question should have been a logical one. At 4:45 p.m., I hit BD up again and said that maybe we should go forward with our birthday-night plans and I'd like to see him to which he replied, "No, Thursday is fine."

BD appeared upset that I had suggested changing my plans of spending my birthday night with him, opting to spend it alone. Seeing him after work changed my mind and I suggested we go forward with our plans to spend my birthday night together. I assumed the issue of changing my mind was history - especially in light that his intention should have been to make this ONE night in the year, a happy one for me. When we reached my house I asked BD to walk the dog while I freshened-up and he said, "No, I'm going to go ahead and get a cab home." Stunned, I said I would drop him near the grocery store, since I would probably just head out and pick up a couple of beers in preparation of my birthday night alone.

All said, I was shocked that BD would leave me alone on my birthday - seemingly out of spite for attempting to change our plans so while driving him home, I simply said, "It's really spiteful of you to leave me alone on my birthday night...the ONE night in the year where you should make every accommodation to insure that I'm okay." His outburst left me speechless, "You love to fucking argue.” From that moment on we silently rode to BD’s crib where I dropped him and he left me with a simple, "Goodnight."

He never called to check if I returned home okay – 24 hours after dropping him off on MY birthday night, he hasn’t so much as said, ‘suck it up sucker.’

I didn't care that BD had NOTHING for me for my birthday - not even the decency of covering my lunch - but when he refused to give me something as basic as his time, it was a slap in the face for me.

On any given Tuesday this situation may have been blown-off as a bad day at the office and an unfortunate event, but on THIS specific Tuesday BD did the unthinkable; he highlighted that I had placed myself in a position of ‘giver’ and was somehow unworthy of being a ‘receiver’; even on such a momentous occasion. It is an error in judgment that he will soon realize has irreconcilable repercussions.

On Blast
In light of my age I can only think of one saying we have in Spanish….Mas sabe el diablo por viejo que por diablo. Translated: The devil knows more because he’s old than because he’s the devil.
What old saying would you say best describes this disastrous event?

Keep passin’ the open windows…

Morning Edition - 8/5/08

Thank You for 39 Years…
Thank you God for granting me 39 incredible years with folks that have helped me live a truly amazing life. In my late teens I didn’t think I would get to this point, quite honestly, my belief in reaching my late thirties was pretty sketchy until about last year. Today, I know that I’ve lived a full life; one that has allowed me to experience all the colors of life and all the emotions it has to offer.

Thank you to my tight-knit family…my two sisters and two brothers who have been supportive, loving and kind even when I haven’t been.

Thank you to my life-family; you know, the ones that this journey has designated as my family – Colleen, Marcia, Evelyn M., Taqua, Clent, Slugger, Leona, Juanita, Linda and Herbie.

Thank you to the love of my life, BD. You’ve given me an opportunity to love myself and offer that love back to you. I am forever grateful for all that your love gives me.

And thank you to all the folks who have come into my life to make my 39 years feel like life is always worth living; consciously.