Saturday, July 26, 2008
Morning Edition - 7/26/08
Sighs (that deep inhale/exhale) are an unconscious reaction to the good, the bad and sometimes the stagnant feeling that a change is gonna come. Lately, I’ve had my share of sighs; all for very different reasons. Work has been really living up to its name and I rarely have a free moment. The instant I walk through the doors of the 9-to-5, my colleagues are like kids when dad comes home. I barely put my bag down when folks flock to ask questions, get updates and seek help. Encouraging in some ways, if you need to feel wanted and needed, but draining when you’re trying to stick to finishing-up items on your to-do list.
My relationship with BD continues to be on the up-and-up. No complaints, no changes, no downs – and no ups for that matter. We’re looking forward to our Disney family vacation for the Labor Day holiday. The good thing is BD and I have reached that point in our relationship where we know what makes the other tick. I still have minor issues with BD’s ability to tackle sitting down with the Minnie to talk about what the “us” entails – particularly that Cocoa is not daddy’s best friend, but life-partner. When we last spoke about the subject before the summer, BD agreed that he would wait until the Minnie was officially out for summer recess to meet this task head-on. Now, it’s damn-near August and the convo hasn’t happened. Have I put pressure to have BD take care of this? Hell no. I firmly believe that each stage of development – or lack thereof – has its own meaning. I appreciate what his fears may be, but hold fast to what my inner voice tells me. If the convo doesn’t happen by summer’s end, my confidence in the positive progression of our future is diminished. Simply put, the thought of having a child in the mix of my relationship is something that I have enough anxieties about without feeling secretive or closeted about it. Hey, I’ll cross the upcoming bridges when I get to them, but I think the ultimate sense is that I’m not fretting about what is not in my power to change. I’m always putting ME first which means that I’ll consistently evaluate my relationship and the direction it’s going in to assess whether its something that is a positive force in my life.
My 39th birthday is less than two weeks away and I’m sighing at the reality that this will be my last year in my thirties. Wow, time really flies. I may not feel 39, but I sure as hell look it. The toll of late nights, hard work and worry are visible on my face – an issue that I intend to remedy as a gift to myself when I turn 40 in ’09. Until then, it’s a matter of keeping the body healthy and bringing the face up to speed when we hit the big 4-0. I’m really not asking anyone for their blessing or permission on getting some “refreshments” done; I believe it’s a matter of personal choice.
August 17th I set sail for my 7-day cruise to Grand Cayman, Cazumel, Belize and Honduras. I’m excited about finally getting my RELAX on. I’m worn out and this will be my first disconnect from work, home and my relationship in two years! I’m hoping my gut cooperates and whittles down before my trip, but shit, I don’t really care. I do work out 4-5 days a week to keep in decent shape.
The BIGGEST sigh is from the realization that I’m finally ready to start the process of writing my book. I told myself that until I was ready I wasn’t going to give a fuck what anyone thought. Writing the book was going to be about me writing a semi-autobiographical account of my life in third-person. I say “semi” because it won’t all be me or all be true. There’s a sense that I want to keep my life semi-private and there are things that are a bit too painful or uncomfortable for me to ever truly uncover. By writing in a voice that keeps the reality of ME obscure protects my anonymity through the process. I’ll periodically let everyone know where I’m at. Suffice to say, I’m in no rush and believe that whether the book is “da bomb” or bombs, it will be the first time in my life that I’ve let go of it all…the good, the bad, the demons and the triumphs. So as I hit that last quarter of summer sigh, I’m pensive.
The great thing about this time in my life is that I know who I am and I feel truly fearless. ::::SIGH:::::
What are you sighing about?
Keep passin’ the open windows…