Saturday, July 26, 2008

Morning Edition - 7/26/08


The Sigh
Sighs (that deep inhale/exhale) are an unconscious reaction to the good, the bad and sometimes the stagnant feeling that a change is gonna come. Lately, I’ve had my share of sighs; all for very different reasons. Work has been really living up to its name and I rarely have a free moment. The instant I walk through the doors of the 9-to-5, my colleagues are like kids when dad comes home. I barely put my bag down when folks flock to ask questions, get updates and seek help. Encouraging in some ways, if you need to feel wanted and needed, but draining when you’re trying to stick to finishing-up items on your to-do list.

My relationship with BD continues to be on the up-and-up. No complaints, no changes, no downs – and no ups for that matter. We’re looking forward to our Disney family vacation for the Labor Day holiday. The good thing is BD and I have reached that point in our relationship where we know what makes the other tick. I still have minor issues with BD’s ability to tackle sitting down with the Minnie to talk about what the “us” entails – particularly that Cocoa is not daddy’s best friend, but life-partner. When we last spoke about the subject before the summer, BD agreed that he would wait until the Minnie was officially out for summer recess to meet this task head-on. Now, it’s damn-near August and the convo hasn’t happened. Have I put pressure to have BD take care of this? Hell no. I firmly believe that each stage of development – or lack thereof – has its own meaning. I appreciate what his fears may be, but hold fast to what my inner voice tells me. If the convo doesn’t happen by summer’s end, my confidence in the positive progression of our future is diminished. Simply put, the thought of having a child in the mix of my relationship is something that I have enough anxieties about without feeling secretive or closeted about it. Hey, I’ll cross the upcoming bridges when I get to them, but I think the ultimate sense is that I’m not fretting about what is not in my power to change. I’m always putting ME first which means that I’ll consistently evaluate my relationship and the direction it’s going in to assess whether its something that is a positive force in my life.

My 39th birthday is less than two weeks away and I’m sighing at the reality that this will be my last year in my thirties. Wow, time really flies. I may not feel 39, but I sure as hell look it. The toll of late nights, hard work and worry are visible on my face – an issue that I intend to remedy as a gift to myself when I turn 40 in ’09. Until then, it’s a matter of keeping the body healthy and bringing the face up to speed when we hit the big 4-0. I’m really not asking anyone for their blessing or permission on getting some “refreshments” done; I believe it’s a matter of personal choice.

August 17th I set sail for my 7-day cruise to Grand Cayman, Cazumel, Belize and Honduras. I’m excited about finally getting my RELAX on. I’m worn out and this will be my first disconnect from work, home and my relationship in two years! I’m hoping my gut cooperates and whittles down before my trip, but shit, I don’t really care. I do work out 4-5 days a week to keep in decent shape.

The BIGGEST sigh is from the realization that I’m finally ready to start the process of writing my book. I told myself that until I was ready I wasn’t going to give a fuck what anyone thought. Writing the book was going to be about me writing a semi-autobiographical account of my life in third-person. I say “semi” because it won’t all be me or all be true. There’s a sense that I want to keep my life semi-private and there are things that are a bit too painful or uncomfortable for me to ever truly uncover. By writing in a voice that keeps the reality of ME obscure protects my anonymity through the process. I’ll periodically let everyone know where I’m at. Suffice to say, I’m in no rush and believe that whether the book is “da bomb” or bombs, it will be the first time in my life that I’ve let go of it all…the good, the bad, the demons and the triumphs. So as I hit that last quarter of summer sigh, I’m pensive.

The great thing about this time in my life is that I know who I am and I feel truly fearless. ::::SIGH:::::

On Blast
What are you sighing about?

Keep passin’ the open windows…

12 comments:

Joey Bahamas said...

I love this post. It sounds like...it sounds like life. I read your stuff and it makes me smile.

As for sighing...well I'm a well known sigher. I sigh all the time, it's me letting go of stuff, calming my self down, giving my mind a break. My bf can hear it coming and usually mocks me. The things I sigh about are usually the things I don't verbalize, the things I don't want anyone to know. *Sigh*

Loved this post! Luv!!!


JB

D.LavarJames said...

I'm kind of sighing that me and my partner are in a rut, I mean we live together, but the place we live in, a basement apartment is just not enough room for us and the dog we have. I feel like we need to get in a better place, that's much roomier, so we can begin to possible start a family, cuz with or without him, I want kids. Only time will tell.

Curio said...

Someone said that today is the youngest you will ever be, so act like it! Enjoy each day, don't worry about the age.

I am sighing alot these days as summer continues to unfold and my life keep changing.

fuzzy said...

It seems like you have a good balance going on! I wouldn't say that you look 39 either but its all about what you think! You can definitely stay at 39 from now on if you commit yourself to do so.

August 17th, you have a personal ticket from me to you o relax! lol Don't worry, you don't have to pay me back, its on the house! :-)

I'm nit signing about anything these days! I am learning not to complain as much. At the very least not let it effect me!

Darius T. Williams said...

I'm sighing at the fact that summer is almost over and school is about to resume!

Um, a book? Well, alright Cocoa - I love that. I'm going the Grand Caymans too - on a 7 day cruise in November. Take pics and share them, will ya?

WiseYoungMan said...

Im sighing about my crush...

Chet said...

First and foremost you certainly appear/look to be younger than 39 so why worry yourself the number 40is just a number the dedication to working out and loving the skin you are in is all that matters the numbers should be considered accolades for the job well done.

Pleased to hear that you are getting away for a minute to relax and soak up the sun; it will do you a world of good.

It appears that you have your ducks in row and there appears to be love all around you so utilize that and stop allowing the things you can't change distrub your piece of mind.

Writing will be a great outlet for you, get that laptop out and do your thang Boo; if you have a story to tell then tell it well share the pain, the ups downs and the misunderstood. I promise to be one of the first to purchase your book.

Hey man, you and BD will have the ups and downs but please do not measure your love through those ups and downs, you will rollacoster from time to time, sigh all you want you gonna make it after all.

ShawnQt said...

Well like in Waiting to Exhale, "You Look Good Girl!" LOL. I hope the conversation with Minnie comes sooner then later.

Enjoy your trips!

And me, sometimes Im waiting to exhale, and other times I just keep breathing in!

Caspar608 said...

actually, you remind me of Pee-Wee Herman...remember when he was looking for his bicycle in the rain and he kirked out a little? Thats who you remind me of in your profile pic....

That Dude Right There said...

I'm sighing about the fact that I actually feel content with my life. Nothing is perfect or going extremely well, but i've gotten to a point where i hae decided not to worry about things.

So a 'sigh' is all that problems and issues get.

One Man’s Opinion said...

I can listen to Lady B, sorry.

How old is the little one again? I would not relish the talk, although I really want to understand your point of view. Besides, kids are not stupid. They know which direction the wind is blowing from. Don't let your boy's inablility to talk to his boy affect the strenght of your your growing relationship.

Hey, so we both have a birthday coming. I got a year on you. August the 13th, baby boy. Leos in the house!.

Don't have work done, baby boy. I know you are not asking for permission and nor do you need it, but plastic surgery makes peoples faces look plastic. Well, I guess it depends on the kind of surgery you have, but still.

You look fine, from all the pictures you post. But, whatever floats your boat. Still, I am hoping that you will elect not to have any work done. Of course that's just One Man's Opinion.

I love it when you post about your relationship. I can feel you and they are normally some of your best post.

Tiffanie said...

I, too, love your posts. I'm getting caught up and I'm so damn happy for you and BD. Child you have me on the edge at times!

Sighing, I've been sighing at so many things, but lately it's the finances. For you non-parents, the summer can bring both relief (from school work and projects) and a headache. It's expensive as HELL to send TWO children to camps. It's almost over and I'm waiting to exhale...