Monday, March 31, 2008

Afternoon Edition - 3/31/08

Monday, 12:45 a.m.; Only One Thing to Do After A Long Weekend

Is This The Life?
All things being equal, I’m really glad I’m taking the time to think through my relationship with BD. He and I have reconnected and are having lengthy conversations about where we were, where we want to be and agreed that we would take some time to really think about our future carefully before making any definitive decisions on whether we will make our relationship work or resort to being friends. Presently, I’m clearer on where BD is and he is making every effort to narrow the divide between our differing periods of development. I think what gave me pause on my decision to end it all was that BD has proven to be worth waiting for – at least short term. This isn’t to say that I’m waiting indefinitely or that I’m committed to making this work no matter what – but we’re comfortable with recognizing that I cannot wait long and that he needs to tie up his loose ends if we stand a chance at making our relationship a forever thing. As we spent the entire weekend together, the feeling was one of romance, warmth and family. We spent an intimate Friday night – thanks to grandma for taking care of the Minnie – and then we picked up the Minnie on Saturday, had lunch, watched Horton Hears a Who and settled-in together for an evening of video games, dinner and old flicks. BD set-up my Christmas-gift TV in my bedroom and the Minnie sat at my pub table talking to me while I prepared a breakfast dinner Saturday night. When I joined him to eat dinner, he looked up and said, “Wow, these eggs are good. How did you make them?” I smiled, surprised since he’s never commented on my cooking before saying, “I use whipped butter and a secret ingredient.” He giggled and said, “Well, they’re great. This is the life!” We both laughed and BD walked in to find that we devoured the entire breakfast set-up. I sent the Minnie to wash his face and hands before playing his video games and started making a second batch of my ‘bomb-eggs’ for BD. As he propped himself up into the same chair the Minnie sat at moments earlier and I busied myself getting everything together he called out to me and I looked over to find him smiling widely, “I can really see us living this way everyday. I’m so happy right now.” I quickly shot back, “Yeah, yeah… just don’t get used to me preparing all the meals around here,” before we both broke out laughing and I admitted that, “Yeah, I can see us like this permanently too.” By Sunday night we were all worn out and BD looked chinky-eyed and sleepy. His chicken parmesan dinner went over well and our bellies were as full as our hearts. I laid across my bed and drifted off...BD walked to the corner and took a cab home. …so time will reveal and everything seems to be taking shape, so I’m asking myself, “Is this the life?”

On Blast
Careful what you ask for because you just might get it. After revealing to BD that I needed more, I deserved it all and that I would settle for nothing less, he is systematically making those requests a reality. I’m marveling on how he’s answering my challenge and making me accountable to hold up my end of the deal. Sometimes in life we’re unable to see our worth; we’re afraid to voice what our needs and desires are; we live frustrated believing that if we ask, we will not be satisfied.

What are you afraid to ask for that, if granted, would make you a much happier person?

Keep passin’ the open windows…

Monday, March 24, 2008

Morning Edition - 3/24/08

Are You Ready To Hang Up That Jersey?
I don’t consider myself a player, but even at the ripe age of 38-years old, I don’t have a problem meeting folks. As BD and I sort-out our issues and I ponder whether we’re ready to take this into the ‘forever’ everyone thinks of, I hung out with my friends and hit the scene. With no intention of meeting anyone or even looking at anything; just throwing back a few brews with my boyz. The vultures smell the scent of blood – the one running from my aching heart. From the moment I checked my coat there was one Busta or another hittin’ up, smiling, winking and talkin’ mad smack. I’m grown folks people…the sight of a pretty piece of ass doesn’t quite turn my head when I’m debating whether I should consider investing the rest of my life with a man that has anchored my heart with all that I feel relevant and important. BD and I have talked throughout the day since Friday and there is no mistaking that we love each other more than anything. So as I toss around the question of whether BD can make the changes necessary to make us an infinite powerhouse, I return from a night out and the men who tried pushin’ up and know in my heart that he is my love…he is the man who makes me take off the club attire and lay naked in my bed thinking of him. I run my fingers across my body and feel his hands touching me as he always does. I curl into a fetal position and rest my hands on the heart that beats for him. While most of my friends see me as the player that can’t be bothered and would be hard-pressed to allow myself to be tethered to one man, BD is my anchor. He is the man that fills me with all that is real and true. It’s a hard decision to make and I’m looking to BD to see if he can bring us over the finish line of the dating race? Will BD hold to his word and resolve the issues that made me question our team? I don’t know, but I do know that thanks to him this player is ready to hang up his jersey. See the game is fun, but there’s something more important than the occasional win or even the MVP status that comes from feeling that you were lucky enough to pull off wins into your mature years. A winning team is a greater prize than the star player that finds himself worn by the game.

On Blast
Are you ready to hang up that jersey?

Keep passin’ the open windows…

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Morning Edition - 3/22/08

Time Will Reveal
Sometimes it takes being still to find your way… just being perfectly quiet so that you don’t miss the important points tossed your way. They say that when one of your senses is compromised, others are amplified. My choice to mute my many feelings and opinions about all the happenings in my life right now have helped me hear the voice of truth and reason. After a week of stirring at night about BD and our relationship’s end, I could only think that I hated to have him suffer. The thought of him being hurt was boring its way into my soul. On Thursday afternoon I did the unthinkable…I grabbed the envelope I received from the Minnie's school at my home a few days earlier and walked up to BD’s department to drop it off. It was one of those ‘buy a magazine subscription and support the school’ deals. He turned to face me and looked surprised, relieved and intense. He smiled and my heart melted in my chest. I handed him the envelope, maintained my cool and said that I had chosen some sort of Nickelodeon subscription for the Minnie, “You can feel free to change it if you think something else is more appropriate.” As I turned to walk away I heard his footsteps behind me as he handed me a large box and said, “Please take this with you and open it at home…don’t peek!” We both smiled and I quickly shot back, “If this is an inappropriate gift I’ll have to return it. Agreed?” He continued to walk me to the elevator all the while staring at me as though I was an apparition. When the elevator arrived I stepped back into it so as to not break our gaze and smiled, winked and said, “Deactivate,” as the doors closed. As soon as I reached my office I noticed the instant message from him that read, “It was great seeing you. Please fight the desire to peek!” When I got home, I opened the bag to find a beautiful cloth box with a satin bow on it. I slowly took the elaborate bow off and opened the box to find 18 white tulips; a small, light-blue envelope sat at the corner of the box. White tulips are my absolute favorite flowers – BD knows this – and I carefully filled a vase and propped each of them into it before sitting the vase on my pub table. I returned to my bedroom and opened the envelope to read a 5-page letter (handwritten, no less) that told the story of all that I mean to him, what he’s in the process of doing and mentioning that he will wait and fight for our relationship. I felt that frog in my throat begin to choke at me and took another swig of my coffee before finishing the letter and returning it to its envelope. I placed it in my nightstand and sent BD a text. “I read your letter and my heart is really full right now. Please know that I love you and will take the time to reflect on us and my decisions. Thank you for sharing so openly. It means the world to me.” Last night, BD and I had dinner and laughed about many of the goings-on in our lives before finally settling on the main conversation at hand – us. It’s clear that we love each other. More than ever I felt overwhelmed by the look in the eyes of a man who was willing to do anything to make US work. A part of me wanted to reach out and hug him to me and tell him that he would never have to hurt again, but the, now silent, realist held back. The old R&B group Debarge had a song – one of my favorites really – entitled Time Will Reveal. It is what I closed our conversation with. No one can steal, take away or prevent you from what is yours…if we are meant to be, we will be. The experienced part of me says to be still and wait…Time will reveal.

On Blast
When you are faced with difficult decisions, saying less and listening more can sometimes render the answers you seek. Have you had a situation that didn’t require a lot of discussion, just time to sort things out?

Keep passin’ the open windows…

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Morning Edition - 3/20/08

On Blast
You may have been right and you don’t regret what you’ve said, but have you had an experience that made you believe you should’ve chosen your words more carefully?

Keep passin’ the open windows…

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Morning Edition - 3/18/08

The Gambler

On Blast
Do you know when to hold them....know when to fold them...know when to walk away and know when to run?

Keep passin' the open windows...

Monday, March 17, 2008

Morning Edition - 3/17/08

The Agony of Clarity
While some folks require time to gather their thoughts before speaking on any subject, it’s both a blessing and a curse that I’ve always thought on my feet and will often speak and gather my thoughts while doing so. It’s as if clarity comes through hearing me talk about the subject at hand. My break-up with BD was no different. I told him exactly how I felt; my frustration building as I heard myself relay what I was going through. I cut him off at every turn and sealed any loopholes he could find to explain why events transpired as they had. On Friday night BD conversed with me via text and explained precisely how he felt. His well thought-out feelings resonated with me and I heard everything I always needed to hear from him. His explanations touched my core, since they made perfect sense. I felt BD’s love, but more important, I felt his pain. I wanted to comfort him, but I realized my attempts to take his pain away would only hurt him more in the long run. We agree that we love each other; we agree that we hold all the qualities we’ve always wanted in a partner; we agree that we bring out each other’s strengths. What we differ on is what this means for our future. It became clear that ours wasn’t an issue of infidelity, disrespect or lack of love and attention. Our Achilles heel is the enormous disparity in our development. I am a gay man that has been out for as long as I can remember. I’ve been on my own since the age of 15 and have learned the ins and outs of relationships. I’m out to my friends, family and coworkers. I’m respected by all because of the strength and confidence that comes from being gay for, what appears to be, a lifetime. BD hasn’t come out yet and needs the time to massage these relationships with this news. He requires patience to explain his life to his son and to put his baby’s momma in her proper place. The enormous chasm of our development would require one of us to be unhappy in compromise to make us work. When the reality of the situation hit me on Friday night, I was overcome with a sense of complete despair. I had everything I could want in a man – except I had to wait for him to develop and grow into the man that could make me completely happy. To continue the relationship BD would need to work out of his comfort zone at break-neck speeds and risk alienating his family and close friends to share with them who he is. He would need to provide an ultimatum to his baby’s mom to respect who he is; who I am to him and where we are or wait until their son is an adult to see him again. All of these would make us work – NOW – but would probably make BD a very unhappy and potentially an isolated man. It would change the love of my life into someone who would resent me for rushing him along. Conversely, waiting for BD to grow at his own pace would frustrate and unnerve me. It would destroy my self esteem and kill my spirit. The wait would transform me into someone other than the man BD has fallen in love with. So as the tears streamed down my face reading his text messages and the overwhelming desire to comfort him shook my soul, I did the only thing I knew how to do. I became the impenetrable strong man. I asked him to understand that I could not fight to make us work. I finished by saying that although I loved him, I’d appreciate if he respected my wish to end our relationship. The agony of clarity is my realization that love does not conquer all; that sometimes loving someone means being a realist and recognizing that even when you want to selfishly ask that someone conforms to your needs, it’s more important to respect their life and show true love by allowing them to keep all that is important to them intact. I love BD enough to let him go so that he can – at his own pace – have the same slow progression into the beauty that his life will be once he has tied up all his loose ends. I am human, however, and the thought that I may be giving up the best man that ever happened to me is one that has left me deeply saddened. My only comfort is that BD will be happy in the end and that he will have the opportunity to be in a better place once he’s ready to love again; even a lottery win couldn’t compare to the prize he will be.

On Blast
Reminding myself that my decision is what’s best for both us is the only thing that keeps me sane. I feel that although he may never understand how I could seem so cut and dry, that he will one day appreciate the amount of pain my decision caused me and that I had his best interest at heart when I let us go.
Have you done something that has shown you your ability to be selfless and proven your true love for someone?

Keep passin’ the open windows…

Friday, March 14, 2008

Morning Edition - 3/14/08

Absolutely Not; Deborah Cox

On Blast
There's a part of us that wants to please others. Sometimes that part of who we are can change us into someone we aren't. Today, I'm finding it easy to say, "Absolutely not!"
What are you saying ABSOLUTELY NOT to today?

Keep passin' the open windows...

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Morning Edition - 3/12/08

Deal or No Deal?
All the communication in the world will pale in the face of disregard. This is to say that whether you are communicating with your lover, your boss or your child, if the message is not getting across or is being ignored, you are left to make some very serious decisions. Whether a person’s lack of regard for your feelings is conscious or unconscious is irrelevant. You don’t feel any more important or less slighted by an individual’s repeated failure to meet your expectations. Case in point, I am very compromising when it comes to my relationship with BD. I accept that our relationship requires me to make many more compromises than are expected of him – namely, my accepting that plans can be altered or cancelled because of scheduling challenges involving his minor-son or that his ex-wife has the ability to pull his attention with the pretense of discussing their son. Make no mistake, I gladly work around a minor; the wife is a somewhat stickier situation – one I’ve tried putting in the right perspective. All said, the challenges of previous entanglements can spell disaster for a relationship, but BD and I have weathered those difficult issues with aplomb. There have been several core issues that I don’t feel I can compromise on and I have been very clear with BD that they are deal breakers for me. First – I cannot and will not live in the shadows for my man. We must live as partners and openly gay soul mates. This means that you will need to come to terms with who you are as a gay man and as my proud lover. You should convey this to your family members and friends alike to insure I am afforded the respect due a spouse. I will not live as your pal, buddy or friend. If that is your intention, you should either a) agree to be platonic buddies or b) find someone who can agree to that type of relationship. Second – I believe that I must hold a position of priority in your life; equal to that of your son. This doesn’t mean that you drop your son or neglect him to afford me time, but it does mean that just as you would answer ANY and ALL calls from your son when he is not with you and are available to him at all times, this priority must be extended to me as well. I don’t want to roll into voicemail during regular evening hours and have my call returned at odd hours (3, 4, 5 a.m.) with messages that you fell asleep and did not hear my calls. I’ve made abundantly clear that these two issues when disregarded serve to diminish me as a partner and heighten my insecurities; repeated incidents that serve as glaring examples of conscious and unconscious missteps have left me worn, anxiety-ridden and disappointed. I believe in second – even third – chances, but when matters can’t be rectified, I have to call to question your commitment to making US work and whether we are positioned to handle much more serious challenges that will arise in our relationship. Where there is no trust – not simply trust that you are being faithful, but trust that you are my ‘ride or die’ partner and it is you and I against the world – then the relationship cannot work. On a more positive note, BD is an amazing man; one that will have no problem finding someone that is better suited to his relationship needs. For me, I prefer being single, than to be turned into a panic-stricken, devalued and frustrated man. I have no doubt that BD and I will be great friends, but to maintain my sanity and the integrity of our friendship, we are officially a WRAP. No deal.

On Blast
Love. True love does not make you take a backseat – consistently – to flourish. True love will not heighten your negatives traits in its struggle to survive. True love starts with knowing that to be the best you for your partner you have to partner with someone who brings out the best in you and understands what issues can make or break your relationship.
As it relates to relationships, what are some of your deal breakers?

Keep passin’ the open windows…

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Afternoon Edition - 3/9/08

Be Still
Going from a year of astounding highs and finding myself encountering some pretty rough patches, has left me worn and pensive. I’m not down – mainly because I recognize that even in my lows, I’m extremely fortunate. I love my life right now – even with the seemingly unfair sideswipes. My aunt hasn’t recovered and really isn’t expected to recover, but she’s well enough to be home again. At 89 years old, she’s lived a full life surrounded by loving family and friends. Her late-in-life illness, though painful to live through, highlights the volatility of the human body. After suffering various massive strokes, she has awakened to still give some feisty advice and show her rambunctious spirit. Thank you to everyone who prayed and wished for the best. As for the Maryland tax bullies, I’m in the process of piecing together tax information that was filed with that state seven years ago and has apparently since been lost by the powers that be. Like any oversized school yard tyrant, they are presently holding my 2007 federal and state refund – thousands of dollars I already earmarked for other projects – until I can recreate and submit ancient state tax returns. My lesson learned is that when it comes to tax and/or government information, there is no time limit before you can trash paperwork. That said, I’m not down-trodden. It’s all coming together and I trust I’ll eventually have my refund returned. It’s one of those times in my life that I can fret, fight, cuss and bite, but I think I’m doing just well being still.

And His Name Is Me
That’s right, a slight gender retooling to the Tamia hit song lyrics and PRESTO! I have the theme song for my life. I’m sure to some the narcissistic view of having myself as the focus for daily decisions can seem self centered, but take it from me, you’ll never go wrong with doing right by yourself. Case in point, in the last couple of years, I had taken the focus away from me in an effort to prove to those around me that I cared about them and in turn was making a wholehearted effort at giving the most of myself. What I’ve noticed is that I felt increasingly worn, disrespected, taken-advantage-of and disappointed with the results of my relationships. My romantic relationship – which many of you will remember includes a divorced single father – left me feeling compromised. I was giving 100% and accepting a much smaller percent in return believing that it was what needed to be done to make such a relationship work. The reality is that I had to come to terms with accepting that I am as important to my man as his other priorities and MUST be one in order to be happy. Yes, I recognize he needs to give his son his love and attention, but if he’s going to be an equal partner in our relationship, he also has to give me 100%. The discussion has been had, my needs have been clarified and I wait. I say I wait because I’ve made a mental note to myself how long I will wait before I recognize whether BD and I have a future together or whether I’m buying into a future of frustrations and depreciated self worth. Make no mistake, I love BD, but again, ‘And his name is me. And he loves me more than BD will ever know. I finally found that loving me and loving him, just don’t seem to work at all. …and to choose between the two and you know if I have to choose I choose me.’ My friends are a much easier situation to deal with. They appear to know me and what works better, but even those relationships can have their disasters. Case in point, my good friend Herbie is a heart. He’s my boy, my ace…he holds it down for me. Unfortunately, he’s also a drunk. Every weekend that we hang out brings us closer to catching a case and I haven’t come this far in my life to end up servicing cell block D to survive. Moreover, his incessant alcohol abuse leaves me babysitting and playing bodyguard to insure he gets home in one piece. After repeated admonitions that I can’t roll like this for a good time, my frustration came to a head last night. While celebrating my boi Slugger’s birthday Herbie got drunk, insisted on being loud and belligerent forcing me to assert myself to control him. To add insult to injury he permanently damaged the rear seat of my car and figured a simple ‘sorry’ would have us ‘all good’ today. My text response was simple, ‘I love you, but I can’t allow you to compromise our good time for yours. You’ve disrespected me and disregarded me for the last time. I’m going to think our friendship through and will get back with you later in the week.’ If you want the inside scoop on what our next conversation will include, here goes…’The next time we hang, you are on your own the moment you drink too much to show good judgment You can never ride in my car again and if you disrespect me I’m stepping – assuming I’m not forced to punch you in your fuckin’ mouth.’ Hey, it may seem crude and raw, but that’s how we roll and that’s what the deal is. ‘To choose between us two. Boi you know if I have to choose, I choose me. One thing is certain, I won’t exactly be everyone’s favorite person. On the bright side, I’ll have a much easier time sleeping at night knowing I’m keeping the one person I have to look at and live with happy everyday. Me.

M Butterfly
Evelyn M celebrates a birthday this Thursday. My beautiful, loyal, sexy soldier is one of my favorite females ever. When I met Ev I knew there was something special about her. I love a woman who is smart, strong and is a make-it-happen chick. Ev is all those things. Throughout the years, Ev has proven her love is real and enduring. She has shown me loyalty beyond what I could have asked. Most of all, she makes me believe in friendship as family. Happy birthday ma! You’ll always be the only pumpkin.

On Blast
It’s important that you give 100% of yourself in everything you do. It is the main ingredient to being the best and having the best.
Have you neglected giving 100% to the one person you have to live with every single day – yourself?

Keep passin’ the open windows…