Sunday, March 09, 2008

Afternoon Edition - 3/9/08

Be Still
Going from a year of astounding highs and finding myself encountering some pretty rough patches, has left me worn and pensive. I’m not down – mainly because I recognize that even in my lows, I’m extremely fortunate. I love my life right now – even with the seemingly unfair sideswipes. My aunt hasn’t recovered and really isn’t expected to recover, but she’s well enough to be home again. At 89 years old, she’s lived a full life surrounded by loving family and friends. Her late-in-life illness, though painful to live through, highlights the volatility of the human body. After suffering various massive strokes, she has awakened to still give some feisty advice and show her rambunctious spirit. Thank you to everyone who prayed and wished for the best. As for the Maryland tax bullies, I’m in the process of piecing together tax information that was filed with that state seven years ago and has apparently since been lost by the powers that be. Like any oversized school yard tyrant, they are presently holding my 2007 federal and state refund – thousands of dollars I already earmarked for other projects – until I can recreate and submit ancient state tax returns. My lesson learned is that when it comes to tax and/or government information, there is no time limit before you can trash paperwork. That said, I’m not down-trodden. It’s all coming together and I trust I’ll eventually have my refund returned. It’s one of those times in my life that I can fret, fight, cuss and bite, but I think I’m doing just well being still.

And His Name Is Me
That’s right, a slight gender retooling to the Tamia hit song lyrics and PRESTO! I have the theme song for my life. I’m sure to some the narcissistic view of having myself as the focus for daily decisions can seem self centered, but take it from me, you’ll never go wrong with doing right by yourself. Case in point, in the last couple of years, I had taken the focus away from me in an effort to prove to those around me that I cared about them and in turn was making a wholehearted effort at giving the most of myself. What I’ve noticed is that I felt increasingly worn, disrespected, taken-advantage-of and disappointed with the results of my relationships. My romantic relationship – which many of you will remember includes a divorced single father – left me feeling compromised. I was giving 100% and accepting a much smaller percent in return believing that it was what needed to be done to make such a relationship work. The reality is that I had to come to terms with accepting that I am as important to my man as his other priorities and MUST be one in order to be happy. Yes, I recognize he needs to give his son his love and attention, but if he’s going to be an equal partner in our relationship, he also has to give me 100%. The discussion has been had, my needs have been clarified and I wait. I say I wait because I’ve made a mental note to myself how long I will wait before I recognize whether BD and I have a future together or whether I’m buying into a future of frustrations and depreciated self worth. Make no mistake, I love BD, but again, ‘And his name is me. And he loves me more than BD will ever know. I finally found that loving me and loving him, just don’t seem to work at all. …and to choose between the two and you know if I have to choose I choose me.’ My friends are a much easier situation to deal with. They appear to know me and what works better, but even those relationships can have their disasters. Case in point, my good friend Herbie is a heart. He’s my boy, my ace…he holds it down for me. Unfortunately, he’s also a drunk. Every weekend that we hang out brings us closer to catching a case and I haven’t come this far in my life to end up servicing cell block D to survive. Moreover, his incessant alcohol abuse leaves me babysitting and playing bodyguard to insure he gets home in one piece. After repeated admonitions that I can’t roll like this for a good time, my frustration came to a head last night. While celebrating my boi Slugger’s birthday Herbie got drunk, insisted on being loud and belligerent forcing me to assert myself to control him. To add insult to injury he permanently damaged the rear seat of my car and figured a simple ‘sorry’ would have us ‘all good’ today. My text response was simple, ‘I love you, but I can’t allow you to compromise our good time for yours. You’ve disrespected me and disregarded me for the last time. I’m going to think our friendship through and will get back with you later in the week.’ If you want the inside scoop on what our next conversation will include, here goes…’The next time we hang, you are on your own the moment you drink too much to show good judgment You can never ride in my car again and if you disrespect me I’m stepping – assuming I’m not forced to punch you in your fuckin’ mouth.’ Hey, it may seem crude and raw, but that’s how we roll and that’s what the deal is. ‘To choose between us two. Boi you know if I have to choose, I choose me. One thing is certain, I won’t exactly be everyone’s favorite person. On the bright side, I’ll have a much easier time sleeping at night knowing I’m keeping the one person I have to look at and live with happy everyday. Me.

M Butterfly
Evelyn M celebrates a birthday this Thursday. My beautiful, loyal, sexy soldier is one of my favorite females ever. When I met Ev I knew there was something special about her. I love a woman who is smart, strong and is a make-it-happen chick. Ev is all those things. Throughout the years, Ev has proven her love is real and enduring. She has shown me loyalty beyond what I could have asked. Most of all, she makes me believe in friendship as family. Happy birthday ma! You’ll always be the only pumpkin.

On Blast
It’s important that you give 100% of yourself in everything you do. It is the main ingredient to being the best and having the best.
Have you neglected giving 100% to the one person you have to live with every single day – yourself?

Keep passin’ the open windows…


life said...

YES! YES! YES! His name is me. I'm in that exact place. I had plans on blogging about it later this. I've been working on my "vices" and being a person is is extremely easy to get along with, but I realize in the pass few months ppl are going to do them and I need to do the same. I've been debating for the pass couple of weeks on how to break this news to Slick (my bf) and Plan B.

Chet said...

Pleased to hear that you are repairing the bridge instead of treading the troubled waters. (That tax situation with Maryland).

Your Aunt will continue to be in my prayers.

Friends and Booze don't always mix.

Tamia (Gotta check that one out)

Happy Birthday to your favorite Female: Evelyn M

Yes it is important to give 100% of self.

Darius T. Williams said...

Oh my God is this post hot! You did this one! I can completely understand about you and BD...we can share similiar stories in Baltimore - lol. But, I've started to realize that when I give myself 100%, myself does me right. Things start coming back and the payoff for my investment becomes greater and greater. I love that song by Tamia and I love how you've incorporated these principles into your life. Kudos to you sir!

That Dude Right There said...

I've neglected to both give myself and put forth 100% for the last 30 years, but you can best believe that time has passed. It's time for me and only me.

Anonymous said...

I hope Spitzers wife can sing this song come the mornin......

Anonymous said...

100% utilization yields 100% risk of failure- no room for improvement.

Are you running a short race or targeting efficient endurance?

Cocoa Rican said...

Cap...Both...and doin' it well.