Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Morning Edition - 3/12/08


Deal or No Deal?
All the communication in the world will pale in the face of disregard. This is to say that whether you are communicating with your lover, your boss or your child, if the message is not getting across or is being ignored, you are left to make some very serious decisions. Whether a person’s lack of regard for your feelings is conscious or unconscious is irrelevant. You don’t feel any more important or less slighted by an individual’s repeated failure to meet your expectations. Case in point, I am very compromising when it comes to my relationship with BD. I accept that our relationship requires me to make many more compromises than are expected of him – namely, my accepting that plans can be altered or cancelled because of scheduling challenges involving his minor-son or that his ex-wife has the ability to pull his attention with the pretense of discussing their son. Make no mistake, I gladly work around a minor; the wife is a somewhat stickier situation – one I’ve tried putting in the right perspective. All said, the challenges of previous entanglements can spell disaster for a relationship, but BD and I have weathered those difficult issues with aplomb. There have been several core issues that I don’t feel I can compromise on and I have been very clear with BD that they are deal breakers for me. First – I cannot and will not live in the shadows for my man. We must live as partners and openly gay soul mates. This means that you will need to come to terms with who you are as a gay man and as my proud lover. You should convey this to your family members and friends alike to insure I am afforded the respect due a spouse. I will not live as your pal, buddy or friend. If that is your intention, you should either a) agree to be platonic buddies or b) find someone who can agree to that type of relationship. Second – I believe that I must hold a position of priority in your life; equal to that of your son. This doesn’t mean that you drop your son or neglect him to afford me time, but it does mean that just as you would answer ANY and ALL calls from your son when he is not with you and are available to him at all times, this priority must be extended to me as well. I don’t want to roll into voicemail during regular evening hours and have my call returned at odd hours (3, 4, 5 a.m.) with messages that you fell asleep and did not hear my calls. I’ve made abundantly clear that these two issues when disregarded serve to diminish me as a partner and heighten my insecurities; repeated incidents that serve as glaring examples of conscious and unconscious missteps have left me worn, anxiety-ridden and disappointed. I believe in second – even third – chances, but when matters can’t be rectified, I have to call to question your commitment to making US work and whether we are positioned to handle much more serious challenges that will arise in our relationship. Where there is no trust – not simply trust that you are being faithful, but trust that you are my ‘ride or die’ partner and it is you and I against the world – then the relationship cannot work. On a more positive note, BD is an amazing man; one that will have no problem finding someone that is better suited to his relationship needs. For me, I prefer being single, than to be turned into a panic-stricken, devalued and frustrated man. I have no doubt that BD and I will be great friends, but to maintain my sanity and the integrity of our friendship, we are officially a WRAP. No deal.

On Blast
Love. True love does not make you take a backseat – consistently – to flourish. True love will not heighten your negatives traits in its struggle to survive. True love starts with knowing that to be the best you for your partner you have to partner with someone who brings out the best in you and understands what issues can make or break your relationship.
As it relates to relationships, what are some of your deal breakers?

Keep passin’ the open windows…

14 comments:

fuzzy said...

Hmmm I am not definitely sure! I gotta get back to you on this!

Curious said...

I am not in your relationship so I can't comment on it, but to answer your question; Lord knows I'm not religious, but just like the 1st commandment, "you shall have no other gods before me" is a deal breaker. Put me 2nd, 3rd or 4th on the list of priorities and there's going to be a problem.

Joey Bahamas said...

My freedom is one. Men who are jealous, who won't trust me, who believe that they should control where I go, who I see, and what I do, I cannot entertain them. Also, my man must be comfortable with who he is and can see a future with another man. I've met boys who want to date me, but have literally told me they are going to stop being gay and marry a woman in the future. I don't date for fun, but for keeps. If you can't see us in a serious relationship with a possible, not certian, future...then sweety, it's no deal....no shade!

JB

Darius T. Williams said...

LAWD - say it ain't so?!?! Well, I can definitely understand how you feel, how you wish to be treated, and how you have handled the situation.

I guess for me - I don't believe in roles, you know - the fact that someone is more dominant and someone is more submissive. Hell to the NO - we are both men. I need an even balance. Sometimes I feel like having PMS and being a bitch and other times I feel like throwing on Timbs and cooking breakfast in a t-shirt for you while you wait in the bedroom (LOL - but I don't believe in roles - you know what I mean). I need an good balance of both. If you can't offer that - then it's going to be difficult. Other deal breakers include being messy, not being mature, horrible hygiene, complacency, and respect. I'm w/curious on this one - Negro, I should be #1 - make me feel like that.

life said...

aahhmm...I'm done. I have anything to say. Oh lord there is no hope left

Anonymous said...

My Love...be easy. It sounds like you are really hurting. Realtionships are not perfect. We all have our flaws and baggage. Communication is the key.

Joey Bahamas said...

Cocoa...you will NOT forward me info for AA meetings in the District of Columbia...LMAO! You really tried it...and I got my everlasting life!!

JB

Cocoa Rican said...

LOL...Joey, I knew you'd luv it. Only one of my baby gurlz could really appreciate that shit.

My peeps...I'm fine...really. Thanks for the well wishes and concern.

Anonymous said...

gladys gone be at Lehman College Performing Arts Center....just a FYI shooga!

Sammygirl said...

My kids. Hubby came into our life, and I told him when we finally got serious - she's part of the deal. No matter how much "we" love each other, he must love her as well. Thankfully it was never an issue. Now he jokes that if we divorce I'll be paying him child support!!

Mr. Jones said...

This is interesting. It seemed that you two were doing so well. I certainly understand all about deal breakers though. I already know you'll be fine and do what you need to do to move on, so I won't even do the "woe is Cocoa" thing.

As for my deal breakers, I've got a few. Follow me over to my blog and I'll post about them.

That Dude Right There said...

I'm damn near about to cry reading that you 2 have called it quits. Maybe because I looked forward to reading about your, his, and the Mini's actics and excursions.

But on to the question at hand, the #1 deal breaker for me is lying. There is just no reason to lie when in a relationship.

The Captain said...

If you need to partner with someone to bring out the best in you...then you have already taken the back seat.

They're your words...not mine.

Have a good day!

Kensilo said...

Cocoa,

Everything you said is right on the money. When in relationships it is basically Ride or Die situation. Both partners HAVE to be on the same page non stop.
Nothing should interfere with it or diminish it. Iam sorry to heal about your relationship. **HUGZS**

A lack of Respect and trust is major deal breakers for me.

Take care.