Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Morning Edition - 3/12/08
Deal or No Deal?
All the communication in the world will pale in the face of disregard. This is to say that whether you are communicating with your lover, your boss or your child, if the message is not getting across or is being ignored, you are left to make some very serious decisions. Whether a person’s lack of regard for your feelings is conscious or unconscious is irrelevant. You don’t feel any more important or less slighted by an individual’s repeated failure to meet your expectations. Case in point, I am very compromising when it comes to my relationship with BD. I accept that our relationship requires me to make many more compromises than are expected of him – namely, my accepting that plans can be altered or cancelled because of scheduling challenges involving his minor-son or that his ex-wife has the ability to pull his attention with the pretense of discussing their son. Make no mistake, I gladly work around a minor; the wife is a somewhat stickier situation – one I’ve tried putting in the right perspective. All said, the challenges of previous entanglements can spell disaster for a relationship, but BD and I have weathered those difficult issues with aplomb. There have been several core issues that I don’t feel I can compromise on and I have been very clear with BD that they are deal breakers for me. First – I cannot and will not live in the shadows for my man. We must live as partners and openly gay soul mates. This means that you will need to come to terms with who you are as a gay man and as my proud lover. You should convey this to your family members and friends alike to insure I am afforded the respect due a spouse. I will not live as your pal, buddy or friend. If that is your intention, you should either a) agree to be platonic buddies or b) find someone who can agree to that type of relationship. Second – I believe that I must hold a position of priority in your life; equal to that of your son. This doesn’t mean that you drop your son or neglect him to afford me time, but it does mean that just as you would answer ANY and ALL calls from your son when he is not with you and are available to him at all times, this priority must be extended to me as well. I don’t want to roll into voicemail during regular evening hours and have my call returned at odd hours (3, 4, 5 a.m.) with messages that you fell asleep and did not hear my calls. I’ve made abundantly clear that these two issues when disregarded serve to diminish me as a partner and heighten my insecurities; repeated incidents that serve as glaring examples of conscious and unconscious missteps have left me worn, anxiety-ridden and disappointed. I believe in second – even third – chances, but when matters can’t be rectified, I have to call to question your commitment to making US work and whether we are positioned to handle much more serious challenges that will arise in our relationship. Where there is no trust – not simply trust that you are being faithful, but trust that you are my ‘ride or die’ partner and it is you and I against the world – then the relationship cannot work. On a more positive note, BD is an amazing man; one that will have no problem finding someone that is better suited to his relationship needs. For me, I prefer being single, than to be turned into a panic-stricken, devalued and frustrated man. I have no doubt that BD and I will be great friends, but to maintain my sanity and the integrity of our friendship, we are officially a WRAP. No deal.
Love. True love does not make you take a backseat – consistently – to flourish. True love will not heighten your negatives traits in its struggle to survive. True love starts with knowing that to be the best you for your partner you have to partner with someone who brings out the best in you and understands what issues can make or break your relationship.
As it relates to relationships, what are some of your deal breakers?
Keep passin’ the open windows…