Thursday, April 23, 2009

Man In the Mirror

These days I’m really disappointed with the man in the mirror. Issues ranging from poor decision making; disregard for my health; and lack of holding myself to a place of priority have all conspired to take my self esteem down a few notches. Let’s start with the poor decision making…Bruce is now a 5-month old, rambunctious Weimaraner. For those of you who don’t know about dogs, Weimaraners are one of the largest of the hunting dogs and they possess an enormous amount of strength, energy and will. Bruce is normal – for purposes of discussing a puppy hunting dog of this size – but I didn’t do enough homework to realize that I am not quite the outdoorsman I initially thought I was. Long story short, the fucking dog is driving me bananas. He is a ball of energy – inside and outside the home; he hunts my Miniature Schnauzer Busta (who is 10-years old!) and he is smart, but strong willed; making him a chore to train. Thankfully, he’s housebroken – albeit a few pee-pee accidents here-and-there. All to say, I think I want to sell the baby while he’s still a baby, rather than wait until I’m letting someone enjoy the fruit of my labor and efforts when he’s a trained adult. A part of me feels guilty and ashamed that I’m failing at this, but the logical side of me screams, “Cut and run now before you invest more time and effort into it!” I’ll keep everyone posted on what I ultimately decide. The second major disappointment is my complete disregard for my health. Since August of last year, I have been waddling down the path of poor eating and no exercise. The new regimen has taken my 5’7” frame from a solid-and-bangin’ 150 lbs. to a whopping 175 lbs. I feel uncomfortable in my clothing and very self conscious naked. Since I pay for an upscale gym membership, I wonder what possible excuse I have for this disaster. Shoot, I even quit smoking in January, so I should be in better health right? Not a chance! The gym starts this weekend, period! The final glimpse at the man in the mirror has revealed my desire to give 100% to my relationship while isolating myself from my friends. My focus is BD and the Minnie – and no one else! What could possibly be the problem with this you ask? Well, here’s what my thinking was…Whether I want to do something or like to do something is secondary to whether my man wants to do something or likes to do something. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, until the pendulum of equal compromise and giving swings awkwardly in one direction and I’m left to feel that my giving is not reciprocated. The kicker is, I can’t really call him selfish…I mean, can we call someone selfish if they simply choose not to act and give of themselves in the same way we choose to do? There’s no pity party here… no one put a gun to my head to force me to do anything. Well, I brought my feelings to BD’s attention – Communication is key, right? – and the reaction was one of defense and diffuse. To be honest, he seemed downright insulted that I could feel this way and bring it to his attention. So who’s fault is it – you’ve got it – the man in the mirror! You see, when you’re thinking of blaming others and pointing fingers – even when you’re posturing to make some accusations – take a trip to that mirror and look really closely. You may find that almost all of your issues where brought about or facilitated by the man staring back’atcha.

On Blast
Failure or experience; When you don’t make the best choices, do you solve them and see the incidents as failures or simply as experiences?

Keep passin’ the open windows…

6 comments:

Lolita said...

Experiences my love..You live and you learn.

Ian a.k.a. Darktomahawk said...

Hey "New York," I'll feel bad if you hafta rid yourself of Bruce. I knwo this ain't an easy decision, so I pray the Creator gives you the wisdom to make the appropriate choice.

As far as the weight issue, BROTHER, I so hear you on that! Read an upcoming post of mine on the smoking and weight thang, it's a bitch! Bull you'll get there. Summer is on the way, right? LOL.

Nobody not really... said...

Sounds like two things are coming into play. (1) You quit smoking, which comes at a cost. First, congrats on doing what millions of people promise themselves annually, but have yet to follow through on. It's probably been tougher in your head, and when that time for a cigarette comes, you have to fill the void with something.

With the dog, I say keep up the good fight. I'm not there personally to see how Bruce is doing, but I think it might be in your head. You have Busta, and his process might've psyched you out. I didn't plan on my puppy growing like this, but she's surely done so. It's my first time, and I got a dog for a reason. Are his rapid growth and activity level deal-breakers? I have to say he looks like a happy (and big!) doggie.

Cocoa Rican said...

I think you're right...
I have to say, I am happy - though tempted daily - that I haven't smoked in 4 months! The weight gain...well, I have to get control of it! Bruce and I are doing better...I've set a few more boundaries and givin' myself some more rest time. We're also enjoying some long walk and runs. I'm praying that it'll get better soon. He is my beautiful baby...thanks!

Ian a.k.a. Darktomahawk said...

Pass some words of wisdom this way brothers and sisters, cause I'm sorely tempted tonight to light one up. Ugh. Unlike Cocoa, it's only been a month for me...

That Dude Right There said...

I've been realizing that even though communication is key, you need to communicate with yourself before communicating with others!!

And as far as the weight and body image goes. I'm in the same boat with you. I'm now at 200lbs up from 185lbs a year ago. But I have to get my eating in order before the gym will become effective.