Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Morning Edition - 10/10/07

BDD and Me
I can’t put my finger on the precise moment when it all started, but for as long as I can remember I’ve suffered from what I now know is BDD. It has been both a painful negative and a driving positive. BDD or Body Dysmorphic Disorder is a preoccupation with a real or imagined physical defect. My BDD is specifically focused on my weight. I’ve always felt that I was too heavy and have lived my life as an obese person. Last year, I began making a point of trying to come away from the torture of never seeing my body for what it is. Next month will be four years since fighting and winning my battle with Anorexia. At my lowest point, I was 118 fragile pounds and remember the horror of hearing my doctor say that my body was in starvation mode and had begun eating muscle to survive. At the time I was working out 6 days a week and eating 500 calories a day. Today, I look at my 5’7”, 155 lb. frame and I remind myself that for a 38-year old man, I’m doing okay. This past weekend I went clothes shopping and was slightly disappointed to find that my waist is holding steady at 29 inches. I felt that all my efforts were in vain. Just as I heard those nightmarish voices beginning to say, “You will never get to where you want to be,” the man in the dressing stall next to mine stepped out of his stall and waited behind me to look in the shared mirror in the hall. He said, “You need to eat. I haven’t seen a size 29 since elementary school.” The voices stopped and I crashed back to reality. I don’t have the option of allowing the voices and I can’t afford to continue the mental beat down. Taking care of me is important, but never feeling good enough is just as bad as not giving a hoot. Heck, I’m a work in progress…there are good days and bad; I just need to be okay with me – inside and out. I’m a strong man, but the person who has always been the cruelest to me, is me.

Love; Can It Just Be Easy?
Love is tricky. To enjoy the greatest love of all you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable. You have to be open enough to let love in and head-over-heels enough to compromise on issues you would normally carve new assholes for. I’m a strong-willed person and with that comes the knee-jerk reaction to jump the gun and say – nah, I’ll pass. It isn’t about that though. I found it odd that the very book I once felt condemned me and my life held the greatest pieces of advice….1 Corinthians, Chapter 13, v. 4-7…
4. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love isn't jealous. It doesn't sing its own praises. It isn't arrogant. 5. It isn't rude. It doesn't think about itself. It isn't irritable. It doesn't keep track of wrongs. 6. It isn't happy when injustice is done, but it is happy with the truth. 7. Love never stops being patient, never stops believing, never stops hoping, never gives up.

On Blast
We all have an inner voice – sometimes more than one. What is the cruelest thing your inner voice has ever said to you?

Keep passin’ the open windows…

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

The cruelest thing my inner voice has repeated to me, is "You can't handle this. You aren't strong enough."

Darius T. Williams said...

The cruelest thing? I can say it on here - people can google these comments.

Mr. Jones said...

Very honest post. Thanks for sharing.

My inner voice always tells me that I'll never been good enough. I'll never been thin enough, successful enough, loved/liked enough, etc. I'm usually really good at achieving goals I set forth, but the fact remains that my inner voice always tells me that I'm not whatever enough to do well.

Anonymous said...

I have reverse BDD...
I look at myself in the mirror and I see this beautiful woman who has overcome so much adversity in her life that she doesn't see the 50lbs she needs to lose. I love every nook and cranny. Every bump and crevise on my thighs. My stretched out stomach, like a canvas. I don't really care what anyone thinks, ask Cocoa, my fat ass wore a bikini on the beach.

The cruelest thing I have ever said was "Tylenol PM is on sale at CVS." Why? Babies Daddy tried to kill himself twice when he got caught lying...the first time I wrestled the bottle away from him and punched him in the stomach to make him throw up whatever he swallowed. The second time, the Psych ward called me to tell me he had actually ingsted an entire bottle. I remember laughing when the Psychiatrist scolded me on the other line...I told him BD was a drama queen who would rather receive pity than respect if it suited his interests. That was a few years ago ... now, why did I throw it all back in his face, do you ask? Well, homeboy raided my checking account. You might as well just kill yourself, BD. You're a fraud. And you stole from your own children.
Yes, it was a cruel thing to say....but isn't it the epitome of cruelty to steal from your own children?

Honesty is the best policy.

Cas608

That Dude Right There said...

My inner voice told me to drive off a bridge. I drove over the inner voice instead.

Soldier said...

My inner voice used to tell me i wasn't cool, wasn't muscular enough, that i'd never make it.... i changed the channel... my inner voice now speaks Arabic... i innocently fall asleep to its sound while not giving a damn about what its saying !

Now i'm on the cover of my school's social activities calendar... so i'm definitely not learning Arabic anytime soon, i'm too cool for that lol

P.s :
wow @ anonymous
lmao @ that dude right there

The Captain said...

You wouldn't believe what my inner voice says...its scary.

Anonymous said...

My inner voice is telling me now that coco rican is a wonderful writer and to thank him for spreading truth and love in blog world. Your ability to express your fears and joys have been a blessing to read and blessing to my life. I can’t wait until you buckle down and write a book, that’s going to be just what the doctor order for us all. Thank you for being a leader and healer with your words.

Eric
respectyourheart@aol.com

Cocoa Rican said...

Wow Eric...that was a beautiful thing to say and a truly warm-hearted sentiment to start my day on. Thanks.

bLaQ~n~MiLD said...

(the 'captains' inner voice)- I know I'm gay but still...

LoL

~Damnit!

Joey Bahamas said...

I can't say what that voice says...it's pretty mean though...especially to other people...

One Man’s Opinion said...

Wow, it took a lot to share that, sir. I love how open and honest everyone is in their blogs. It is refreshing. If we could be as open and honest in our relationships, we'd be perfect. You are a beautiful person, my brother, for what I can see. And I am speaking both inside and out. I know I don't know you, but it takes a beautiful person to share such details of their life. Who knows who you might have touched with that story.

Forge said...

Thanks for sharing your story. By the way...I have no inner voice. I wish I did but the bastard insist on screaming out loud for the world to hear. It's actually quite scary.

WiseYoungMan said...

The cruelest thing was: You don't deserve to be happy...and I believed her.

Ailed LittleKnight said...

I was at a wedding one time for a guy that I knew had a grimy background. I was invited guest of a guest. I found out who it was and I wanted to scream homo at the top of my lungs! I woulda ruined the wedding and probably broken them up. I was quiet. They deserve a shot at happiness, I guessed...

yet another black guy said...

i would never think that YOU would feel that way about yourself. it's very brave to put it out there for the world to see. nothing wrong with working on yourself, just recognize and celebrate the improvements you HAVE made.