BDD and Me
I can’t put my finger on the precise moment when it all started, but for as long as I can remember I’ve suffered from what I now know is BDD. It has been both a painful negative and a driving positive. BDD or Body Dysmorphic Disorder is a preoccupation with a real or imagined physical defect. My BDD is specifically focused on my weight. I’ve always felt that I was too heavy and have lived my life as an obese person. Last year, I began making a point of trying to come away from the torture of never seeing my body for what it is. Next month will be four years since fighting and winning my battle with Anorexia. At my lowest point, I was 118 fragile pounds and remember the horror of hearing my doctor say that my body was in starvation mode and had begun eating muscle to survive. At the time I was working out 6 days a week and eating 500 calories a day. Today, I look at my 5’7”, 155 lb. frame and I remind myself that for a 38-year old man, I’m doing okay. This past weekend I went clothes shopping and was slightly disappointed to find that my waist is holding steady at 29 inches. I felt that all my efforts were in vain. Just as I heard those nightmarish voices beginning to say, “You will never get to where you want to be,” the man in the dressing stall next to mine stepped out of his stall and waited behind me to look in the shared mirror in the hall. He said, “You need to eat. I haven’t seen a size 29 since elementary school.” The voices stopped and I crashed back to reality. I don’t have the option of allowing the voices and I can’t afford to continue the mental beat down. Taking care of me is important, but never feeling good enough is just as bad as not giving a hoot. Heck, I’m a work in progress…there are good days and bad; I just need to be okay with me – inside and out. I’m a strong man, but the person who has always been the cruelest to me, is me.
Love; Can It Just Be Easy?
Love is tricky. To enjoy the greatest love of all you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable. You have to be open enough to let love in and head-over-heels enough to compromise on issues you would normally carve new assholes for. I’m a strong-willed person and with that comes the knee-jerk reaction to jump the gun and say – nah, I’ll pass. It isn’t about that though. I found it odd that the very book I once felt condemned me and my life held the greatest pieces of advice….1 Corinthians, Chapter 13, v. 4-7…
4. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love isn't jealous. It doesn't sing its own praises. It isn't arrogant. 5. It isn't rude. It doesn't think about itself. It isn't irritable. It doesn't keep track of wrongs. 6. It isn't happy when injustice is done, but it is happy with the truth. 7. Love never stops being patient, never stops believing, never stops hoping, never gives up.
We all have an inner voice – sometimes more than one. What is the cruelest thing your inner voice has ever said to you?
Keep passin’ the open windows…