Wednesday, May 06, 2009

I Don’t Know Much, But I Know You Need An Open-Hand Slap

I don’t profess to know it all…shoot, I barely claim to know enough to keep my own relationship from crashing and burning, but I somehow do. I find it amazing that some of the folks that allege to have trouble meeting someone “special” or keeping the flaming embers of a romance burning are also the jack-asses that do some pretty irritating shit. My observations stem from people-watching while traveling to work or simply trying to get through a weekend without catching a case. If you see yourself in any of the following excerpts, there’s still time to change your ways…if not for yourself, please do it for those of us who are tempted to haul-off and kick you to the floor.

Energizer Trap: This person can’t seem to shut their mouth no matter what topic comes up and where they are. It seems like the only thing that is a sure thing is that they will progressively get louder; intensifying their tone and irritating a greater number of people. Strangely, they appear 1) oblivious to those around them 2) defensive about the dirty looks they consistently get from a public held back from kicking their ass by a mere thread of good judgment. ADVICE: Your partner wants to hear your thoughts, but give them a chance to respond and MOST important a moment to hear their own thoughts.

Techno-Of-Solace: This fool wonders why they haven’t been touched by someone in years, but they can’t keep their fingers off their QWERTY keyboard long enough to look up and see the beautiful person waiting to capture their heart. They have a Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, Blogger, Chat and Linked account, but haven’t had a decent date in centuries. See, technology is great, but some of us have lost sight that it isn’t everything. Nothing – NOTHING – nothing, compensates for a human voice, a skin-to-skin touch and the warmth of a smile. While I’m a technology user myself, I find that I disconnect to make time for my man and turn it off when we’re intimate to avoid any interruptions. ADVICE: Technology is the vehicle to get you there and not the destination itself. Don’t allow your vibrant years to be spent making love to a camera.

Anti-Reflector: Some folks appear to have an inability to see themselves – really see themselves – and determine whether they look presentable…notice I said presentable and not good? Invest in a full-length mirror and take the time – EVERY DAY – to look at yourself in that mirror. Both nude and clothed, you should thoroughly look at yourself for no less than 2 minutes each day – FRONT AND BACK – and ask, would I find ME attractive? If you have issues with how you look, what makes you think that others won’t. Adults are taught to be polite and not everyone is a Simon Cowell, so man-up and be prepared to give it to yourself straight. The nude reflection is to check what you need to work on physically and the clothed once-over is to insure you’re not leaving the house looking inappropriate, ridiculous or disheveled. ADVICE: Know that you won’t be attractive to everyone in the street, but give yourself a fair shake by being presentable to yourself on a daily basis.

Prude-ish Hookah: I’m consistently surprised at how times have changed – or maybe how I have changed – and how I don’t think it’s necessary to be such a prude in today’s day-and-age. What happens today will be ancient history tomorrow, so stop wondering whether folks will find some action of yours “out there”. Be forward and go for what you want. Things tend to escape us because we’re afraid of what others will think. Also, it’s 2009 and there isn’t one reason why folks can’t safely have intimacy on the first date or the fiftieth date. It’s all about what you FEEL, not what others – including the prospective suitor – will think. If there’s one thing I’ve learned is that you’ll, more often than not, regret the things you DIDN’T do, rather than those you did. Today your body is bangin’…yes bangin’…and you don’t have the good sense to recognize how wonderful that is. ADVICE: Enjoy that bangin’ body – SAFELY – and you’ll have plenty of time to Ziploc the koochie later in life when less folks want to take a “stab” at it.

There are plenty more pointers, but let’s start with these. Remember that a conclusion is simply where folks got tired of thinking.

On Blast
Keep it real…Can you identify with any of these? If so, which one?

Keep passin’ the open windows…


Anonymous said...

you need your own talk show

Anonymous said...

You should have your own youtube channel!!!

you'll be an overnight sensation!!!
t-shirts and thongs will be sold with your image on them!!!

you'll make millions!!!

Kyon Saucier said...

I like this post.

~Kahlua~ said...

I agree w/ really need a talk show or youtube channel!! Not sure I'd wear a thong w/your image...there's something very wrong w/that image in my mind!! LOL

I can identify most with the techno-of-solace part. A former friend of mine and I would lunch daily at work together, and we socialized often outside the office, but damn if I saw much more than the top of her head because she was always face-down into her damn blackberry texting people or checking mail, personal ads, etc. She did it on dates, in movie theaters, restaurants, while driving and particularly when we would have a chance to converse in person. It was rude and I finally blew my lid one day...I slowly pulled away from this person as she was more interested in who she could talk to on her blackberry than she was with the living-breathing-flesh-and-blood person sitting right in front of her. Needless to say, she's out of my life (you know who i'm talking about). And when I get home from work, when my husband, daughter and I are all under the same roof, my ringer goes off. That is THEIR time...the only other people who might need to reach me in an emergency, know how to do so via our house phone. Great post!!

Ian a.k.a. Darktomahawk said...

My blogging brother, you've just been "tagged" by Darktomahawk!

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