Rant and Fix
The past weekend was filled with enough ho-hum to last me for quite some time. I’m trapped in a feeling of helplessness and restlessness. The combination of the two is likely to have me do something rash to snap out of it, but in the meantime, I’m just plain lost. For the first time in a long time I feel like I’m surrounded by hundreds of folks and still completely alone. This isn’t a cry out for attention or words of encouragement – respectfully, save all of that advice. Right now, it’s a time for me to take a good look at my self and admit a few things:
1. I’m frustrated with my professional life and all the complaining isn’t going to do anything to change that. I get paid a pretty penny to do what I don’t like to do, so you’d think that I can just get paid and shut up, but I can’t. I feel like I’m wasting precious years playing Ohura on Star Trek when I’m suppose to at least be Spock or something…well, you get what I’m saying. I have to make a concerted effort to find something that satisfies my soul while earning my paycheck.
2. Your home is your castle. You should feel comfortable, relaxed and safe where you live. Hell, it’s the advice I give all my friends. So why have I been dragging my feet on finding a new apartment? Maybe I’m hoping that miraculously I’ll wake up and my home-life will be different. Then there’s the complete hatred I have of packing and moving. Finally, there’s the time commitment to finding a decent new apartment. All said, the excuses are played out and it’s time to take action. Caspar will be assisting me on staying on track to find a new place. Target move date: June 1.
3. My love life is a shamble. I’m dating several – well wait, isn’t several three? – Anyway, I’m dating a host of folks and initially it was fun and exciting. Now, it’s an exhausting chore and I’m happier with my making it through yet another date, rather than enjoying the men I’m seeing. What’s the deal? Do I really like anyone I’m seeing? More important, is there a future with any of these guys? Then again, am I looking for a future or long term situation? I don’t know! So it’s time to pump my brakes and take a look at just enjoying the folks I really want to date, dropping the ones I cringe at when there numbers appear across my telephone and asking myself the REAL question – what are you looking for?
4. Finally, it’s time to go back to the posting that began this year and remembering one key resolution – I will enjoy my body and my physique regardless of my size. I’ve been working out for over a year – consistently – and am still being so hard on myself that I’m not acknowledging the success of my efforts. Short of starvation, I’m not likely to drop under 150 lbs. and at 38 this August, I think I’m holding up quite well. Enough already! I really can’t continue getting on my own darn nerves! If I beat myself up for having a cookie or a brownie one more time I’m going to go “white chick” on myself and injure! So, it’s all good… everything in moderation…I will not be 50 wondering why I didn’t accept myself back when.
On Blast
Pick one… give us one thing about yourself you’d like to rant about this Monday. Remember, after you rant about it you have to give us the action plan you’ve thought about to make it better OR you have to end your rant with, “Please help me,” and we’ll jump in and give you our two cents.
Keep passin’ the open windows….
Monday, April 23, 2007
Morning Edition - 4/23/07
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11 comments:
Perfection is NOT in a bottle but, it is in me..... Now, if I can find the dam thing.
Your life sounds like mine...and I'm a procrastinator...but I have to press that button that causes me bite the bullet and get things together in one fell swoop...now if I can only remember where I put it....
Dear Roughridertito and Joey,
Let me talk to you, while the other listen in…your statement reminds me of where I found myself just 3.5 years ago. Oh, I know that feelings oh so well. And, just acknowledging that it is in you is the first signs of manifesting its true potential. Now hold tight, “its gonna to be a bumpy ride”…to satisfaction, self awareness, personal and professional achievements, companionship and Love; and that Love comes with lots great sex, ooh child! But that will be later on down the road. You need to stay focus you still have a lot work to do…now get busy. Life set a great deal of bars for us but it is up to us to set our own; don’t be “no punk”, set realistic bars. Goals with proposes and raise the when you need to be challenged; when you look back you will have surpassed all of societies, (that includes family, friends and Lovers) bars and reached what you may concern your personal goal.
See, I know being old would come in handle one day. Now you found it, scoop it all together and put it back into YOU.
Thank you for allowing me to encourage you while I encourage myself…
– Fred Hammond, “All Things Are Working”
Oh, I'm sorry, that was from me, I'm J'Moo
You and these damn thoughtful questions!!!
For years, I've been struggling with my weight. It has impacted nearly every area in my life. When I came out (gasp) 15 years ago, I was 15 years old, a dancer, with the body to match. Years of clubbing and voguing kept my body in reasonably good shape. After I stopped hanging out, I got a job and my waist expanded.
Now...I find myself eating to deal with everything. I'm frustrated and I eat. I'm sad and I eat. I'm angry..and guess what...I fuckin eat some more. I've had memberships to Bally's, NYHRC, and currently New York Sports Club. Most times, I've gone a couple of times, and cancel the membership, more recently, I've held on to my NYSC membership in the hopes that I can summon the courage to follow through.
I find the gym intimidating because it seems (and I know this isn't true) that people have gotten into shape prior to joining the gym...so I find myself entering the gym looking for the other fatties, so I don't feel alone. One time, I was on a treadmill at Bally's. My girth threatened to shake the machine apart and I glanced over and saw this stick thin girl just doing her thing on the treadmill next to mine. It took everything not to kick her off. The other challenge is that I don't have the desire to enter the shower with my man boobs flapping to and fro for the world to see.
Each year, after a summer of wearing as much clothing I can without literally sweating like a pig, I promise myself that next year will be different. More recently, I've not set any date, but rather try to focus on being healthy in general. Summer is upon me...and I can no longer hide under Pea coats and hoodies. Please help me.
Okay Leniere... since you ended your rant with please help me...here goes...
I know your plight. I have been mentally fat as long as I can remember - I say mentally because no one recognizes my problem MORE than me. That said, I too work out at NYSC and even with my new groin injury and recovery go to the gym as often as 5-6 days a week. I'd be more than happy to partner with you if you think it would help...hey, it's part of the don't talk about it, be about it campaign... Let me know if you're up to it...otherwise, good luck and stay with it...the hardest part is staying committed to it.
You've got a deal. How do we establish contact to arrange date/time.
I tried hittin' you up on your Yahoo off your blog page, but got kicked back...could be that I'm trying from work... I'll try you tonight... also you can hit me up at cocoanyrican@aol.com
For obvious reasons, I don't think my cell number posted on the web would make sense. LOL
I have nothing to rant about at the moment. At least, nothing of any interest to anyone but me.
However if I did ... procrastination would be the devil on my back. Why is it that just doing the damn thing has to be so difficult?
Just doing nothing. My biggest rant is that I do nothing when I want so much out of life, yet and still, I do nothing. Wait..let me clear it up. I'm in a loooooooooong term relationship, friends , family, house purchasing, attractive, smart..yadda, yadda, yadda, on PAPER my life is sweet but like Effie White said, "what about what I want?" See everything is bumping along, only I'm not driving this vehicle.
I should say:
I know what I want, I've even written a plan with steps but there is this fear that kills my motivation....uh let's see....fear that my capabilities are not up to par or something close to that...def. feelings of inadequacy.
Please help me, I'm open to all suggestions.
Well, it’s much easier to give advice than take it, so here’s my take:
First, get on the blog much earlier…this way many more people can give you their two cents…LOL
Second, you have to believe in yourself before anyone really does. There’s no incentive to believe in you when you don’t. Here’s the thing…I’ve found that when I’m feeling in my element and comfortable, I’m unstoppable. I can run with the big dogs, roll with the punches and all that good stuff. People can sense fear and they can sense a lack of confidence. Whether you’re a high school drop out or a nuclear physicist, how you carry yourself means everything.
Third, get the tools and background that will help make you the person you want others to see you as. If it takes a degree or a public speaking class – do it. You’re worth every penny you spend on yourself and there’s no better investment and time commitment than YOU.
Last, know that everyone sits on that toilet – whether that toilet is gold plated or a simple hole in the ground, we all sit and shit through the same hole in our ass. (Well, that’s a direct Spanish saying translated)…but ultimately it means that everyone has insecurities, pluses and minuses. You are not greater or less-than anyone else.
So puff out that chest and do you. Know that you are the shit…ghetto I know, but there’s no “rawer” way to say it. Believe in you and soon you’ll see others do as well. Most important it’s okay to make mistakes, fall on your face and even realize that your chosen path is not for you, but it’s always such a BIG disappointment when the answers aren’t revealed and you live in the relative despair of “what ifs.”
Good luck!
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