Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Evening Edition - 8/6/08

Any Given Tuesday

As many folks know yesterday was my 39th birthday and I planned a sushi lunch with BD and some close friends. It was a minimum-effort and expense event to avoid any grandiose birthday celebration. Quite honestly, I wasn't up for it the pomp-and-circumstance this year. My close friends know I'm not much of a materialistic person

I’ll preface this story with a conversation I had with BD last November regarding Christmas and birthdays. It highlighted how BD considers Christmas a very important holiday - probably the most important gift-giving time of the year. I iterated that I believed Christmas was for children and that it is highly commercialized, but he wouldn't hear of it. He said that Christmas to him and his folks is a production of sorts. It ended with my accepting that you can't change how folks feel about any given holiday and that if this is how he felt, I would need to get on board with making Christmas special for him. Conversely, I mentioned that birthdays are more important to me since it allows me to focus on one person and dole my attention, affection and finances to making that one-day of the year special. The conversation ended with my feeling that it didn't really matter - my man was going to be treated special whether it was Christmas or his birthday.

Fast forward to a month after our discussion - December - and I was a little out-of-sorts and was anxious about buying BD a gift for Christmas. I debated what he would like and opted to shop with him while he picked out gifts for other folks. Call it an act of God - or pure old-fashioned manipulation- but BD saw a bag he really liked at the Coach store and was ready to plop-down his credit card to purchase it. Once at the counter I decided to take-over and purchase this gift for him, since it was obvious it was something that he really wanted. Five months later (May) when my baby's b-day rolled around I found my way to BD’s favorite jewelry store to put a down payment for a diamond ring we both agreed was perfect for him. One month after that the Minnie celebrated a birthday and I was sure to be there for him as well. At no time did I second-guess my choice to get my partner and his baby these gifts.

I have taught myself to be selfless and as the partner with the vehicle I frequently pick-up, drop off and make special trips to make my man comfortable. A few months ago BD's son inappropriately joked "...our personal cab is here!" while sitting in my car. He giggled and was joined by BD for a hearty laugh. It was a hit below the belt for me, since I have all sorts of issues with feeling taken advantage-of and this was waving all kinds-of red flags for me. I didn't address the little one's comment or BD’s reaction to it.

I sent BD an instant message from the office on my birthday afternoon and said that I was feeling a bit melancholy and that maybe we should put-off our little intimate celebration until Thursday night when he could (maybe) stay at my crib. Fifteen minutes later BD responded with one word, "Cool." I was a bit surprised since he never even asked if I was okay and seeing that it was my birthday and he should want to make the night special for me, the question should have been a logical one. At 4:45 p.m., I hit BD up again and said that maybe we should go forward with our birthday-night plans and I'd like to see him to which he replied, "No, Thursday is fine."

BD appeared upset that I had suggested changing my plans of spending my birthday night with him, opting to spend it alone. Seeing him after work changed my mind and I suggested we go forward with our plans to spend my birthday night together. I assumed the issue of changing my mind was history - especially in light that his intention should have been to make this ONE night in the year, a happy one for me. When we reached my house I asked BD to walk the dog while I freshened-up and he said, "No, I'm going to go ahead and get a cab home." Stunned, I said I would drop him near the grocery store, since I would probably just head out and pick up a couple of beers in preparation of my birthday night alone.

All said, I was shocked that BD would leave me alone on my birthday - seemingly out of spite for attempting to change our plans so while driving him home, I simply said, "It's really spiteful of you to leave me alone on my birthday night...the ONE night in the year where you should make every accommodation to insure that I'm okay." His outburst left me speechless, "You love to fucking argue.” From that moment on we silently rode to BD’s crib where I dropped him and he left me with a simple, "Goodnight."

He never called to check if I returned home okay – 24 hours after dropping him off on MY birthday night, he hasn’t so much as said, ‘suck it up sucker.’

I didn't care that BD had NOTHING for me for my birthday - not even the decency of covering my lunch - but when he refused to give me something as basic as his time, it was a slap in the face for me.

On any given Tuesday this situation may have been blown-off as a bad day at the office and an unfortunate event, but on THIS specific Tuesday BD did the unthinkable; he highlighted that I had placed myself in a position of ‘giver’ and was somehow unworthy of being a ‘receiver’; even on such a momentous occasion. It is an error in judgment that he will soon realize has irreconcilable repercussions.

On Blast
In light of my age I can only think of one saying we have in Spanish….Mas sabe el diablo por viejo que por diablo. Translated: The devil knows more because he’s old than because he’s the devil.
What old saying would you say best describes this disastrous event?

Keep passin’ the open windows…


That Dude Right There said...

Something I learned in Barbados said "Why yu fe galang so"? That translates to "why must you behave in such a manner?"

You need to talk to him and see what was going on with him. Even though I don't know him, those reactions just seem strange because I was expecting

kahlualady71 said...

In my opinion, there is no GOOD reason (that he could not/should not have shared) for him to have behaved in such a manner. Perhaps he had something planned, but when he perceived you to "drop your intimate plans" with almost no notice, his feelings were hurt and he reacted badly. The problem with THAT is, it was YOUR birthday he helped to ruin...not HIS. Regardless of his feelings, he had no right to rob you of being made to feel like the loving, giving, nurturing partner you have been to him and the Minnie. Meanwhile, I'll be over here sittin in the corner like Miss Celie waiting to see what's gonna happen next...

I'm so sorry this happened baby...and I wish like HELL I could erase those last 24hours for you. Love you & miss you so much...


Caspar608 said...

My old saying goes something like this...

I am gonna f*&% that mother f*$%^ up sixteen ways till Sunday. Take a long look in the mirror Papi Chulo...he gets all THAT gratis and turns around and acts a f(*&^% fool? WTF kind of madman is running around in his cerebral cortex with scissors at that? All his slick moves, they were once innocent moves...just like my girl Sade said. He is ridiculous. I know how much you love him baby, you know I KNOW. But he needs to kiss your ass in Macy's window at rush hour from this point on, ya dig?

I am so heated over this right now.


Cocoa Rican said...

Thanks folks...but honestly, I'm sooo at peace right now that it's almost odd. My conscience is clear, my heart is str8 and I'm am in a really great place. I've done nothing wrong.

Cas, I know you have my back, but know that your boy is good...really good. More importantly we need to do something just us REALLY soon.

Love y'all...

Caspar608 said...

I think your instincts have been telling you something for a minute...check the posts a few weeks ago. You were sighing for a minute, then you pondered your never ending search for what your purpose is in life based upon prophesy. I say your purpose is to be a light...your instincts are preventing other people from dimming that light. Shine in the dark, boo. Shine : )

I know that feeling. Its almost eery. A sense of peace in the eye of the storm. You know that something is irrepairably broken, yet the weight has been lifted.

You are going to be fine. But I can't sleep either. When you are bothered, my ass is bothered too.

Joey Bahamas said...

My gay mother told me during my birthday celebration that, "A man who doesn't treat your birthday with reverence and celebration is a man not worth marrying." That's the saying I thought of, not to say that this is the course of action you should take. I would never suggest you take such a drastic measure...just answering the question.

I'm like you. Xmas doesn't hold much importance to me, but birthdays should be cherished. If you love someone you celebrate the day that they came into the world and started along the path towards that love. Luv!!


Cocoa Rican said...

Joey, your gay mother spoke wise words and the thought not only crossed my mind, but is at the forefront of my decision to reconsider our future. You know I keep it real and his attitude on such a special day was the icing on a cake that had been long sitting waiting to be frosted. You know your big thug sistah from NYC don't need a kick to the face to see the ya' too shawtee...

jump off JOE said...

Hey Man. Happy belated B’Day. I really enjoy reading your blog.

I’m feeling a little different about this situation than anyone else. Have you considered the role you played in this whole episode? I may have reacted the same way as BD. I think there were perhaps other things at play that you were not privy too as well. Hopefully he will have the opportunity to share them and shed more light on his actions (or lack of).

It appears that he was trying to give you what you wanted – to be alone. All of this of course could have happened without the drama. The B’Day/Christmas thing has been made clear to you. That is who he is. That is what you got. People are different.

Your birthday gesture to him was what you chose to do. That made you happy and I’m sure he appreciated the thoughtfulness. Are you trying to change the way he celebrate and think about occasions and holidays? Some things about him touch you in a good way and now you are discovering the things that don’t. The way forward is continued open dialogue.

Just my thoughts. Again, Happy B’Day and many happy returns.

OLD SAYING: Everything will be OK in the end. If it’s not OK, then it’s not the end.

ShawnQt said...

I hate that feeling... I been there before way more times then I should have. Everyone wants to feel special, and most def from the person that u consider special.

Personally it is a sign, and its hard not to listen to it when it is ringing loud and clear. Question is, what do u do about it?

Darius T. Williams said...

My grandmother always told me, "do what you can for a man, let him enjoy it. If he doesn't do the same for you, it's not his fault."

I'm so glad that you were able to see that you doing what you do/did may have caused his to feel like he's always the receiver. You and I are alike in so many ways. This was really the demise of Jason and I. I'm glad you're at peace with this. You're a fly dude and you've given a lot of yourself. Ask yourself if you're getting the same in return. If not, then you've got some serious thinking to do.

I live vicariously through your raves of your relationship with BD. Keep us updated, please.