Thursday, August 07, 2008

Evening Edition - 8/7/08

Insult to Injury
At his request, I met BD for coffee this morning. When I answered his e-mail and asked if his conversation was urgent and necessitated us meeting during work hours he replied, “Yes.” As we sat at the outdoor benches and I faced BD he immediately started with, “What happened Tuesday?” I looked around confused by his question. I mean, last I remember the man was with me when all the events unfolded, so why was he now asking me what went down? Seeing my disgust, he blurted that he was angry that I could be so confrontational that dreaded birthday evening and was enraged that I could accuse him of spitefully refusing to spend time with me. To spare you the torture of the entire discussion, suffice to say that most sentences he mentioned began with “I…..” or “My son….” or the best one of all, “To call my mother and tell her that I, again, changed my mind and would need her to watch the Minnie would have had me in the middle of a confrontation with her…” So let me get this straight, 1. He believes he had every right to be upset the night of my birthday and placed his anger over celebrating my one special day of the year 2. Although she watches the Minnie on our spontaneous ‘freak-week nights’ he’d like me to accept that his own mother would become confrontational if approached about keeping the kid a few extra hours that fateful night and that he would rather endure a confrontation with me, than his own mother 3. He would also have me believe that although I come second to his son today, as time progresses (and Gosh darn it, it has been over a year of our being serious) he would have me take the leap of faith of living with both him and the Minnie in the hopes of being bestowed with an ‘equal’ status that, depending on the occasion, may grant me priority.

Okay, so I sat in disbelief and wondered to myself, ‘Is dude really listening to himself or is he running his mouth without regard to what comes out of it?’

I sat back, took a deep breath and felt the knot in the pit of my stomach finally relax away. “You’re in luck my friend,” I said, “You won’t have to listen to my ‘fuckin’ arguing’ again because it’s over.” Yes folks, my birthday neglect was the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s worn back. Admittedly, I had some responsibility for the outcome. I had failed to relay the many times I felt slighted, ignored and taken advantage of in the hopes that BD would naturally see what I believed to be obvious – that I care and was giving 100% and therefore, he should do the same. It was a belief in teach-by-example. I was mistaken. Sadly, my attempt to communicate my feelings on Tuesday were met with a tongue lashing about loving to “fucking argue.’

I love BD and contrary to what he believes now, I love the Minnie as well. Going forward I hope we can be friends. True love never dies, but I’m up on my feet again, so the days of allowing BD to trek back and forth over my overextended ass are officially over. On the last post comments ShawnQT asked what should be done? I think I just answered your question bruh.

The moral of the story is simple: To give of yourself never requires to give-up on yourself. Once you relegate yourself to a position of #2 you risk damaging your self esteem and losing respect for the very person you’re trying to accommodate.

On Blast
There are two sides to every story. In light of the special event and what you’ve read, is there any way to justify the choices BD made on Tuesday night? (Yes, Jump-Off Joe…I heard you…. LOL)

Keep passin’ the open windows…


bLaQ~n~MiLD said...

Whooooooooaaaaaaaa... I had to go back and read your previous post that I had neglected reading. Ummm is it really over? Just like that? After all that time, love, and effort put into it? Ya'll still haven't spoken about that night or anything? I mean just a few weeks ago ya'll were fine. I'm a bit taken aback and I really don't know what to say at this point. I feel I may have to take a step back and think about this and further comment later...


Joey Bahamas said...

Wow...I'm giving what blaq is giving right now. Is it really over? What happens if BD sees your point of view?

But, then again it seems as if all of this goes beyond the birthday celebration and to chalk it up to just that diminishes the entirety of your discontent.

I agree with your final assessment. When we relegate our value and the things most important to us secondary we end up in situations that are very dangerous. It's our fault that we've allowed it to happen, but also in our power to stop it from happening as well.

If what you've decided will bring you the greatest happiness in the long-run the choice is a good one. Luv!!


PS NYC is only a $20 bus ride away. Say the word know what it gives!

Darius T. Williams said...

U gotta love Joey, right?

I'm with the others. I'm not surprised it's over though. When I read that you were cool and calm about Tuesday night's events - that meant that you had previous thoughts running through your mind. If this had been the first time something had happened, then I think you'd have reacted differently. But you didn't. You were way too calm, like a bitch in the movies or something. This means that you had resolved some things already.

You've been back and forth with BD. The facts are what they are. He feels the Minnie is more important than you in many ways. He says one thing, but it's obvious that his actions are different. He's not seeing things clearly. I think you've done the right thing. And you're so fucking wise cuz true love NEVER dies - I'm experiencing that right now.

This isn't over though. BD will present himself again in some form or fashion as he's done in the past. I can't wait to see how he does it. More interestingly, I can't wait to see your response...I know it will be classic.

Still living vicariously through you,

Anonymous said...

Can't help but think perhaps you jumped the gun a little in ending things just like that. As you said, you take responsibility that you neglected to express your position on how you've felt taken for granted and taken advantage it your defense mechanism kicking in too soon? Rather than to put the cars on the table and then act on whatever THAT outcome is? Perhaps I'm being selfish and/or biased because I love you so much...but I sooo wanted to see this go so much further for you two baby...and now I find myself grieving a relationship that isn't even MINE. I'mma pray on this tonight...let's talk soon.

Love you forever...


Anonymous said...

I think you made the right choice. You chose YOU. Bravo bro!

True love never dies...BD needs time to grow.

But in your mind, he'll always be your BABY...In your mind, he'll always be your boi... Only time will tell if your HIS baby, but in your mind he'll always be your boi...

Anonymous said...

Cocoa. Wow! As an Anonymous reader of your blog for some time I must say I'm saddened that things went the way they did.

In light of the special event and what I’ve read, in my opinion, BDs wrong.

But I have a question, Is that really what you want?

If it is, fine.

If not, do you throw away a free new 08 Mercedes because two wheels are missing? No, you fix the small, minor, and or major problems (as long as you see your efforts worth it) so that you’ll have a great car or a great love in this case.

Love is not always easy. Sometimes it takes a lot of effort and you get it all back. Sometimes it takes a lot of effort and you get nothing back. Either way while making this effort, let him know what’s on your mind and what your going through. You know men aren’t mind readers.

No disrespect. Cocoa, I’m not by any means trying to tell you how to live your life. You know your relationship better than anyone one else and you know whats best for you.

It’s just that, with love being so hard to find in this life, you don’t want to look back with any regrets. Sure ending it felt right, but is this really what you want? Again. If it is, fine.

Cocoa Rican said...

Well folks, if there's anyone who's in a state of shock and dismay - it's undoubtedly me. Make no mistake, BD is a great man with lots to offer, but in the BIG scheme picture of things, it has been an internal struggle for me to try to work around the things that don't mesh with my soul. Darius, I think you captured it best...and Cas, shoot, you know when I wiped my ass last, so you obviously know how much I wanted this to work.

The Mercedes analogy is very colorful and I definitely feel you on most of your points...BD is certainly a Benz...unfortunately it isn't a couple of tires that are bad with my Benz, it's more like the transmission, the motor and the fine print on my leasing agreement. All said, I've been left on the side of the road too many times and beautiful as the car is and great as it rides when it's moving, it doesn't compensate for the times that I've been left to walk a cold, dark and lonely road to the nearest service station because my shiny fine car won't budge.

All said, I'm so grateful to everyone for pitching-in your opinions. Make no mistake, I take every one of your thoughts to heart and weigh them against my decisions. If I didn't want your opinions, I'd write a personal journal, but throughout the years I've counted on hearing your different perspectives and hold them dear.'s life not a hey ride right? I'm sure you understand that as a mature man my decisions aren't made on some one-time bad experience and that I've fought to make BD and I work for more than a year.

Stand by Blogger Fam! Have a great weekend.

Chet said...

This must be the break-up season. Man it saddens me to hear about your fall-out with BD, the two of you gave the rest of us hope when it came to relationships on a serious note however; I truly understand your mindset at the time when you called it quits.

I do not think BD knew exactly what he was saying during that early meeting on Tuesday, in fact a brotha was malfuctioning. However; the sad part about what he said can never be taken back.

Cocoa Rican you are a very wise young man and your heart is true so there is little or no need to worry things will certainly work out for you.

If the man couldn't or didn't pay homage to you on your special day then you had every right to feel the way you felt, and has for love you will always love him and the Mnnie.

Anonymous said...

NOOOOO!!! I too am a long time anonymous reader and I was really enjoying your relationship with BD.

As a single mother, I can relate with BD as far as keeping the Minnie #1. It is hard because you are always questioning the sincerity of your partner. It's funny how what seems like a perfect fit for you, at the same time is still not "good enough" for your child. I am not saying that you have done anything wrong Uncle Cocoa, I am only expressing one cause of anguish out of many in the lonely world of single parenthood.

As a woman who loves hard when she actually does give in to love, I can totally relate with you. I'm basically going through the very same thing with my man now. I have no qualms being and giving all that my man needs (except cooking, I hate it... but I have been known to give in even to this for him on occasion). It brings me pleasure in knowing that I am pleasing him... but that pleasure can only stretch so far! IT MUST BE RECIPROCATED!!! I know I deserve it, and I think you deserve it as well Uncle Cocoa!

I agree with the others. I don't think this is over, and I will be waiting....

ShawnQt said...

Wow I feel sad all over again...

The calm before the storm is always the most uncomfortable feeling. It is like you know what needs to be done, but you don't want to do it.

The liberating part of this experience is that you HAVE tried everything in your power for this to work. Something about holidays and birthdays that really create turning points in you life, and really evaluate who is around you, and how you want to be.

I feel sad all over again...

Anonymous said...

I feel this way. I KNOW my lifelong friend. I KNOW him well. I KNOW his worth. I KNOW how difficult this life has been for him. And I also know that he has come to a point where he knows EXACTLY what he wants. He is not above a matter of fact, the love he gave to his man and his mans child was COMPROMISE in every aspect of the word. He gives of himself to the point of exhaustion...was it much for him to expect some recognition? Was it much for him to expect just a sliver of gratitude for the day he was born even if old boy had to stroke his ego for a little while? Isn't that the point of being in a loving relationship? Knowing your significant other is there to make you feel better NOT worse? So, maybe he was supposed to ride it out for a few more days? months? years? Nah, mang. My friend shouldn't have to sit another moment being bound by a relationship that only meets him 1/4 of the way. Fuck all that booshit. Settling is not an option for a man as MAGNIFICENT as my brother by choice.

Love is coming back to town for you Cocoa. And when it arrives, it will be ready to give you EVERYTHING you need. Respect, Reciprocity and Recognition.

You go boi!!! You know how much I love you. You know how proud I am of you. Its coming around again, just like the song.

Don't make me hit the block and drag you out of the house via the ground floor window this weekend please. : )

Anonymous said...

I Like what Common said "He had to go so you can go what what you stopping him for, find heaven in yourself and God". It is so often in male relationships that its one-sided one giving more than the other. I think its a relief you are too beautiful of a person to be taken advantage of, alot of men want to be kept and play upon the emotions of another man. In a relationship you put your partner first then the children, if you could make accomidations for him he could have done the same. HIS LOSS