Thursday, February 26, 2009

Dear Fair Maiden; Least Favorite Female Things

When I get physically worn and the fuse gets short, it’s the little things that have the potential to land me in jail facing assault-and-battery charges along with reprising my title of angry-Boricua. This post is dedicated to the lady-folk. Once I start giving details, you may find yourself identified in this post. If the items ring true, do something about it. The life you save – and the face you save, for that matter – may be your own:
1. Pretty Girl-Ugly ‘Tude: Your mommy, daddy and every horny man in your neighborhood may have told you that you are PHAT (pretty hot and tempting), but seriously, you’re nothing but another lady capable of getting shaken – HARD – for thinking your looks give you a free pass to ignore good manners and decorum. You – like your ugly-bitch brethren – must use the words: please, excuse me, may I, etc. You are especially in danger of getting stomped by fellow ladies and gay men who could care less how pretty you believe you look today. To be safe, save the rude, spoiled-girl antics until you are clear you’re dealing with a testosterone-drunk straight man that is probably deaf and dumb to your ignorant ass and simply is looking at you as a woman with her knees as ear muffs.
2. Helen Keller Hair/Nail Syndrome: Everyone has to find their sense of style and what works for them. Long hair may have been in last year, but this year, your added weight is making you look like a shuffling Cousin It. Take a moment to: a) Keep your hair CLEAN, neat and appropriate. Notice that the word CLEAN is capitalized. I’m tired of seeing Latina women leaning back near my face on the train, with the greasiest hair since Travolta met Olivia Newton John. Black women, you’re not exempt either – locks are out, dead, done! You must – MUST – wash (or get your hair washed) at least once every two weeks. Heads sweat and whether you have become immune to the odor or not – WE SMELL IT! …so you want to go natural? Then chop that wool down and wear it short and neat, but be sure that you have a pretty face – otherwise you’re destined to look like Tracy Jordan from 30 Rock. Dirty, chewed and uneven (not filed) nails are unacceptable in women (gay or straight).
3. Girdlewear Couture: You haven’t been thin in years – and no one is asking you to be – but stop thinking that wearing leggings, tights and tourniquet-fitted jeans are giving you the slim effect. The squeezing items are actually giving you the tied-sausage look – one every BIG girl should avoid. Wear clothing that is appropriately fitted and offers adequate coverage. Highlight only areas that truly compliment your figure – nice breast, pretty legs, etc. Your midsection – if you have several waistlines – should NEVER be exposed.
4. Endangered Hags: Savvy women have long recognized that gay men make the BEST friend a girl can have. Assuming you have the right ‘gay’ you will enjoy a man’s prospective, a FIERCE sense of style and the truest, realest opinion available. You also get a package you enjoy looking at and feel an odd attraction to. If you don’t think you’re ‘gay’ is attractive, drop’em. You should only be a hag to a gay that makes your back-up baby daddy list. If he wouldn’t go on that list, he should be on the BFF list either. …but seriously, hags are becoming an endangered species. ‘Gays’ are finding that it’s easier to have ‘like-minded/like-interest’ individuals in their tight-knit circle. This means that a respectful, handsome, fun and funny gay is the new fag-hag. Ladies, don’t allow yourself to go out with the Wooly Mammoth, be relevant, don’t be high-maintenance and demanding with your ‘gay’ and definitely don’t insist on dragging your ‘gay’ to stuffy straight events for your benefit.
5. Kill-the-Damsel: Women like those characters portrayed by ball-bustin’ Angelina Jolie – Mrs. Smith, Lara Croft, Fox – are what’s in and happening. Men – even gay men – love a girly-girl that knows how to handle her business. Don’t be a needy hookah that needs picture frames mounted or jackets thrown over puddles for her passing. Keep it together, be beautiful, be strong, but don’t cross the line to #1 of this list. Make men – including gay men – want to be around you, not feel that they need to be around you to insure your safety.

So there you have it; my five (5) mouthfuls to vent and help diffuse the felon that, just this morning, was ready to grab a handful of weave and bury a wench suffering from #1 & #3 into the buffet bagel and lox concoction.

On Blast
Be honest…what pet peeve do you wish you could make your girlfriends aware of without hurting their feelings?

Keep passin’ the open windows…


Mr. Jones said...

LMAOOOOOOO. I simply can not take you and your antics.

"The squeezing items are actually giving you the tied-sausage look – one every BIG girl should avoid."

**packs bags and moves to Tijuana**

bLaQ~n~MiLD said...

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! I fukin love it Cocoa! I'm bout to forward the link for your blog to my FH. ROTF!!!


Anonymous said...

I agree Cocoa, these women who think that they are the bomb sporting their youngest child's shirt and skirt need to not only check themselves ins a mirror without cracks but ask the opinion of a respectable man. My sister went to a party this past weekend and she and her boyfriend had to leave because they couldn't believe how the women were dressing when their weight rivival that of a small truck.

rough rider

Anonymous said...

ahhhhhhhhhhh shit. CR is checking them hags like bags at the airport.

how bout the playa hatin bitches (male and female) at the office that hate on you because they are so mad you get away with 187 while they live eat shit and breathe fear because their bosses might reject them; while yours boss has stated he would have to be killed before you were fired...

yeah boy. I got it like that and bitches HATE. Hate heavy, hate hard. Then they get fired. While I work from home tending to my sick chirrens.

Hatin ass hatin bitches was not on your list. Hate is bad for complexions. Word up.

Keisha Kornbread said...

You have me over here SCREAMING at 300am. My neighbors are going to GET you!!

Joey Bahamas said...

You went in Unc!!!!!! I got rid of my hag...she was flaky and needy. I couldn't see putting up with that for very long. I gave her the gift of goodbye...


Toy said...

I would like to find a way to tell a very close friend of mine that she is no longer a size 10 but a size 14 but she has self confidence issues and I don't want to hurt her feelings. The jelly roll under the tight tees and lowrise jeans is upsetting!

Tiffanie said...

I want to copy and paste your entire list and add it to my blog. Nah, phuck that. I want to copy and paste this joint into PowerPoint, place some fancy borders around it and insert all of the animated arrows, sliding titles, and hand claps, then hold an open house. Ha!

Hmm, the pet peeve I'd like my friends to be aware of is their lack of authenticity. I'm rarely phony...and especially not with my girls. Sadly, a few of them lack the "keep it real" mentality.

Anonymous said...

Stretch pants are NO ONE's friend!