Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Dear Bobby

So much has happened in the last few months! BD and I moved-in together at the end of December – three days after Christmas to be exact! It was stressful as hell. I tried remembering my previous move and I think you didn’t help me on that one either! Hmmm….could it be that death wasn’t the only thing preventing you from helping me move all along?! I know..I know…bad joke, but it’s how I’ve been coping with you being gone. Clent and I call each other and ask each other if we’ve spoken to you. Depending on which of us asks, the other will go into this long discussion about how we spoke to you, “…just the other night…” and give a great story of what we chatted about with you. Sick huh? It’s our joke/wishful thinking to keep us from crying about you constantly. You know me…sick sense of humor to mask the pain. Anyway, the new crib is going really well. BD, the Minnie and I are living the happily-ever-after and we’re quite the postcard for SGL family living. I’m cooking dinner for the family every night – and they are still living – and you would be proud of my being able to fix BIG meals. I still remember you being angry that I burned pots boiling water back in the day. As an aside, I miss your fried chicken…nobody fries some chicken like you. On a depressing note, Al isn’t doing too well and I don’t know what to do. After you passed, his already worn and disheveled appearance got worse. Folks that see him more regularly than I do have mentioned to me that he looks really bad. I can’t bear to hang with him – shoot, I don’t hang much at all really – but the thought of having another inner-circle friend racing toward his end has alienated me from him. I know…unfair. Then again, you know you were the buffer between Al and I and he and I can find many a reason to get into silly catfights. He seems to think that I’m spoiled…go figure. I see Slugger for special occasions and he looks great. He’s my faithful buddy and I love him for that. Strangely, when you and I fell out, Slugger took the reigns to be my everywhere buddy. No matter where I went or what I did, I had Slugger by my side. I kind of feel disconnected to only see him two-three times a year now. Herby is doing great…you know our Herby. He’s nuts, he’s beautiful, he’s funny and he’s me without the restraint of good sense…LOL Well, I celebrated a year off of the cigarettes – I know you begged me for years to quit, but you know I never listened to you bitch...lol...and I have started hitting the gym daily to get my weight back in order. Yeah, I’m still battling a demon you never felt I should even entertain. Well, I almost want to say that I hope everything is going well…and really, since I don’t know for certain what happens once we leave our earthly bodies, I hope you’re able to see me…to hear me…to know that I think about you everyday. Somehow, someway, someone reminds me of you and I smile through the tears that glaze over my eyes. I’ll write to you again soon!

On Blast
How have you changed the way you live today because of the loss of a loved one?

Keep passin’ the open windows…

4 comments:

Kyon Saucier said...

This was really sweet. A very heartfelt and very real post thank you for sharing. And my condolensces on your loss he sounds like he was a wonderful friend.

~Kahlua~ said...

Beautiful post Cocoa. Nearly 5 years ago, my family suffered the start of a devastating domino-effect of losing five of its elder members in the span of 2 years' time. My 2 uncle and father within 3 months of each other, a year later, my two aunts one month apart, another uncle the next year and my big brother just this past fall. My father and brother's passing were the most devastating for me, but I have the peace of knowing that our last conversations were good ones, that everything that had needed saying was said, all acts were done. I miss them terribly and maybe you've inspired me to use this letter-writing as a tool to work thru the never-ending grief. That said, without sounding cliche, I live my life making sure that the people I love, KNOW that I love them; to not hold onto grudges or ill feelings for more than 24hours--I pick my battles. We don't know how much time we're gonna have and I, for one, do not wish the "what ifs" on anyone.

Cocoa Rican said...

Thanks Kyon/Kahlua...
Bobby was one of my very best friends. Words can't really describe the loss and I have frequently thoughts that maybe his death didn't really happen and it's just a bad dream. Sadly, it happened and I miss him terribly. So, I've given myself these letters as a way to say what I wish I could to a friend who lives on forever in my heart.

Tim said...

My brotha, I know I'm WAY late on this post, but you and I both know that he's up there, smiling down on you.

Stay Blessed.