Friday, February 16, 2007

Morning Edition - 2/16/07

Puerto Rican Idol; Season 1
I now realize I’m the Simon Cowell of dating and last night my open audition with MakeItUrOme had me breaking the brotha down and giving him the, “You’re pathetic and this is the end of the road for you. You will not be going on.” My friends have repeatedly told me that I need to go easier on brothas and be more flexible. Unfortunately, I can’t master that theory and feel that some qualities – like actual talent and knowing your lyrics on Idol – cannot be compromised. After meeting MakeItUrOme (MIUO) last week we’ve chatted on the phone everyday, finally making arrangements to meet last night. I tend to work late and mentioned we should meet at 8 p.m. He quickly said, “Can we make it at 7:30, cuz I really want to see you?” I said we’d play it by ear, but I’d do what I could to accommodate him. Well, I left work at five on the nose and rushed home to shave and freshen up. By seven I was so-fresh-and-so-clean and took the time to lotion and fragrance every nook-and-cranny that could possibly be closely inspected during my date. At 7:30 I called MIUO to see where we stood on his audition and he agreed to call me back since he was on the line with his Jamaica-based mom. At 8:30, he returns my call and says he’s getting in the shower and would call when he was on his way. At 9:30 he calls to say he’s leaving his apartment, but wondered if I had a number to a cab. At 10:20 he says he’s standing outside my apartment and could I let him in. ::::FLAMES ON THE SIDE OF MY FACE, BURNING, SEETHING…:::::: I let him in and he immediately gives me a tight hug and says he’s happy to see me. My face, on the other hand, was giving that, “I will call INS on your late ass if you don’t have a good excuse for this bull…” Long story short, the excuse didn’t seem acceptable – see, a phone call to your mom, initiated by you, that delays your getting ready on a night when you have a date, is asinine. So we’re drinking some wine and he’s rubbing my feet – no, I didn’t get over it, but I don’t turn down foot rubs – he says, “I really like you, so what do I have to do to be sure I can do this more often.” I felt my neck get really tight and my eyebrows scrunch up before I began to speak. “Do you really want to know,” I quizzed. “Absolutely,” he chimed-in.”
::::: To quote from X-Men’s Storm, “HOLD ON TO SOMETHING!::::::::
First, you need to arrive on time – especially to a first date. Second, you need to make an effort to call when that is not going to happen. Third, this won’t happen again because I am a stickler for time and will not wait beyond 15 minutes. He sat there, a nervous smile on his face and said, “I’m really sorry, I had no idea. I promise it won’t happen again.” “Yeah, it won’t,” I said; a sarcastic smirk gracing my icy gaze. Fortunately for him, I’ve been celibate for over two months and his throbbing manhood was pushing up against my calves. So, the id won against the ego and after some feverish petting on my sofa, we retreated to my bedroom where he would actually make-up for being late. In the body category – the man is thick, hefty, and solid and an even dark-skin that looks velvety. His lips are like Angelina Jolie after a marathon collagen injection session. The two glaring issues were – performance and equipment discrepancies and the inability to recognize the contrast between our builds. To clarify the first issue, although the man is long-winded, he has no finesse. He struggled to find his rhythm and became intimidated when I took control. Further, little MIUO is smaller than I imagined. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not a size queen, but when you have your own equipment to compare against, brothas that were gypped at birth stand-out as glaring examples of natures sense of humor. I believe his excitement led him to begin manhandling me and contrary to what my body may look like or what you think of when you believe someone works out, I am NOT flexible enough to hold my legs lifted, pushed back and over my head, the balls of my feet held flat to the wall behind my headboard while you attempt to treat me like a $12 all you can eat buffet. Ummm pa, you’re the 25 year old… I was a teen when you were born! I was then flipped upside down to a handstand, while he supported only one of my ankles – his other hand was occupied – and I perilously struggled to hold the other leg in a dancer’s point to avoid toppling or flexing. After enduring the contortion exercises, I decided it was time to teach this man what Ricans are made of. Ninety minutes and two hot wash cloths later and he was snoring so loud I wasn’t able to sleep. This morning as we parted at the train station he asked if he could see me this weekend. “I’m sorry, but you’re not through to the next round,” I said. He laughed nervously and I sped-up to go through the turnstile. I never turned around again. Where’s Ryan Seacrest when you need him?

On Blast
Have you ever been more turned on by what you’re doing to your partner rather than what they look like or how they feel?

Keep passin’ the open windows…

6 comments:

donya said...

ok that was hilarious!!!!!!

KRISALMIGHTY said...

ALL I CAN SAY IS "THANK GAWD" UR OFF THAT CELEBACY KICK. IT GETS BETTER WHEN YOU FIND SOMEONE YOU CONNECT WITH. WHEN IS THE NEXT AUDITION??..LOL

Tammy said...

Oh My Goodness Hector you are Stoopid. LMAO!!! a $12 buffet?! whew! oh and the on the blast question. oftentimes i get more enjoyment out of what i am doing to my partner and his reaction...turns me on!!

KahluaLoverInVa said...

omg hector I am tryin not to scream my laughter at 7am on a saturday...chile you are a hot mess but I love you. Trying to erase the handstand and bendable pose images from my head...hopefully they'll be gone by the time I see you again! Congrats on the 2 months though...bet you're wishing you'd gone for three. LOL

j_shanlin said...

he had a bad day, he taken one down, he sang a sad song just to turn it around...lmao!!! I'da been like, "Dog, it just wasn't good man. It's a no. Paula?" Too funny!!!

That Dude Right There said...

Handstand? Wha? What? The last man that tried that with me got kicked in the jaw (by accident of course).

But all in all, even though the overall sex wasn't good, did it FEEL good?