Cheese, Wine & Icons; 2009 AMA Review

Last night's 2009 American Music Awards was quite the spectacle. With so many former heavy hitters performing, the event was as touted as momentous as the second coming of Jesus. Janet Jackson, Jennifer Lopez and Whitney Houston - the list of performers seemed ripped from years passed...but then the show started...

Janet Jackson...now securely in her 40s, Janet has packed on a few pounds and shed her sense of style. Although her tribute performance a few months ago showed her wearing more appropriate gear, last night’s AMA get-up had a pudgier Janet running around in what looked like saggy ill-fitted sweats and a full (meaning fully-used) diaper. It was clearly Janet's last time being asked to open a big award show. Before the hateful banter begins, let me be clear that I love Janet; I love the confidence she showed during her recent Robin Roberts’ interview; but am realistic about Janet’s future as a lock-pop-and-drop dance icon.

Jennifer Lopez...my Boricua girl from the block always has her swagger. She started her performance like a prize fighter, making her way to the ring (ahem…stage) J-Lo looked confident and ready for the world. Once she removed the boxing robe, many of us expected a sexy Lopez sporting the new svelte physique. Instead we were treated to dumpy boxer shorts and unflattering flat boxing boots. Then La Lopez did the unthinkable – and for a dancer with her experience, the moronic. She climbed, ala stairway to heaven, up her sweaty backed dancers and once at the top of the human stairwell, she looked down with apparent trepidation and she jumped up into the air landing squarely on her flat and wet-bottomed feet. With the sweat covering the bottom of her flats J-Lo saw her feet slip from under her like a little boy skipping stones across a pond. Her hard bounce off her legendary ass was captured for (dare I say) posterity. Although she recovered nicely and followed up with an onstage wardrobe and shoe change, we only remember her gelatinous gluteus hittin' the ground – hard. J-Lo will need to rethink both her feet leaving any stage and with her new thighs to match her rump, let me be your Coqui paisano to tell you, NO MORE FLATS IN PUBLIC. Save the chanclas for the house ma!

Whitney Houston...Her return to the stage is a prayer answered for many of us. Those of us who remember her meteoric rise to the top have nothing but love for our Jersey girl. When we saw early pics of a recovering Whitney, recapturing some of the luster we remembered, we sighed and thanked the Lord for bringing her through. Now, that that’s out of the way, I have a follow-up request Lord, “Please give her back her voice, her shape or the good sense to sit her behind down after this last hurrah.” Look, we can all think it, but one of us needs to say it. She reminds me of Keyshia Cole’s recovering addict mom. You’ve dressed her up and we can see the Whitney of years passed hiding somewhere in there, but it’s almost like a drag-performance. Like the real Whitney is never coming back. So, in the vein of keepin’ it real….I love Whitney Houston. I love that she’s recovering and is blessed with a come-back that shows how much we’ve missed her and wish her well, but it doesn’t mean that this is going to work long term. We are now looking at Whitney following in the vocal footsteps of her famous cousin Dionne. The voice was there back in the day. You are legend. It is gone. Please let us remember you as you were and this final beautiful comeback. To answer Whitney’s question of years ago, “How will I know?”….BECAUSE WE WILL TELL YOU.

Honorable mentions this AMA include Mary J. Blige looking like a housewife from Atlanta, Adam Lambert giving America the finger – I’m not the American Idol, but who’s laughing now bitches?! And of course don’t think you got away with that dry ass awkward performance Shakira…hips don’t lie…you can’t really dance mamita!

The AMA’s were worth watching this year because they highlighted that wine, cheese and icons all age, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they suddenly become a more expensive, quality-driven rarity. Sometimes, it just means they can make you sick.

Keep passin’ the open windows…