Sunday, September 14, 2008

Tapando El Sol Con La Mano

Tapando El Sol Con La Mano
Often in life I have to smile to myself how many of the sayings I heard throughout my childhood come back to mean so much in my adult life. Most recently, I’ve thought about the saying, “Tapando el sol con la mano.” Basically, it means to “Cover the sun with your hand.” In short, it’s meant to say that sometimes we act as though just because we’ve placed our hand between our line of vision and the sun, somehow, the sun has disappeared. Well, I have to be honest and say that I feel as though I’m doing this. Seeing BD go through pain following our break-up has me forgoing my own pain and better judgment. My main concern has turned from being the disappointed and dejected ex to the comforting friend; desperate to have my best friend feel better. Ultimately, I question whether he feels much better and consequently, whether I’m kicking myself in the ribs taking on such a feat. Break-ups are difficult and can seem devastating to the parties in the midst of them, but trying to actively take on the role of ex and counseling friend is somewhat of an oxymoron. I mean, how do you really counsel your best friend regarding yourself? How do you give words of encouragement that will help your friend, if the same words need to diminish you as the ex? As we attended my sister’s housewarming party yesterday and I found myself weaving BD and the Minnie into the fiber that is my family and close friends, I wondered if I was creating havoc and damaging my best friend further. BD’s outburst last week, where he feared our friendship would change once either of us meets someone new, is a real one. I suspect BD and the Minnie would not have been a part of yesterday’s festivities if I had a new partner or prospective partner. What does this say about our friendship? Am I not an enabler by allowing us to continue this commitment-less partnership to continue and slapping the label of “best friends” on it? Who is this charade benefiting? Don’t get me wrong, I know that BD and I love each other, but it is this very love that begs a separation to scab over and heal to allow us to be true friends. Right now we’re simply lying to each other if we don’t admit that our friendship is short term comfort to a long term pain. I’ll be the first to cop to the reality that not having BD there is scary, but I can’t have my cake and eat it too. Although I believe BD recognizes what led to my decision to end our relationship, I believe he hasn’t quite found a way to either remedy those issues OR (and I respect this) doesn’t feel he needs to make changes to these facets of his life. In the end, if we will be friends – real friends – it will take disconnecting from each other; making ourselves whole again; and coming together as individuals offering a friendship that isn’t tainted with ulterior motives. Anything short of this is simply, “Tapando el sol con la mano.”

On Blast
What pitfalls have you experienced in your quest to transition your ex into your friend?

Keep passin’ the open windows…


KennonP said...

I think you are right, it take time. I've just recently started speaking to an ex from 3 years ago. It just took time, now we can talk about anything. Time apart is needed for perspective and self reflection.

But if one party wants more than friendship and the other does not, it just wont work.

The Black Russian said...

The pitfalls i have had was with my friend who I always had feelings for we started dating but it didn't work and he isn't the same person i thought he was... we are cool now but I dont look at him the same way.. I should of just stayed his friend in the 1st place...

Anonymous said...

hmmmm ... my ex stole from me, sat around, was a lousy example to his own children and played disappearing acts.

When I threw his ass out for the last time, he never returned. The charade was ova.

Joey Bahamas said...

Yeah...too many challenges. I don't try it anymore. I've been lied to and used...kinda sucks. But,. I'm over it!


Anonymous said...

I have some experience in this arena as quite a few of my exes are now friends (one even considered a best friend) but I will say that this was possible because I broke up with them. It was me who ultimately realized that they were not the man I wanted to spend a life with. So it was much easier for me to adapt to the new dynamics of a relationship turned friendship.

On the other side of it, it took most of them years to get to a legitimate place of friendship with me because it's hard to just be friends with someone you're in love with especially once they've started dating again.

I will add tho that the one man I loved "liked that" is the one that no matter how many times we break up we do get back together. My advice would be to decide if you foresee making a life with BD and, if you do, then just get back with him but make your grievances crystal clear and allow him the same opportunity. However, if you don't want this relationship, you MUST take time away from one another. Cut ties until it's safe to test the waters again. I would say at least a year. It's the only way to establish the appropriate boundaries that will enable you two to be friends later.

Achilles said...

I believe that "outburst" was reality setting in for me. Deep down I know that right now what we have is great(short term), but in the long-run, things will indeed have to change one way or the other.

yet another black guy said...

my comments are along the lines of all those previously mentioned. You're going to have to have some distance from each other to heal. Plus, i can only imagine how difficult it might be to start dating someone else while still maintaining a civil relationship with BD.

I think you need to let him handle the break up in his own way away from you, because hell, you need to deal with it too.

That Dude Right There said...

Sweety, Dreads and I have been "friends" since the 6, almost 7 years that we have been broken up.

New Years 08 was spent with him. We've taken trips together since then. We've had sex several times since then. We've said the "L" word probably hundreds of times.

We've had that commitless relationship that you spoke of and it most likely won't end until we are back together.

I feel the same for you and BD. Why? Because there is a connection that you 2 have that no one can come between. Just like Dreads and I.

I think you just inspired a post.