Sunday, September 07, 2008

Evening Edition - 9/7/08


To Thine Own Self…
Even when break-ups happen under bad circumstances the parties normally have trouble disconnecting and making a clean amputation. BD and I didn’t break-up over, what many would consider, ‘dirty’ reasons. Ours is a simple case of finding we’re operating at different places in our development; my having issues with his ability to be intuitive to our needs and standing up for them; and the reality that a couple with children from previous relationships has to consistently communicate to insure a strong family unit that respects all parties. These aren’t issues I take lightly and throughout our courtship I attempted to steer BD – whether through advice or example – to make the choices that would give our relationship a fighting chance. Ultimately, you can lead a blind horse to pasture, but you can’t make that equine eat, right? Many surmised that because I could make such a definitive decision, that it meant I didn’t love BD or felt no pain ending our relationship. They couldn’t be further from the truth. It has been a debilitating time for me. I haven’t seen the gym in a month, have smoked more than a Minneapolis chimney in winter and can’t get passed the exhaustion I feel three hours after my day begins. So I took a step back and asked myself if I was doing the right thing. The answer is as clear as it was the day I made it, “yes.” You see, if you really love someone – and I do love BD – you do what’s right for the relationship. Remaining in a relationship that frustrates you and goes against your core beliefs is a mistake. BD is a great man – my very best friend really – but that all important facet of our relationship would have been eventually compromised had I negated how the relationship began to make me feel devalued. BD is in the midst of a lot of growth right now – learning who he is and hopefully, learning how to take control of his life. They say ‘never say never’ to any possibility. I am more of a realist and I have difficulty seeing any possibility of reconciliation. I do, however, see that I have lessons I can take from this relationship too; To never relinquish my power and most important to follow my old mantra of, ‘To thine own self be true.’ Last night after returning from hangin’ with my boyz, I sent BD a text and remarkably he was still up. Tipsy and speaking a sober mind we chatted for a quick minute before I offered that he call me. We spoke for a few minutes and he mentioned that he hasn’t slept well in over a month. I offered to have him come over and maybe enjoy a few hours of restful sleep that would comfort both of us. Needless to say he came over and having him cuddle-up next to me was right as rain. We awoke to a tenderness that soothed my soul – and yes, the body was weak as hell too. Later, as I fixed us some tasty scrambled egg sandwiches I mentioned to BD that this was not the norm and that it wouldn’t help our budding friendship to engage in any physical intimacy. We both agreed that we really needed this and that the beauty of being grown men is that there are no rules. We need to set healthy boundaries. I’m aware that to grow past our intimacy and share an honest friendship, we have to refrain from saying one thing and living another. Actions do speak louder than words. All said, it was great to hold him in my arms and feel his so familiar warmth in my chest. Love takes time to heal when you hurt so much…well, that’s what Mariah said.

On Blast
I don’t believe in using alcohol as an excuse to do or say anything that is in your heart to do anyway. Tell of an instance when you feel alcohol impacted the choices you’ve made.

Keep passin’ the open windows…

15 comments:

Caspar608 said...

If all things in time, time will reveal, my dear friend, BD is THE ONE. Give him some time : )

I have faith in you both. I am not a big fan of anyone who causes you pain or makes you feel weak and devalued...but this man...I just get a good feeling about him.

I may have said some harsh things out of frustration in my attenpt to shield your heart. You know how it is with your real homies...they do whatever it takes to get you through : ) I believe you are worthy of perfect, everlasting, unconditional love.

You're almost there boo. Keep the faith : )

Cocoa Rican said...

It's a very hard time. Head and heart in a vicious war to insure my common goal - happiness.
Like I said Cas, I'll never say never, but I don't ever want to hurt him further by giving him hope when I'm not okay with where we are and can't see a future in our present state. Either way, we're best of friends.

Caspar608 said...

Thats when you know the love is real...when two people can remain friends and be - at the very least - civil to each other post mortem...

I mean, look at you and my sister. OK, that was a bad example, but, then again, maybe not ; )

I know its a hard time...but look at the bright side!!! The love is still there : )

So, I am going to go and beat my kids now, because they are making too much noise. Actions speak louder then words sometimes...

Joey Bahamas said...

CH...lol...when doesn't it. I've read, loved and almost cried under the influence. But, those were in my younger years. Honestly, when people say and do things under the influence it's never involuntary. I've had enough experience to know. Luv!!!

One Man’s Opinion said...

I just have to say that this post made me sad. Yes, of course I agree with everything you said whole heartedly, but that does not stop me from being sad. I don't know why, but when relationships end, it makes me sad. So, you can probably imagine the type of basket case I become when a relationship I am in breaks up.

Anyway, I can't believe I am so behind that I did not know that you two good men had broken up. It seems like just yesterday that I was reading an endearing story of the love and fun that you two share. I am sure that love and fun will continue, at least I hope so; only on a different level.

That being said....Why is your ass naked?

Cocoa Rican said...

Cas...think we're going to have to let go and let God on this one.

Joey...ain't that the truth...Lawd knows I've had my instances of alcohol related incidences.

One Man...yeah, it really is sad with BD and I.
...and I'm naked in a very artistic way...and the pic is sort of distorted, how did you figure it was me? LOL

M-Dubb said...

"Remaining in a relationship that frustrates you and goes against your core beliefs is a mistake."

You said a mouthful right there.

The first time alcohol took control of my "intentions" was when... you'll have to e-mail me off the blog to get that one. It was recent tho.

M-Dubb said...

And have you been to my new home yet?

dubb-land.blogspot.com

The housewarming is going on without you...

Cocoa Rican said...

Having a housewarming without Cocoa is like having Hershey's without the nuts...it's good, but you feel like the best part is missing...LOL

The Black Russian said...

great blog... sometimes u need to let things go and if it comes back that's how u know- Christina said that lol... anyways sometimes u need to be on the same path as a person and common goals so things can work out.... but its great that you two are best friends

Caspar608 said...

You're right. FCUK all that booshit.

You DESERVE to be happy.

One Man’s Opinion said...

Yes, Cocoa, it is artistic and the reason I knew I was you is because I've send you naked before. Shhhh, you promised not to tell.

Curio said...

I have to admit, I have gone home with someone I'd normally would have no interest in after drinking to much.

yet another black guy said...

alcohol just shuts the inhibitors off, that's why i had to leave it alone. the same thing i think you need to do with BD. he became your best friend due to the openness that you two had via the relationship and not the other way around.

Tiffanie said...

What's that saying, "A drunk man's thoughts are a sober man's actions." I think it's true, most of the time and it sucks!

I can't recall anything that I've said, per se, but I can be a drunk kisser, LOL.