Sunday, September 07, 2008
Evening Edition - 9/7/08
To Thine Own Self…
Even when break-ups happen under bad circumstances the parties normally have trouble disconnecting and making a clean amputation. BD and I didn’t break-up over, what many would consider, ‘dirty’ reasons. Ours is a simple case of finding we’re operating at different places in our development; my having issues with his ability to be intuitive to our needs and standing up for them; and the reality that a couple with children from previous relationships has to consistently communicate to insure a strong family unit that respects all parties. These aren’t issues I take lightly and throughout our courtship I attempted to steer BD – whether through advice or example – to make the choices that would give our relationship a fighting chance. Ultimately, you can lead a blind horse to pasture, but you can’t make that equine eat, right? Many surmised that because I could make such a definitive decision, that it meant I didn’t love BD or felt no pain ending our relationship. They couldn’t be further from the truth. It has been a debilitating time for me. I haven’t seen the gym in a month, have smoked more than a Minneapolis chimney in winter and can’t get passed the exhaustion I feel three hours after my day begins. So I took a step back and asked myself if I was doing the right thing. The answer is as clear as it was the day I made it, “yes.” You see, if you really love someone – and I do love BD – you do what’s right for the relationship. Remaining in a relationship that frustrates you and goes against your core beliefs is a mistake. BD is a great man – my very best friend really – but that all important facet of our relationship would have been eventually compromised had I negated how the relationship began to make me feel devalued. BD is in the midst of a lot of growth right now – learning who he is and hopefully, learning how to take control of his life. They say ‘never say never’ to any possibility. I am more of a realist and I have difficulty seeing any possibility of reconciliation. I do, however, see that I have lessons I can take from this relationship too; To never relinquish my power and most important to follow my old mantra of, ‘To thine own self be true.’ Last night after returning from hangin’ with my boyz, I sent BD a text and remarkably he was still up. Tipsy and speaking a sober mind we chatted for a quick minute before I offered that he call me. We spoke for a few minutes and he mentioned that he hasn’t slept well in over a month. I offered to have him come over and maybe enjoy a few hours of restful sleep that would comfort both of us. Needless to say he came over and having him cuddle-up next to me was right as rain. We awoke to a tenderness that soothed my soul – and yes, the body was weak as hell too. Later, as I fixed us some tasty scrambled egg sandwiches I mentioned to BD that this was not the norm and that it wouldn’t help our budding friendship to engage in any physical intimacy. We both agreed that we really needed this and that the beauty of being grown men is that there are no rules. We need to set healthy boundaries. I’m aware that to grow past our intimacy and share an honest friendship, we have to refrain from saying one thing and living another. Actions do speak louder than words. All said, it was great to hold him in my arms and feel his so familiar warmth in my chest. Love takes time to heal when you hurt so much…well, that’s what Mariah said.
I don’t believe in using alcohol as an excuse to do or say anything that is in your heart to do anyway. Tell of an instance when you feel alcohol impacted the choices you’ve made.
Keep passin’ the open windows…