Thursday, September 17, 2009

Recurring Pain

I’ve talked about this subject on this blog, I’ve talked about it with my close friends and even BD has gotten an earful, but I still can’t get over the recurring pain of losing my friend Bobby. After a friendship that spanned 24 years, it stands to reason that I would have some issues with moving on…I just didn’t think it would be part of my daily thoughts. It took more than three months to take the program of his wake off the cocktail table in my living room. Finally, when my sister visited a week ago and asked why I still had the program out in the open, I looked down and I realized that it was painful to put my last memory of my friend in a drawer. His telephone number is still in my cell phone and as crazy as this is going to sound, I’m sometimes tempted to press “dial” in the hopes that we’re all wrong and Bobby answers. It’s a recurring pain. I know I live with more confidence and with less reservations because I feel that Bobby would have wanted to be here to enjoy these very moments…how dare I squander any of them away, right? I’ve never lost a friend I held this close, so I don’t know when the recurring pain will go away or if it will subside a bit. I miss our coming home from the club or an event and comparing stories. He would always remind me of the details I seemed to forget. “Bitch let’s hope I never die because you’ll have amnesia, “he’d say. Ironically, the one thing I’ll never forget is him and our friendship. I sometimes cry at movies, but I’m not a water sandwich when I recognize others need me to be strong. Consequently, I did a great job of not crying openly at Bobby’s wake. Yet privately writing this blog, I am brought to tears. Most of my blogs end with a point…an admonition….some advice…this one ends with nothing more than a longing for a friend that I can never speak to again. I guess I should accept that the recurring pain is Bobby’s last reminder.

Keep passin’ the open windows…

2 comments:

Caspar608 said...

losing someone close to you is devastating. considering that you and he were not on the best of terms prior to his death only adds to your grief.

let it all out. cry for days if you have to. don't put away anything if you dont want to. you will heal eventually.

I keep my sons pictures up. people have had the nerve to tell me to take them down, put them away, it makes them upset, etc. my answer? f--k you!!!! he was MY son and I am not going to throw him into a drawer or put his pics in a box or conceal and hide the way I felt about him to make someone else feel better.

you have a right to own those emotions. I remember Bobby well. I remember our three way conversations while you were in DC and he worked in Toys R Us. I nearly got fired from leaughing so hard. He could reduce you to tears from all of his shenanigans. I remember the times I saw him. He was light and loving, silly. I miss him terribly and I barely knew him.

He's safe now. He is at peace and his every need is being met. He is in the loving arms of the Lord.

Now let it out. And then breathe deeply. Your work isnt done.

I love you,
Col

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