Morning Edition - 7/28/05

Join the Army
The ongoing commercial for the US Army usually ends with a soldier saying, “We do more before 9 a.m. than most people do all day.” This morning, while riding the train into the office after a day of stomach cramps and smoldering heat, a woman got on the train and stood by me at the door where she commenced speaking to her girlfriend (at volume 10) about NOTHING. I immediately plugged my iPod into my ears and continued reading my book, but apparently my efforts to ignore her were futile, since she had the nerve to tap me on the shoulder, coquettishly motioning that I remove my earplugs, before asking if she was wrong about thinking that men can be selfish sometimes. I looked from her friend back to her before choosing my words very carefully. “Has anyone ever told you that you should join the Army?” I asked in an obviously annoyed tone. “Oh, you think I’m militant, huh?” she responded. Her friend giggled, but stepped back apparently ready for the zinger that would be delivered. “No, you don’t appear militant. Ignorant maybe, but not militant… but the reason I thought you’d work out in the Army is because you do more f’ing talking before 9 a.m. than most folks do all f’ing day.” With this I jammed my earplugs back in my ears and looked straight ahead. I could see her friend do the “Oh snap” covering of the mouth and she pushed past four or five individuals to get further away from me. Moral of the story: Ladies, no one wants to hear you RUN your mouth about ANYTHING first thing in the morning. The less you run your mouth about, the more folks will pay attention when you finally speak.

Let’s Take A Look At Your Belly
Astronaut Eileen Collins manually steered the Discovery space shuttle onto its back to expose the belly of the shuttle to the International Space Station who would then photograph the belly and check the aircraft for damage. Discovery saw a similar incident as the Columbia space shuttle when a piece of foam dislodged during take-off. The foam apparently missed the aircraft, but double-checking was important to the mission. This is the first time in over 2 ½ years that the International Space Station receives much needed supplies. Discovery brings 15 tons of supplies and a replacement gyroscope. Gyroscopes help steer the space station.

Eat Me
Michael Link, 63, lived with his brother Adam Link, 66, in their Victorian home across from a school in Yonkers, NY. On Sunday, Adam called 9-1-1 to report that his brother was having trouble breathing. When paramedics arrived they were confronted with overgrown bushes and shrubs and a home that had no electricity. All these conditions could not prepare them for Michael Link’s condition. Paramedics say Michael was lying on cardboard boxes in his own feces with maggots eating at his exposed flesh. Although he was rushed to a nearby hospital, Michael died. Firefighters returned to the house wearing hazardous-materials gear to check-out the premises. Adam is undergoing psychiatric evaluation.

On Blast
An ex-partner, who you’ve always held a torch for, contacts you out of the blue and engages you in conversation. Without disrespecting you and in a roundabout way, he/she manages to ask you out to eat and shoot-the-breeze. In your heart of hearts you are aware that you are likely to engage in casual (and unfortunately, consensual) sex with this person. Do you still meet the ex and let bygones be bygones or do you decline the invitation and avoid contact with the ex? (Please refrain from addressing this issue from the standpoint of presently being in a relationship and cheating to engage the ex)

Keep passin’ the open windows…