Thursday, March 22, 2007

Morning Edition - 3/22/07

Mawage; Yeah, It’s a Joke
Wikipedia says that marriage is an interpersonal relationship with governmental, social or religious recognition, usually intimate and sexual and often created as a contract. The earliest recorded “marriages” predate recordkeeping, so no one really knows exactly when or where they began. Here in America, one thing is certainly clear – the institution of marriage has been on a steady decline for over four decades. Today, fewer than half the number of couples marry as back in the 60s. It was less than three years ago that the first gay couple sparked a debate and gained rights to marry or have civil unions in the U.S. and remarkably, right-wing America would have you think that gays and lesbians are attempting to ruin the institution of marriage. Newsflash folks…straight America has done a great job all on their own. A more important topic is the priority the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender (GLBT) community have at acquiring the right to say, “I do,” since heterosexuals are coming away from the institution of marriage and living together, bearing children and having productive households. I understand that the GLBT community should logically be entitled to have the SAME rights as every other red-blooded, adult American, but is the GLBT community concerned about the rights associated with marriage or the idea of being married? Ultimately, the issue is simple – all adults should have the SAME RIGHTS, but when there are so many more pressing issues in the GLBT community (gay bashings, workplace discrimination based on sexual orientation, etc.) I suspect the GLBT battle shouldn’t be the right to have a big ceremony and wear the monkey suits, but who is entitled to keep property, care for sick partners and keep our hard-earned accumulated wealth within our partnerships. As one comedian said, “The most damaging thing to the institution of marriage is not the gay community, but divorce. Outlaw that and you may just save marriage.”

The HOE and I
The HOE has quickly become my leading candidate in the dating foray. Now before you begin to peddle advice about how I should be with a more respectable person – the HOE is simply an acronym for Head of Education. Yes, the man I’m dating is not only stunningly beautiful, but has quite a head on his shoulders to boot. To give more info may render his identity public and you know me and protecting the anonymity of my dates. This Friday, the HOE and I are making plans to have dinner and catch a flick. Meanwhile, Diaper Jo (DJ) is intent on using all of my 1000 monthly text messages in a 24-hour period. He’s truly a nice man, but the consistent text messages, telephone calls and e-mails is beginning to feel like someone slowly rubbing sandpaper against my prostate. Today, I asked him to please allow me to call him when I got home and he sent at least six text messages to basically say, “Sure, we’ll talk when you get home.” Bless his obsessive compulsive needy ass. In an odd double-booking incident (yeah, I’m getting worse than the airlines) I agreed to touch-base with White Chocolate (WC) aka my freckled baby daddy on Friday as well. I suspect he’ll become a Saturday afternoon date since DJ has announced that Sunday is our “magical” day. I haven’t heard the word magical in the same sentence as hangin’ out since I sat down to an episode of Sesame Street in 1974.

Rapidly Fraying Rope
Welcome to the first installment of instances, moments or scenes that take me to the edge of the legal system and have me dangling perilously at the end of my rapidly fraying rope. You know, those moments when you know you’re seconds from committing a violent and masochistic crime. Today’s issue… Rush hour.
In most major metropolitan cities, rush hour is defined as those crucial morning hours and evening hours when large amounts of people are attempting to shuttle from one place to another and accomplish this move in a short period of time. The concept is not one that most of these people (commuters) enjoy, but we all try to complete a task we dislike, do it in the most efficient way possible and follow some general rules to make this dreaded task less cumbersome. By following the following easy procedures, you can help keep someone who’s at-the-brink-of-psychosis from ending your life as you know it:
1. If you’re lost, need to apply make-up are illegally using your telephone or would like to travel at 25 mph or less while looking in all directions (but the one you’re traveling in) please pull to the lane furthest to the right and insure that no vehicle attempting to pass is trapped behind yours.
2. When riding up or down on an escalator that is wide enough to accommodate two persons across, the person riding on the left-hand side MUST walk – be it up or down. To stand lazily and allow the escalator to carry your portly frame to another level, please use the right-hand side of the escalator.
3. When riding in confined spaces – trains, buses and elevators – conversation should be kept to a minimum. If conversation is necessary, it should be done is a respectable manner, including words such as, “Please, excuse me, thank-you, etc.” If you are partaking of casual conversation, your voice should be at a low level, so that only the person being spoken to is privy to the conversation. Please note: If you have been speaking to someone for over two minutes without a response you should discontinue the conversation.
4. Piggy-backing on the riding in confined spaces rule, there are positioning rules that MUST also be followed. Short of inciting your death, you should keep your penis, vagina, breasts and armpits off fellow riders. This may take some torsion, but you should turn your body to guarantee that no one is rudely exposed to your genitals. When touch is necessary, booty-to-booty contact is preferred.
5. Never stop or pause on walkways, passageways, hallways, etc. that require easy passage to rushing commuters to greet or converse with others – this includes cell phone conversations or meaningless loitering of any kind.

Please use the above five rules… the life you save will certainly be your own.

On Blast
What is your biggest pet peeve of rush-hour commuting?

Keep passin’ the open windows…


Anonymous said...

Oh I can't stand it when the boarding passengers are trying to get on the train as soon as the door opens...let the exiting passengers off it will make more room. Also, while on the inside seat of a two seater, just say excuse me and not stand or place your strap on your shoulder or turn in your seat to jesture that you would like to get off at the next stop.


adam_ex2 said...

OMG... This is the wrong question to ask kids who've just arrived to work. Cocoa, you're straight up wrong. : - )

My answer is EVERYTHING!

I take a commuter train, then the subway. On the commuter train, it's all good until it's time to get off. I don't understand why some people feel the need to just take their sweet time. They know that everyone is in a rush (hence the term Rush Hour), but everyday they act like it's a total surprise that the train has arrived at its final destination. I understand that everyone may not move at the same pace, but they should understand that most people are in a rush. "Get you sh*t together, get the f**k up, and take your time AFTER you get off the train!"

On the Metro, I have to agree with ANON. I can't stand the lack of etiquette. Besides not letting people off, before trying to get on, I can't stand those attemps at nonverbal communication. "If you want to sit down, you need to say something. Perhaps 'Excuse Me' would work. I'm not a mind reader, and you shouldn't expect me to know that your standing in front of me, with that dumbfounded look on your face, is supposed to mean that you would like to sit down." A lot of these people must secretly want to be like their dogs, who rely on this means of communication.

And don't get me started on the folks who can't grasp the concept of "Stand to the right. Walk to the left." on DC's Metro. Everyone standing on the right side, and there's always at least one fool, standing on the left, who is so out of touch with what's going on around them that they don't notice that everyone else is standing on the right. You'd think that the line of people behind them, trying to walk, would snap them into reality. It's public transportation, for Pete's sake. Where do they think they are... The Galleria?

Sorry, I haven't had my coffee OR my Valium yet.

Just Me said...

My biggest Peeve is ass-wipes that think they are the only person walking the platform. Please, move you azz and get out. This is NOT a sight-seeing tour of the underground railroad.

Please, don't just stop walking and cause a pile up. This is the people HIGHWAY, no sudden shifts in lane travel.

Try your best to walk in a straight line. This zig-zag shyt is going to make me trip yo azz.

The turn-style is NOT the finish line. This aint a race so there is no need to jump in front of me to get out.

caspar608 said...

Bags, shopping bags and even more shopping bags could get someone KILLED. Also, imbocilic mothers who think its a good idea to bring a stroller on the train at rush hour. First, getting on and off the train could kill that baby since the doors close quickly and the stroller could get dragged down the platform. Second, people could fall all over the precious little one inside the stroller. Get a snugli for Gods sake.

On a crazy note, anybody see the news on that poor little angel who was abducted feet from his grandmothers home by the monsters of white trash in GA. May that poor child rest in peace. ANd may all three of those fucking animals be put to death immediately. I hope someone bashes their brains in behind bars. Go to CNN. We cannot let this one go.

That Dude Right There said...

My first pet peeve is people that get on airplanes and THEN decide to take off their coat, get out their laptop, get out books, and just have to hustle about AFTER they get their asses on the plane. Can you do all of this ish before you get on the damn plane and save us all some time.

And the damn idiots who complain about airlines or the airport. If you don't like the airline or the airport, don't use the mutha*****s. Walk where the hell you have to go.

And then there are the fools that pack a heavy ass carry-on and expect other people to help them put it in the overhead compartment. I WILL NOT touch anyone else's luggage. NO ONE. Hell to da NO!!!!!!!!!

And also the idiots that want to talk on the phone AFTER the announcement to turn the damn things off! Did the announcement not just say to turn the damn thing off?

And lastly. Please do not attempt to talk to me on any public transporation. I will flat out tell them, "don't talk to me" as soon as they say something.

Thanks Cocoa for posting this. I needed to release some tension.

Darius T. Williams said...

I work for the Chicago Public School system - at the main office - downtown chicago. So, I commute. Here's what I hate:

There are 5 elevators in a building of about 4000 employees with over 3000 visitors a day. The wait for the elevator can sometimes be unbearable. You mean to tell me, you waited 4 minutes for the elevator...and you're only going to the 2nd floor?

If I wasn't Christian...

Marz said...

I hate when people keep beeeping their horn knowing the traffic isn't going anywhere. I hate when my mother changes the station to KYW, and it's like, "why didn't you do that before we got on the highway.

HOe, cute. LOL

And I totally don't believe in marriage. I think it can only last for people who are from the fifties. my parents are OLD at heart so it works for them. Many people feel the same way about gay marriage that many felt about interracial marriage. The fact that minorities in slavery couldn't marry should say something about the whole institution.