Thursday, March 08, 2007

Morning Edition - 3/8/07

Clash of the Titan…Life 180
Over the summer and through to about November of this past year, I spent some time with a gym partner that escalated into a full-blown flirt-fest. The intended flirtee was a 6’7”, twenty-something brown-skinned prince with a few hidden issues that soon surfaced to challenge my maturity and confidence. Before matters heated up and the character flaws were exposed, Big Youngin’ – yes, that’s the nickname I gave him the moment we met – would walk by me at the gym and he would nod, smile and do the “Wassup…” as we would pass each other. Soon, I realized that his greetings were more than just casual colored-men camaraderie. Finally, two weeks into the little lunch-time coincidental passes, I was alone in the sauna, stretching out a solid three-mile run, when through the door entered the mountainesque Big Youngin’. He sat across from me and remarked that he thought my tattoo was cool and asked if it hurt getting my nipple pierced. I smiled and said, “Like the dickens…” before promptly tightening my towel around my waist and bidding the big guy a good afternoon. Our midday gym encounters continued for the next few weeks before Big Youngin’ caught me exiting the gym and asked if I wanted to meet him for our noon-time workouts, since gym partnerships make working out easier. Of course, this necessitated my exchanging numbers with him and there began the real sexual tension. I agreed, dug through my wallet and gave him my business card before acting extremely rushed to return to the office. :::Quick break here to mention that although I’m extremely outgoing, I have a very hard time being aggressive in romantic pursuits::: I will more likely let an opportunity slip through my fingers, rather than risk rejection. The next morning, like clockwork, there was an e-mail from Big Youngin’ asking if we were meeting at the gym at noon. From that day forward, I had several e-mails from Big Youngin', before and after our workouts and before leaving for the day. It was several weeks before our conversations focused on the people we like to date and what we do on our weekends. I’m not 15 and am well aware that there was an interest on Big Youngin's part, but I didn’t want to volunteer information that hadn’t been asked of me. Close to a month after our e-mails began, I mentioned that I was going on a date with someone that I wasn’t too comfortable with. Big Youngin' replied by saying, “You really shouldn’t go out with her/him if you’re not comfortable.” Well, I took a moment to think about his response. I knew this was the AHA moment. This is when I would have to either be up-in-arms that he left the gender of my date in the air OR clearly mention whether I was seeing men or women. I went with the latter. I responded, “Yeah, I think I’m going to cancel with him.” For the next few days I felt slightly uncomfortable when we would meet at the gym and he was perceptive enough to catch on and speak on it first. “Look, I’m cool with you being gay if you’re alright with me being straight – but liking men. It’s something I struggle with.” From then on it was on. We flirted, made passes and teased. When the frenetic endorphins reached their peak we were faced with a conundrum of sorts – his religious beliefs made him pull back and say that he couldn’t move forward with consummating our little courtship. As an anti-rejection tactic I quickly retorted with a “Do you…I’ve been where you are and it’s a rough place. You seem cool, so no love lost.” He looked shocked. It was almost as though he expected me to convince him to get some of my stuff; uh, not in this lifetime. I shut down. I made an emotional about-face and treated him cooler than I would a casual acquaintance. His e-mails weren’t always responded to and our gym meetings became fewer and far between. Finally, he confronted me after work one night and said, “I’m really feeling you and want to be with you, but it conflicts with everything I believe in.” I said, “You’re a fraud. You pursued me and now you’re a coward who’s hiding behind his religion. You will have your gay encounters, but probably in the church restroom stalls. Like I said before, do you!” He became irate and said that maybe it was best that we didn’t hang anymore. I agreed and wished him luck, but not before mentioning, “Do yourself and those around you a favor. Don’t get caught out there destroying innocent lives with your conflicted ass.” He looked completely distraught, but I pivoted and proceeded down the subway steps. I hadn’t heard from Big Youngin’ since – that is, until today. He sent an e-mail that said, “Hey man. Thinking about you and hoping you’re okay. My last day at work is March 31 and I wanted to say that I still have your voice in my head. Can I call you sometime?” I took a moment to reread the e-mail several times before I hit the “reply” button. “Meet me at 6:30 in front of the Starbucks,” I wrote. So we talked for over an hour as we walked through the chilly midtown streets. We stopped for a cup of coffee, where he smiled wide and told me how he missed seeing me. “Yeah, I miss seein’ you too,” I cautiously responded. As I prepared to walk down those same subway steps, I turned to see Big Youngin’ standing there. He made his hand into the universal phone sign, placing it to his ear. I simply nodded no and smiled. I took off down the stairs and realized that the steps where the perfect metaphor for where we were in our acceptance of ourselves… on different platforms.

On Blast
I’m single, and quite frankly what I’ve always loved most about being a gay man was that I didn’t feel I was held to the same negative connotations associated with casual sex that riddles straight folks. Why do I feel that allowing Big Youngin’ some of my goodies would only serve to demean me as a gay man?

Keep passin’ the open windows…

10 comments:

donya said...

MAYBE BECAUSE HE DOES NOT ACCEPT THAT HE IS GAY. TO ME HE THINKS THAT IS NOT EVEN GAY. HE DOES NOT ACCEPT ANY OF IT. BUT MY QUESTION TO YOU IS KNOWING THAT YOU HAVE BEEN WHERE HE IS (ACCEPTING WHO YOU ARE) DO YOU THINK YOU WERE KIND OF HARSH? I MAYBE WRONG BUT IT SEEMS HE WAS COMING TO YOU FOR SOME KIND OF GUIDANCE. HELP ME OUT HECTOR.

lala said...

I agree with Donya. Because you have been in his situation, do you think you handled the situation correctly? He was comfortable speaking with you. How do you think your reaction will affect him in his future gay endeavors? Do you think you are the first gay man he has had a "friendship" with? Think back to when you were his age and having to face difficult situations.

I’m not saying run out and sleep with him. I’m just saying consider his feelings and his confusion. He felt comfortable enough with you to admit that he was straight but liked men.

Hum…this could be a good plot for a new book. You know I still love you!

Just Me said...

You make it seem as though you were thinking of giving a pitting F.... You are not married, from what I know, and you should not be sleeping with others just to satisfy their wants or needs. If you think that your sex is all that good maybe you should put it on the market and test it. Otherwise, do you and not BIG Young'n.. This should be confirmation of what you and everyone else already know.
P.S. You can't help anybody with sexual issues if you are a part of the situation. You need to be on the outside providing guidance, not in their bed. This is NOT a training session.

KahluaLoverInVa said...

Because you don't want to 'give your goodies' to someone who's unsure of whether they really want you or not. Because it isn't YOUR responsibility to figure out HIS sexual identity issues. Because, as we talked about the other night...we're growing up baby! Hugs & kisses my sweet friend...

Cocoa Rican said...

There is so much that was chopped off to keep the blog posting as concise as possible, but suffice to say that with a reverend for a daddy, I experienced the guilt and rejection of coming out as a gay man. Moreover, it took years to feel comfortable with myself and with my partners. I don’t wish to relive that with/for anyone. I explained all of my “church days” to Big Youngin’, but instead of hearing my perspective he took quite a different approach by saying he didn’t think he could turn his back on the Lord (like I had done) and lived a life of abomination. He went on to say that he didn’t know where his feelings would lead, but he didn’t think he’d ever be as comfortable with the decision to be gay as I was. Well…hope that sheds some light on my ability to push-back on the gargantuan gentleman. LOL

Cocoa Rican said...

BTW – Ladies, y’all know I always take your advice and comments to heart and will def check myself on some of your points… Just Me… huh? Let me find out.

j_shanlin said...

mmm...that post was FIERCE u hear me?! Loved every minute. You handled your business! I know this may not be much of a help, but....I woulda slept with him...sorry!

Leniere said...

Maybe your concern about casual sex isn't about whether it's wrong or right. Maybe it's about the fact that you want more. Maybe you looked at that boy and saw something more than a casual toss. Knowing this subconsciously probably instructed your conscious mind to cut it off before you got yourself hurt.

It's very easy to just "go with it", get the nut and move on...in the short term at least. It's much harder to acknowledge the immediate urges and hold off till you get what he wants.

Whether they intend to or not, the confused kids can really turn you the hell out if you don't set limits...and thats what you did...and that's fuckin ok.

Cocoa Rican said...

Baby J... I thought about that too... don't even take me there...LOL

Leniere...you're right...limiits do need to be set... thnx

Kahlua...girl you know wassup.

That Dude Right There said...

You did the right thing by not fucking him. I have made it a point to not get involved with dudes that are not comfortable with their sexuality. That is not to rule out bisexual men, but those "straight" men that "fool around".

Even though you have been where he is, it is not your responsibility to guide him anywhere.