Morning Edition - 8/22/07

The Pursuit of Unhappiness
I can’t recall a time in my life when I pursued an individual who could not reciprocate my feelings for them. My point is simple – beautiful, handsome, and charming mean nothing if the person cannot fill the post that your heart has them slated for. Case in point: There is a woman who is taken by BD. She has sent flowers to his job, sends daily text messages of encouragement and pleasantries and even “happened to be in the area” once for lunch. When he told me about her, I simply asked how he felt about the attention and he seemed uncomfortable by her persistent pursuit. To this, I simply said, “Then nip it in the bud before it grows.” He did, and the woman left the hook in the water with a, “I’d love to stay friends and let you know that if you’re ever interested, I’m here.” Personally, I don’t blame her – he’s attractive, intelligent, charming and attentive; qualities I’m sure she’s looking for in a man. Also, I don’t believe he made clear that he’s seeing someone – a man at that – so her continued contact is understandable. Today, he mentioned that an old friend had reached-out to him to joke that she had a dream with him that involved him being chased by a woman and she said that in the dream the woman, “Would not quit.” He laughed and told me the story and said, “I wonder who that woman could be – I mean it could be my ex wife or an ex girlfriend or even the woman who sent me the flowers…” I sat quietly listening and then responded with, “How does it matter?” The question in-and-of-itself wasn’t odd, but my tone was definitely on the irritated side. I could here his voice as he recoiled and tried to ask, “What do you mean?” I repeated, “How does it matter? If you’re not interested in any of these ladies, who cares which one of them – if any – this friend of yours could have had this coincidental dream about?” There was another awkward pause before I continued, “You’ll always be pursued…you’re worth pursuing. The main issue is who you’re pursuing. Right?” He stammered a bit and said, “Yeah, I just thought it was really odd that she would have this dream when she doesn’t know any of these folks and in light of that girl who sent me flowers recently...” Blame it on the rain, but I just didn’t feel like continuing this little charade…”It boils down to folks not knowing their boundaries, sometimes because those boundaries aren’t clear to them. When you finally feel in a position to tell folks where you stand, they’ll cease to pursue. In the meantime, expect them to relentlessly chase, since they assume you’re available and probably just playing a game of being aloof,” I said. I wanted to reel that last line back and modify its content, but knew that that’s how I really felt. I let it hang there. “You’re right and it doesn’t matter since I know I want to be with you,” he soothed. “The thing is, you know this, but they don’t. So until they do, you should expect some hot and heavy pursuits. I better get back to work. We’ll talk later,” I said. I hung up and took a quick walk outside for a breath of fresh air. I know it shouldn’t bother me, but it does. It bothers me when men/women know – and this woman, at the very least, knows he’s not interested – that someone is not even of their sexual orientation and still pursue them. Further, it sends me over the edge when folks (including BD) are swooning in the spotlight of attention and don’t see the obvious pitfalls toying with adult feelings can lead to.

On Blast
Monday’s story may have some of you thinking that it’s all roses and lily pads on my end, but all “relationships” have their rough spots. In the last few months I have come across plenty of instances where men (and yes, even women – go figure) have approached me. Whether I shoot them down in the instant or keep them at arms-distance with my comments, I don’t encourage their continued pursuit. Moreover, I don’t feel BD and I would benefit from him hearing of my daily encounters with interested parties. That said, I also recognize that everyone handles situations differently. I often expect folks to deal with situations the way I would and have been stubbornly unforgiving when they handle things their way and have a negative outcome.

If you’re on the up-and-up and handling situations appropriately, is it a good idea to relay these interactions to your partner? What does the relationship stand to gain?

Keep passin’ the open windows…