Monday, August 27, 2007

Morning Edition - 8/27/07

The Hardest; The Best
I’ve found it difficult saying the words, “I love you.” It seems that every time I’ve used those words in the past and meant it, they’ve backfired and held the greatest sting. They represent the deepest sentiment to me and they also are my vulnerability red flag. They signify a chink in my armor; a Trojan horse in my heart. I believe I’ve loved BD for quite some time now. His smile, his voice, his presence fills me with such positive emotions that in my lowest moods and my recent bout with a cold, his very essence willed me to feel better in record time. During one of our recent rides home from the office we talked about how love is not necessarily felt simultaneously and that it seems there is always one individual that feels stronger feelings than the other. We clarified that it doesn’t mean that both parties aren’t equally in love; just that one always appears to have stronger feelings. We agreed that the tides change throughout the relationship and that the party treading deeper in feelings shifts. At the time I wondered whether he could see that I was already there, but judging by my ability to hold back, I figured I was doing a good job at keeping my heart curtains drawn. Then yesterday we spent the day together; did some shopping and ended up at my place to take a Sunday afternoon nap. The nap went out the window, but what was beautiful was that as we lay in the afterglow of it all, I was staring into his face and he looked over and without a moments hesitation said, “I love you so much.” I swallowed hard and said, “I love you too.” Well, that ignited yet another couple of hours of consummation and that warmth that comes with forthright recognition. I’m in love…wow. Who’da thunk it? I think the reason there’s no longer a fear is that deep in my heart I’ve come to one conclusion. I am living out this love in full. I am giving it me… all of me. I’m not holding back fears, I’m not putting on airs, and I’m not even going there on being the number one bitch in town. It’s not about that. It’s about enjoying a man that represents all that I’ve wanted in a man. Most of all, I’ve concluded that if it works, or falls through or even if he gets hit by a high speed bullet train – I would regret none of it. It was worth every bit of my time, my effort, my disarmament. You see, I’ve done the shields-dating; I’ve done the you-aren’t-even-in-a-position-to-hurt-me dating; and it has proven to me that you can’t get 100% when you’re giving 80%. So, to the laws of Karma, “Here’s my 100%. Give me my equal exchange rate.”

On Blast
There are people that wait to hear of their impending doom – be it from disease, a near-death experience, etc. – to live life fully. When they do exercise that freedom, they realize they missed out on so much and that they should’ve lived fully when all was good in their lives. Accept that we don’t have to wait until it comes to that type of situation….
If you were faced with the news that you had a short time to live, what risk, chance, liberty would you take to live your life fully to its end?

Listening To: Love; Musiq

Keep passin’ the open windows…

12 comments:

C. Baptiste-Williams said...

i would quit my job go back to St. Kitts and watch the sunset every day... with friends and family of course.

KennonPurdy said...

NOTHING! I live my life to fullest everyday. I can't think of what I would do diffrently

Darius T. Williams said...

Great question - but, it's really hard to think about about this until it happens. I think we can speculate all we want to - but as Walter Lee says in "A Raisin in The Sun," "the difference between asking and taking when the time comes is long and wide."

-DTW

Joey Bahamas said...

I would travel! Go toe very place I want to see, experience the food, the art, the people of the world. I would throw huge parties with all the ppl I care about and I would tell each person I love why I love them, and what they've done to make me a better person. I would continue the work I do and continue to be thankful for every day I've been given....

life said...

Yeah, just because someone doesn't love they way you want them too, it doesn't mean they love you any less. I don't know what I would do...relax chill with family

Kensilo said...

With me, I will speak whats on my mind more. I tend to not say things straight out like it popped into my mind. But I say what I have to say in a nice uplifting way, which takes a lot out of me depending on the conversation.

OOh, And I will party like a rockstar!!

That Dude Right There said...

Well since I seem to do most of the things that I want to do, I think that I would spend my last days trying to help others in some way. But hey, I could be doing that now couldn't I?

Anonymous said...

I dont know you from a can of spray paint, but i enjoy your blog so much. you write so well, and reading about your new found joy with BD is way past cool. Thank you for sharing part of your heart with the world. LOVE ON BROTHER.

respectyourheart@aol.com

Eric

Cocoa Rican said...

Thanks Eric... that was really kind. Sharing BD is easy because it's hard to keep him bottled up in such a small space.
Here's to love...

yet another black guy said...

damn, you're living the dream and i ain't mad at'cha one bit!

i'd be a little bit more truthful with myself and others. then again, i could be doing that now. hit me at rpcjr72@yahoo.com and i'll give you my # for when you guys come down. i can't wait to see you two (err, three) together!

Anonymous said...

I would make it clap : )

Hahahahahaha.

I would go to Disney World with my chirrens.

Cas608

fuzzy said...

Love must be in the air! It Has to be!

Wow, thinking about this brought some tears to my eyes. Ummm, I would wanna spend some days with my brother his wife and my niece. Shraing stories about my mother, passing on information. last words etc... Then as I feel time dwindling down I would come back and only wanna be held by my BF. If i was to die, I would like to die in his arms.