The Hardest; The Best
I’ve found it difficult saying the words, “I love you.” It seems that every time I’ve used those words in the past and meant it, they’ve backfired and held the greatest sting. They represent the deepest sentiment to me and they also are my vulnerability red flag. They signify a chink in my armor; a Trojan horse in my heart. I believe I’ve loved BD for quite some time now. His smile, his voice, his presence fills me with such positive emotions that in my lowest moods and my recent bout with a cold, his very essence willed me to feel better in record time. During one of our recent rides home from the office we talked about how love is not necessarily felt simultaneously and that it seems there is always one individual that feels stronger feelings than the other. We clarified that it doesn’t mean that both parties aren’t equally in love; just that one always appears to have stronger feelings. We agreed that the tides change throughout the relationship and that the party treading deeper in feelings shifts. At the time I wondered whether he could see that I was already there, but judging by my ability to hold back, I figured I was doing a good job at keeping my heart curtains drawn. Then yesterday we spent the day together; did some shopping and ended up at my place to take a Sunday afternoon nap. The nap went out the window, but what was beautiful was that as we lay in the afterglow of it all, I was staring into his face and he looked over and without a moments hesitation said, “I love you so much.” I swallowed hard and said, “I love you too.” Well, that ignited yet another couple of hours of consummation and that warmth that comes with forthright recognition. I’m in love…wow. Who’da thunk it? I think the reason there’s no longer a fear is that deep in my heart I’ve come to one conclusion. I am living out this love in full. I am giving it me… all of me. I’m not holding back fears, I’m not putting on airs, and I’m not even going there on being the number one bitch in town. It’s not about that. It’s about enjoying a man that represents all that I’ve wanted in a man. Most of all, I’ve concluded that if it works, or falls through or even if he gets hit by a high speed bullet train – I would regret none of it. It was worth every bit of my time, my effort, my disarmament. You see, I’ve done the shields-dating; I’ve done the you-aren’t-even-in-a-position-to-hurt-me dating; and it has proven to me that you can’t get 100% when you’re giving 80%. So, to the laws of Karma, “Here’s my 100%. Give me my equal exchange rate.”
There are people that wait to hear of their impending doom – be it from disease, a near-death experience, etc. – to live life fully. When they do exercise that freedom, they realize they missed out on so much and that they should’ve lived fully when all was good in their lives. Accept that we don’t have to wait until it comes to that type of situation….
If you were faced with the news that you had a short time to live, what risk, chance, liberty would you take to live your life fully to its end?
Listening To: Love; Musiq
Keep passin’ the open windows…