Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Afternoon Edition - 6/7/05 - On Blast

On Blast
Today we’re putting anonymous On Blast with: Why do men in this day and age think it’s alright to have a woman support them? And why do women allow it?

This is an issue that is very close to my heart, since one of the folks I care about, almost more than my life, appears to be living it. If you’ll notice, I used the word “appears.” This is important, since many times we are simply judging or analyzing someone’s life and are not privy to all the details that may make their relationship work. That said, there are a slew of reasons why men in this day and age are comfortable with being supported. Not the least of which, is THEY CAN. An opportunist will not miss his chance to allow a willing target to provide for them. As to the “why” they would feel so comfortable – well that can come from a few different sources. They could have been raised by someone (probably a woman) who provided everything for them and required nothing in return. Mothers, remember you are only doing yourself and future women a disservice to not properly train the “future men” of the world to take responsibility and contribute. Also, children learn most things by example. If you are a parent who flagrantly shows your child how you “gets yours,” your child will inevitably attempt to “get theirs” when they’re old enough. Teach your children how to support themselves and prepare for the roles they will undoubtedly play in the future. Now, there are men who were raised right, but are lazy, incompetent or simply see a free ride for what it is – a free ride. In these cases, it is a conscious choice (not nurturing) that brings these men to the conclusion that a free meal is easier than earning your keep. Finally, there are men who are encouraged by their women to chill. In an effort to maintain the most control over the situation, some women reason that if you keep him at home, keep him fed, sexed, etc. he’ll do right and ultimately be a better partner. Sadly, this is also a catch-22, since a power-less man soon seeks to attain power OR loses all character traits that attracted you to him in the first place.

The bigger question however is, “Why do women allow it?” Mainly because some women believe that if the only character flaw they’ll have to contend with is that their man is a kept man, it’s not such a bad fault after all.

In the end, as I have painfully surmised, it’s best to not interfere in friends/family that are undergoing this situation, since you will be perceived as the bad guy who wants to keep a happy and loving couple apart. The best advice: Mind your business and only give your opinion when it is specifically asked of you. Some women will learn through trial and error, but as I am witnessing, some women NEVER learn. In which case, enjoy your friend or family member, ignore the details of their relationship (unless it directly affects you and your finances) and let the chips fall where they may. As painful as a train wreck to watch, but as effective as one of those wildlife photographers that does not disturb or interfere with nature when the lion begins to devour the gazelle – makes for a hell of a good shot though.

Keep passin’ the open windows…

9 comments:

Lady Long Legs said...

Hector,

Well said...

I hope you are writing a book, you are so talented. I truly believe you will be able to get it published. And I will buy a copy of it for everybody in my family.

Jeanine said...

My husband ventured out to start his own small business and there was a period where I had to financially support us for a few months without much help from him. Of course my situation was temporary but I did b/c I truly believe in him and his vision. Of course D wasn't happy with me being the bread winner and provider for that period but we knew that it was a temporary situation.

When you go into a relationship, you should enter it knowing there will be a time where one of you will have to rely on the other for support albeit financial, emotional, or otherwise. I think that's part of the for richer for poorer. In this economy, you could be fine one day and homeless the next.

In my situation, taking care of my hubby was temporary and believe it or not, that struggle brought us closer. Anonymous realize that you're on the outside looking in and you may not know the full situation. If you're cousin is supporting her man, she might honestly believe it's only for a season. There's something about love that'll make you do things you swore you'd never do so like Cocoa said, only give advice when your specifically asked to.

caspar608 said...

Just to clarify, I am not supporting the father of my children - we are not involved in an intimate sexual relationship and he does not live with me. I have no regrets about supporting him when we were involved with each other because I truly loved him. Now, we have a much better relationship because 1) he is in therapy and recovering from a severely abusive and neglectful childhood, so I understand why he behaved in the manner in which he did and 2) I am not sexually attracted to him so I can do as I please and know that he now supports ME by taking responsibility for his children.
It was a long hard road for me to get where I am today. I could have killed him for some of the things he did. But in the end I am happy with who I am.
As I stated before, let your cousin live her life and try to refrain from breaking down her man. If she complains, you have a right to offer your advice and opinion. Until then, wish her well.

Cocoa Rican said...

I suspect that folks in relationships with opportunistic folks KNOW their situation, but attempt to make the best of it (well, barring any "con" situation). As much as we care about the folks that may be in these types of relationships, it's best to keep your distance - in my case, I've slightly alienated myself (for safety sake). I hate to see those I care about allow themselves to be manipulated, used and taken advantage of. Ultimately, I accept that it is not my place to make decisions for another adult.

Welcome Darren...Darren, is a NYC professional (str8 - so I'll be nice) who is joining us. Darren is cool, open-minded and mad smart, but it's his quiet-cool that are most impressive. Darren, my people are your people...don't be afraid to speak up (yeah, I know you rather watch and listen) Folks... be nice to my new friend.

caspar608 said...

Hiiiii Darren! I'm single.

Cocoa Rican said...

Apparently, the NY Daily News has reported that Tyson Beckford has been in an accident. Please check out the story at http://www.nydailynews.com/06-07-2005/news/gossip/story/316618p-270859c.html

Thanks KrisAlmighty! XXOO

Anonymous said...

Someone sent me the following brain twisters via email. I hate when I get emails like this and since misery loves company, I’m passing it on to my family.

A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

Anonymous said...

Sorry, the one about the woman is a separate from the one about the paragraph. Two different brain twisters.

caspar608 said...

I need to be on acid to decipher that brain twister...