Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Afternoon Edition - 5/17/05

Am I My Parent’s Dealer? Yes, I Am
I realize this may sound morally disturbing to you on some level, but I’ve become my parent’s dealer. To quickly bring everyone up to speed, my parents arrived in NYC for a two week visit from Puerto Rico following my sister giving birth three weeks ago. With sleeping arrangements scarce, my parents are staying with me in an apartment the size of most folks’ family room. Logically, I gave up my bed and sleep on the sofa while they’re here. It was 48 hours after their arrival that I realized my mom and dad would only sleep about 3 hours per night on average. This was especially disturbing, since I would be forced to endure them while they were awake and had to be in the office the next day. It was then that the eerie idea of sedating my parents began creeping into my mind. Two nights ago I began giving my parents one Ambien each, neatly tucked away in their evening cup of Breyers Butter Pecan ice cream. Of course I initially felt guilty to watch them knocked-out with their mouths open sleeping like two babies, but when my dad awoke late the next morning saying he hadn’t slept that well in years, I knew I had done the right thing. Last night my mom said she couldn’t have ice cream every night for fear she’d go into diabetic shock. Well, I panicked. I had to devise another way to get the Ambien in her system. So those mango smoothies I made from the Goya mixers she insisted we buy two days ago, were laced with the magical white pills. Again, the babies – I mean, my parents – slept until I woke them when I was leaving for work this morning. In fear that I may have one of them overdose, I checked with my pharmacist to be sure Ambien was safe and it turns out, it’s a widely used sleep aide prescribed by doctors. He then reminded me that I had a refill of the drug waiting for me. I almost shouted, “I’ll be there this evening to pick it up!” Sure, I’ll use up half my prescription before they leave, but if I intend to sleep this week, it’s worth every pill. Tonight, I think I’ll wow them with pudding surprise. Sweet dreams folks!

Keep passin’ the open windows…

23 comments:

L. Williams said...

I know a few things about ambien honey and I'm surprised that they could get up!

You are crazy!

Anonymous said...

Hector, you are a mess. I am sitting here in tears laughing at you. You really need help. I know there is a good shrink in NY that can squeeze you in!

Cocoa Rican said...

Hush little baby don't say a word.. .Cocoa's gonna buy you a mockingbird... and if that mockingbird don't sing... Cocoa's gonna buy you a &^%$%$^^ oh shoot, you get the picture!

Maddy said...

This is by far the FUNNIEST Thing I've ever had the PLEASURE of reading!! OMg hahahahha You are killingg me hahahhahahhahahaahah

Anonymous said...

Sorry Hector...it was LaLa that left the anonymous message.

Lady Long Legs said...

You are crazy and still funny as hell!!! I miss laughing with you.

The husband decided to surprise me with dinner on Saturday so that's why you did not hear from me. When are you coming back to town? Do you have Shey's email address because I believe she is not getting the ME's?

LaLa... what's up? I'm coming to your area and would like to see you.

Cocoa Rican said...

I thought I did... Ang, would you mind sending it off to her and hit me up with her e-mail address.... BTW folks, feel free to have friends, family and freaks join us... it's all good :)

Anonymous said...

You would be a great comedy writer. You are too funny. I really look forward to reading these each day.

I really do miss you.

Ros

FREAKING RICAN said...

OH MY GOD Hector I am so peeing in my G string. I can't stop laughing...You are to much...By the way when is the next Cruz family BBQ? I would luv to see you all together in one place acting the fool. Lord, they would have to send me home in a stretcher.

Owen said...

Wow. They must be a loud bunch if you have to sedate your parents! Would it still make you their dealer even if they aren't actually "in the market" for what you're selling?

Cocoa Rican said...

Our family reunion takes place every Thanksgiving in Puerto Rico - ALL ARE INVITED! All folks outside the family are required to read a 10-page disclaimer and sign health, mental and emotional waiver forms.... book early, tickets get expensive later :)

Cocoa Rican said...

Well Owen... my pharmacist says that after 7-days my parents are officially hooked to the mild sleep aide... so I guess if I stop giving it to them by the end of the week, they'll beg me to hook-them-up... so, I stand corrected... The title should be, "Am I My Parents Future Dealer?"

Jeanine said...

Man you are killing me! I can't believe you gave them some sleeping pills! WHAT A GENIUS IDEA! My mother will be in town in about 3 weeks...I need to get my Rx ASAP!!

LMAO!

Anonymous said...

Hector, it was great seeing you last Friday. Now, with that out of the way, you are waaaaay too funny! Oh God, your parents may have to go thru withdrawal. Too bad I can't get ambien without a Rx, cus when the hubby gets frisky and I have a HEADACHE, I'll serve him up some of his favorite ice cream ala ambien.

Thanks for adding me to the Post.

gail

donya said...

Hector I swear to GOD you are crazy!!!!!

caspar608 said...

You shoulda been gone...knowin how I made you feel...and I shoulda been goooone...after all your words of steel...........!
Papa Johnnie and Momma Millie gonna know when they come over this weekend that their deviant middle child has been slipping them a mickey on a nightly basis.

Cocoa Rican said...

My Dear Caspar...
I know how much you love your children...don't make me harm them. Zip it! Besides, I'd hate for anyone to know a few of our little childhood secrets that included mutilating and assaulting our playmates... now what woud folks think of that... EXACTLY! You and I are not Usher and this isn't our Confessions!

caspar608 said...

do you remember what song I was singing?

KRISALMIGHTY said...

I'M ON THE FLOOR IN STITCHES. YOU ARE ENTIRELY HILLARIOUS. YOU COULD MAKE MILLIONS ON 'COMEDY CENTRAL'. I FORGOT HOW OVER-THE-TOP FUNNY YOU ARE.....YOU NEED A PRIEST COCOA.....LOL

Cocoa Rican said...

Oh Kris Almighty....please don't hold any of these rantings against me... you know I'm a decent, kind, fun-loving guy... it's this b*tch Caspar that brings out that truant little boy that had a criminal record sealed years ago... By the way Caspar... of course I know the song... we used to sing it constantly while roller skating in 106 degree heat! By the way, I still haven't forgiven/forgotten how you ruined our pair skating careers. We could've perfected the pamchenko - I know it...but you have to be afraid of a few concrete shards in your skull. BTW... Noreen didn't slip and skin her knees and thighs that fateful summer afternoon... guess who saw everything? I think you'll want to talk offline soon... God forbid Sister Mary Agnes finds out who almost set St. Nicholas of Tolentine ablaze by lighting all the altar candles... shall I go on?!?!? Oh Kris... she made me say these things! She made me!

caspar608 said...

I plead the fifth. The whole fifth and nothing but the fifth. So help me God...

KRISALMIGHTY said...

OMG!! OK I'M HAVING PALPITATIONS HERE....Y'ALL MADE MY DAY.....I HAD A SISTER MARY ADNES TOO...6TH GRADE.....I KNOW UR KIND AND FUN LOVING....BUT I KNOW UR CRAZY TWIN.....LOVE YOU BOTH....LOVE ME SOME COCOA!!!

Anonymous said...

The phase, "Going to hell in a hand basket" comes to mind. You are so twisted. Here your parents are in the Twilight of their lives, and you are forcing them to sleep throw it. Amazing! By the way, can you hood a brother up; I’m going to visit my folks next week, (big smile). “That’s going ta’ be one big ole’ hand basket”.

-JMoo'