Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Afternoon Edition - 5/25/05

On Blast
Lady Long Legs is On Blast with: Are you willing to be the other woman or the other man? If so, why?
To help make an educated or mature choice to LLL’s questions, we should explore the issue at hand – infidelity. FACTS: Merriam-Webster defines infidelity as unfaithfulness to a moral obligation or disloyalty; marital unfaithfulness or an instance of it. For our purposes we’ll focus on the first part of Merriam’s definition and say that if you’re in a committed relationship and engage in ANY behavior that proves unfaithful to your partner you are showing signs of infidelity. Many individuals engaging in infidelity will attribute their act(s) as justified for one reason or another. Ultimately, here’s the bottom line – As responsible and mature adults there is NEVER a justifiable reason for infidelity. That said, the cause for infidelity boils down to one central point – the inability to openly communicate issues with your partner. The issues can range from sexual dissatisfaction, boredom or simply refusing to accept responsibility for your actions. Outside of rape, ALL cases of infidelity can be prevented. FARCE: Those who participate in affairs outside of their relationships are sometimes diluted into believing that they are above discovery. The cheating party will sometimes reason that the affair is a short-term fix for a long-term problem and that no one is aware of their clandestine activities. Unfortunately, affairs are initially recognized but ignored by the betrayed partner who will sometimes reason away glaring clues to an affair. Additionally, some betrayed partners willfully accept cheating in an effort to keep an otherwise “good” relationship. In the end, the cheater is normally the last to recognize that everyone is aware of their activities. KARMA/TRUTH: Long story short, what goes around really does come around. Everyone will pay for their acts of betrayal and disloyalty in THIS lifetime. The hard-fast rule of how-you-get-your-partner-is-how-you-lose-him, always applies. Someone who meets you while in a relationship will more than likely repeat this behavior while engaging in a relationship with you. CONCLUSION: If you’re in a relationship, you should communicate with your partner – including when you’re feeling tempted or flirted-with by others. Your partner can sometimes help put things in perspective – this may even heat up things in the bedroom (there’s nothing more attractive than others finding your mate attractive!) Never start one relationship without ending another. Betrayal and disloyalty only serve to demean, degrade and devalue you, regardless of why you chose to do it. If you’re single, you should note that anyone willing to engage in a relationship with you while in a committed relationship will 1)more than likely not leave their partner for you and 2)if you manage to land them, they’ll do the same to you. Knowingly choosing to be the man/woman on the side completely removes all dignity from you as a person and places you in second position to the other party. FOOTNOTE: Openly dating and open relationships do not fall into the infidelity category, since all parties are aware of the entire situation and can make informed, conscious decisions. Never attempt an open relationship or open dating if you are ultimately seeking to convert your partner into a committed, closed relationship – you’ll only be disappointed and humiliated. Well, LLL, hope this helps folks answer your questions.

Keep passin’ the open windows…

44 comments:

FREAKING RICAN said...

Very well put Coco....I couldn't have said it any better....

Lady Long Legs said...

Two questions to your commentary:

1 – You stated that “everyone will pay for their acts of betrayal and disloyalty in THIS lifetime”. What if the person repents their sins? Will they still pay for their acts?

2 – You stated “open relationships do not fall into the infidelity category”. What if you are married with an open relationship (allegedly like Will & Jada)? Would that still not fall into the infidelity category?

Winnie said...

I heard the show yesterday on Love, Lust and Lies and it is totally unbelievable how many people try to justify cheating or being cheating on. Women were calling in honestly believing that they weren't losing anything by their man spending time with someone else b/c ultimately they were vested in the relationship and had so much to lose by leaving (i.e. kids, money, etc.) and felt like even though they knew about it, it was ok b/c he comes home to them!!! Whatever!!

Also, I'm sorry but who in the hell will stay in a relationship with someone who cheats on you and you are just dating. If you can't exhibit self control or you find any reason to swing your sword in another direction, then you clearly aren't worth my time!!!

Anonymous said...

Well I must admit, I didn't mind being the other woman. It depends on what you want out of the relationship. I have been in a relationship with a married man and I had no complaints. He gave me what I wanted and I gave him what he wanted. I filled in where his wife didn't. He wanted someone to listen to him and give him attention. His wife was so into the children, that she forgot she had a husband; the man who gave her the children. I didn't feel cheap. I felt I was being helpful. I was helping a lonely, neglected man feel needed and wanted; while getting what I wanted also.

Anonymous said...

Oh, so now we have a good samaritan on our hands!!! "I had to save him and drop my drawers to do so."

No, he couldn't talk to his wife. He ran to you and got you with the no attention excuse and you believed him.

Who's to say that he was meeting all of her needs? He wouldn't be able to handle it if the shoe was on the other foot.

Anonymous said...

According to him, she was not meeting his needs but we all know men are greedy and will lie to get what they want.

I wasn't going to mention this part but his other reason for cheating was that he wanted to bring another woman into the picture. He asked his wife and she refused. (Once again, she wasn't meeting his needs.) I didn't mind the other woman joining in. By the way, she was a woman he had an affair with previously and he told me about her. We met and decided to hook up. Neither of us wanted him as our man or husband so we gave him what he wanted and sent him back to his wife.

You are right. He would not have been able to handle his wife cheating. I have seen her several times but she had no idea who I was.

KRISALMIGHTY said...

YOU SAID A MOUTHFUL COCOA...SOUNDS LIKE YOU'VE BEEN THERE ON BOTH ENDS....LOL..ANYWAY I WHOLEHEARTEDLY AGREE WITH YOU WHEN YOU SAID " EVERYONE WILL PAY FOR THEIR ACTS OF BETRAYAL AND DISLOYALTY IN THIS LIFETIME" VERY PROPHETIC.

Jeanine said...

Very well stated Rican. I agree with your asessments and wanted to address LLL's additional question on repentance.

I do believe that once you confess your sins to the Lord you are forgiven however, you must be sincere in your repentance. If you have repented then you've asked God to forgive you and remove that spirit from your life FOREVER. Repentance is not a situational convenience. If you're serious and you want to change that behavior, then you will make a conscious effort from that point forward to do so. And being forgiven doesn't mean that you won't be "called out" on judgement day. Everyone will have to answer for the things they've done, right, wrong, or indifferent when their day comes but the beautiful thing is that, after all is said and done, there will be a place for you in Heaven should you choose to accept it.

That being said, a habitual cheater who confesses after each act may be forgiven but that does not mean that they will not suffer any consequences. Just because you confess your sins and God has forgiven doesn't mean that you will not be held accountable for actions at some point in time. them on judgement day. After all it is the good book that says you reap what you sew? So if that's the case, you get back what you put out and if it's cheating, then be prepared to be cheated on.

Anonymous said...

Well I am on the other side of the wall. I know my husband is cheating but I can't leave him. He is all I have. I need him and so do the kids. Even if it means me sharing him, I have to hold onto my husband.

LaLa said...

Wow!!! I must admit LLL, you picked a good topic. There have been some interesting posts.

LaLa

Lady Long Legs said...

Jeanine –

Thanks for responding now please help me understand.

This is what I got from your response:

If you repent (asking God for forgiveness) and truly mean it in your heart & soul and you never commit that sin again then you are forgiven but you still have to pay for your acts in this lifetime.

If that’s the case, why repent if you will suffer the same consequences as a non repenter.

Cocoa Rican said...

Okay... let me see if I can rap this up for y'all...

First, LLL...
Whether you're in a committed relationship or just dating, if you're in an open-style relationship (where ALL parties are completely aware) then the parameter of the relationship have changed and NO it is not infidelity. Bringing us to the ALL important issue of communicating with your partner on what's acceptable to you as a couple. On the issue of repentance... the Lord forgives you when you have have truly repented for your sins (including infidelity). Unfortunately, the laws of life and Karma dictate that the consequence for sin is death - translation: You still MUST pay! For example, the smoker who repents for abusing their body, is forgiven and saved, but ultimately dies of cancer.
Now... Anonymous... HONEY... come on! You may think you were getting what you wanted and were doing the married man a huge favor, but here's how it works - just as he will pay for not simply coming away from an unsatisfying marriage - you will also suffer terrible consequences for knowingly engaging as a player in a deceitful affair. (No moral high-horses, just the facts...so if you're twat catches fire or rots, you know why). Let me be clear.. I have been both the betrayed and the cheater and have LEARNED that to wipe the slate clean and prevent negative Karma you MUST live, date and love honestly. PERIOD! You won't always be the most beloved and popular person, but I'll be darned if you won't be the most respected and trusted person around. :)

Cocoa Rican said...

Oh... LLLL, in answer to your "Why repent if you suffer the same consequences" question... here goes... you repent to avoid the flames of hell making BBQ of that cheatin' ASS... plain and simple. You'll make mistakes in life but here's what tends to ease the blow to you and others....Admit your mistake, apologize and explain (1 time), make a concerted effort to never repeat the mistake, understand that the consequences are coming, accept your karma-ass-whopin' and grow... GROW....GROW...

Lady Long Legs said...

Anonymous -

You have to do what works for you and your family.

But I just want to tell you about my aunt’s situation. Her husband has been cheating on her for 30 years. He’s had a child outside of the marriage and he has purchased a home with this woman. My aunt has made it very clear that she can not leave because of her kids. Well, she’s in her 50’s now almost 60. He’s still cheating and my aunt is miserable. All three of her kids are grown but they all have serious issues because of what they were witnessed to in the home. The oldest daughter is in an abusive marriage, the son’s wife cheats on him and the youngest daughter start having kids at 16, she had 3 kids by the age of 19.

Food for thought….

Cocoa Rican said...

As for the Anonymous that MUST stick to her man... I'm so sorry for you... really. No sarcasm involved. There's notihng worse than feeling you CAN'T leave that man. Of course, the first step will be for you to realize that it has nothing to do with the money or the kids. It has everything to do with you. That's the saddest part. When you love someone, it almost feels like you'll do anything to keep them. It will take you time, but hopefully you'll recognize that you're giving up the best of your years in the "hope" that something will change and that he won't physically leave you. If you believe you can't leave, he definetely must know this... the biggest horror of all is that you don't see he left you a long time ago. Hmmm... my heart goes out to you. :\

Anonymous said...

My husband cheated on me, and I was the last to know. I had never thought of cheating, just wasn't in me do so. Then one day..... Well, we're both married and I feel as guilty as the sin it is. We're very discrete, don't see each other for weeks at a time. However, we hold daily conversations. This works for us. I will stop seeing/conversing him one day. As for now, I feel justified. As for his wife, I hope she never find out.

Anonymous said...

Hector, I want to thank you for this. One of the subjects really hit home. Even though I didn't post, I have gotten some very valuable information. Keep up the good work!

Anonymous said...

Anonymous with the cheating husband. Why didn't you just leave Sweetie? Revenge doesn't help the situation. You feel better in the beginning but then the guilt settles in. I have been in that situation and I did the same thing you did. Also, any type of communication with the other man that your husband isn't aware of is cheating. Cheating is anything you wouldn't do in the presence of your mate that you do. I will keep you in my prayers. I have been there and I know your pain!

Lady Long Legs said...

MY LAST QUESTION:

Cocoa,

As for me, I have had sex without being married and I had a child out of wedlock. I haven't repented for those sins so I'm burning in hell unless I repent. And when I do repent, I will still suffer the consquences. Is that correct?

Anonymous said...

Anonymous with the cheating husband. If you want to make this marriage work, go to Christian counceling. Don't you give up on your husband or your marriage. Have you thought about seperation. Sometimes time and space are the solution. (What God put together let no man OR woman put assunder.) You give your husband to God.

I have been cheated on and I know how it hurts but God understands and He will fix it. Keep your marriage, your self and your husband in prayer.

Anonymous said...

LLL...burning in hell has nothing to do with the sins you commit. It has to do with not repenting and accepting Christ as your savior. God forgives ALL sins. If you have asked Jesus to come into your heart and forgive you for your sins there is no way you are going to hell. God knows that we are not perfect. That is why we have been given the option of repenting.

God forgives us everytime we ask for His forgiveness if we truly mean it. I have also had a child out of wedlock. I have asked for God's forgiveness and I know he has forgiven me. Every morning He gives us new mercies and new grace. He is a forgiving God and don't you let nobody tell you that He won't forgive if you just ask. I would also recommend a good Sunday School class. The teacher will be able to answer your questions. Don't you ever stop asking questions about God and your future...ever!!!

Anonymous said...

My husband has stopped cheating. I'm the one doing it now. I have asked him numerous times to go to Christian counseling with me, or counseling period, just recently. He told me that he will not sit and tell his problems to anyone. Also said that no "man" or "woman" can tell him what to do or make suggestions as to what to do for that matter. He thinks that as long as he's not cheating, and taking of home (financially), then everything should be fine.

I think I'll go to counseling alone for my own self worth. I must get back my self respect and dignity. As for leaving him, that's a very strong possibility. I know he'll go into shock or perhaps have a coronary. Don't want him to die, but wake him up. Took me a while to learn, but my happiness is more important than anything.

LaLa said...

We must ALL repent for ours sins, no matter what they are.

LaLa said...

Anonymous...have you asked him why he cheated? Have you mentioned the possibility of you leaving him, to him?

I would agree with you going to counceling alone. Once you are in tune with your own feelings, you may be able to help him.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous...how did you find out he was cheating?

Anonymous said...

Once you have been cheated on, can you ever really trust that person again?

FREAKING RICAN said...

LLL,

I would like to chime in on sin/forgiveness. Pure and simple, if you do something that you feel in your heart is hurtful toward another person or to even yourself if you go to the Lord in prayer (that's just talking to him)and asking him to forgive you (believe me when I say he knows your HEART) he will forgive you. LLL, if you accept that GOD became a man to come to this world to die so that he can save us from every sin that we commit in our lifetime, you will never ever go to hell or be punished for what you did in the fleshly sinful nature that is in all of us. When we accept that he died for us and truly believe that with all of our soul there is nothing that you do from that point on that the Lord will not forgive you for as long as you come to him humbly. It took the murders of my mother and brother for me to finally realized that GOD has always been there for me but I choose to turn my back and ignored what he wanted from me and that was to accept what he did for me. LLL GOD is awesome he will never turn his back on you as long as you believe in what he did for you. No matter that you had a child out of wedlock or not. We are promised riches in heaven by what we put out for him not for what we put out for ourselves. So remember you will always do something that is sinful in nature but as long as you realized what you did and ask GOD for forgives humbly you will be forgiven period. I hope this helps somewhat.

Cocoa Rican said...

Let me be abundantly clear... God will always forgive you for your sins when you repent, but life's Karma has a way of having you take your consequences here on earth. That said, you will NOT burn in hell if you've asked the Lord for forgiveness and I believe raising a child conceived and born out of wedlock is difficult and trying in-and-of-itself. All said, value yourself first. If we're speaking as Christians, the Lord didn't give you a spirit of weakness and mediocrity. Don't cheat and expect the same from your partner. True, you should try to communicate and work out problems, but if you're with a dirty-low-down-HIV-carrying-candidate, ditch him and save yourself, your dignity and your family. Better you leave him and be there for you kids later, then to die by his side of a infectious disease begging the Lord to change him. Well... that's just me. Sometimes, we can't see the forest for the trees!

Winnie said...

Coco,

I truly have to commend you for bringing us all together to discuss this. In this case, we can all agree to disagree and I truly feel that there is no reason to allow someone to disrespect you and make you feel like you can't do better or you deserve half of a man.

I have been married almost 4 years but we have been together for almost 10 years. When you have nothing but complete and utter respect for someone, not to mention a deep love for that person, how can you bring yourself to hurt them in such an intimate way? I feel like my husband is burned into my soul and to know that he had been with someone else in the same way that he had been with me would tear me to pieces.

Early on in our marriage, I told him that I could forgive him if he cheated but only if he walked away from the person that he cheated with and never did it again, ever. He couldn't say the same b/c we have set such high standards in our marriage that it would kill him if he did that to me and he wouldn't be able to forgive himself and vice versa. After much thought I felt the same way.

You really have to reevaluate the bond that you have with that person if cheating is even a factor.

Anonymous said...

Cheating IS very traumatic to the innocent party! I'd like to share my experience:

A few years ago I fell head over heels in LOVE with a divorced man. He was divorced for 3 years and had 2 children. For me it was a love at first sight. After dating for a few years, we both decide to take the relationship to the next level {living together}. He buys a house {I picked it}, we pack our belongings and "live happily every after". Within 2 months of living together, I noticed a change in his behavior. He became distant and cold. To make a long story short, he starts having an affair with his "ex wife". After months of "wondering WHO, WHY, what did I DO", he finally confessed that he wants to get back together with his family! I was devastated! Not only did I lose the love of my life, but I had to relocate. Anyway, after that news - i left the house, moved back to with my parents, found an apt and I've been alone since!! It has been over 3 years since this incident happened to me and I still remember it as if it happened yesterday. So betraying/cheating can devastate an innocent soul. Be very careful with your actions and always think of the other person! Well try to.

Lady Long Legs said...

Cocoa,

I know you are going to rip me a new asshole for this but please be gentle...

According to the bible, homosexuality is a sin. Yet, this is a life style you have chosen and continue to practice. Obviously, you haven't repented because it's who you are. So will Karma come back on you?

My point is we don't know what will happen when we die. The bible is man written so how do we know if everything we read or have been taught is correct.

Please do not misunderstand, I do believe in God and I know he is merciful.

Cocoa Rican said...

Dear LLL,
I won't rip you a new asshole, since it appears you are having no problems spewing shit from the existing holes. That said, let me say this LOUD and CLEAR.
I was raised Christian and believe in the Lord Jesus Christ. I believe and accept the word as it is written and do not change any portion of it, in any way, to acommodate my lifestyle or orientation. Personally I believe homosexual acts (having sex with someone of the same gender) is a sin. That said, I have chosen to be true to my heart (especially since being gay is not something I've chosen, but something I am)and accept the reality that my choice to have sex with men will lead me to burn in hell. This is true, mainly because I do not repent for this sin and have left it to God to change things at his will. Also, I risk the obvious consequences of a gay lifestyle - ridicule, lack of offspring and inclusion in the highest risk group for HIV ever! For the record, I'm not offended and am happy to take on any other comments/questions regarding issues you may be completely in the dark about. SIDEBAR: My belief as a gay man is not shared by MOST of my gay friends and I also accept that. Enough said...
:::: can you believe this little bitch :) ::::::

Anonymous said...

TO Lady Long Legs:

That was very offensive and somewhat of a "personal attack" to Cocoa Rican! I dislike when people have negative views on homosexuality!! It's NOT THEIR FAULT!! JESUSSS CHRIST!!!!!! Anyway Lady Long legs!! It seems to me that you have been the "OTHER WOMAN" for a very long time! It's a shameful act and U SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF URSELF!!

caspar608 said...

Cocoa
Child - you came from a Pentecostal household. Where in the good book does it say ANYTHING about Karma. Christ Jesus stated "Do unto others as you would have done to you." If that is what you mean by "karma" so be it, just keep in mind that "karma" is actually derived from hindu and buddhist beliefs so in your heart try to determine what your true beliefs are in terms of universal or Christian Law. Christ was the direct manifestation of God's love or us. God never said, "OK kids, I died on the cross for you so that all your sins would be forgiven, but I am still going to punish you even if you are sorry". You see, I am a lot leery about that whole "karma" philosophy because by accepting circumstaces as your "karma" means you are not accepting Christ as your savior.
Our behavior and choices dictate how others treat us in life. "Do unto others as you would have done to you". If a person witnesses that we have cheated on our "loved ones" (which is a loose term because love and fidelity go hand in hand) they in turn may do the same to us because they know how WE GET DOWN.
Pain is a warning that something is wrong - be it physical, mental or emotional pain. God does not want us to suffer the foolishness of the ungodly. Move on if someone is causing you pain and that someone has not accepted Christ as their personal saviour. Giving your body away to another is only going to diminish the covenant you have with God. I wish you all LOVE, PEACE AND HAPPINESS.

Cocoa Rican said...

Caspar... the "religion" issue arose later in the segment. In today's topic "religion" had NOTHING to do with anything. As for Karma.. it was another way for me to express that what goes around comes around. It does... like Wendy Williams says, "It is what it is."

caspar608 said...

FURTHER MORE COCOA RICAN
You are not going to burn in hell at any point in this lifetime because you have already accepted Jesus Christ as YOU personal savior. Homosexuality consists of sex between the same sex, but is having sex with someone of the opposite sex mean you are taking the moral high ground? Enough with the bullsit already!!! LLL, for the record, my dearest closest friend that I have known almost my entire life just happens to be a gay Christian man. The only thing that separates us from GOD is the belief that we are unworthy of His divine forgiveness and love. Hell is the absence of God's love. If we continue to believe that Our Father loves us BECAUSE HE CREATED US IN HIS IMAGE AND LIKENES than we will NEVER be separated from Him.
Cocoa, I love you so very much. Out of all the people I know, I know the Father will great you in paradise with open arms because you believe in His love. Don't believe the hype and don't believe the hate.
Can I get an AMEN!

caspar608 said...

Religion came into the mix because folks started talking about burn baby burn.
Infidelity destroys lives. Love rebuilds.
Adultery is forbidden according to the ten commandments; as is lying and stealing and taking the Lords name in vain, not honoring the Sabbath etc.
People make mistakes. Adultery is a mistake. SO you make a mistake, and you move on. Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative.

Maddy said...

Casper
I agree with you! The issue at hand took a major turn for the worse!

Good night all :)

Cocoa Rican said...

Okay folks, here's the scoop... today's topic is, being the other woman/man - hence, infidelity. How we morphed and eased on over to religion, homosexuality and hell-fire is beyond me. If these are also issues folks would like to discuss, please be sure to include your question and ask that it be addressed On Blast. Thank you all for participating today.. hope you got something out of it... much love... Keep passin' the open windows...

Lady Long Legs said...

Let me apologize to all that I offended. It was not my intention at all to attack anyone's sexuality. I thought we were openly talking as adults. I do not and never have had an issue with homosexuality.

As for me being the other woman, I am not. I'm happily married with kids. Right now, I'm struggling with issues with my spirituality. I know several woman who are being unfaithful and I wanted to know what others thought about the topic so I asked Cocoa to put it out there. But in his commentary he said that Karma will come back on those who sin. And since I'm struggling spirituality, I wanted understand on sin and repentance.

Once again, I apologize if Cocoa or anyone else was offended that was not my intent.

Cocoa Rican said...

Never that... I'm not offended by today's topic or the turn it took. I think it's great for folks to speak openly about anything - Period. I did not initially mention anything regarding religion and infidelity, outside of saying that "what goes around comes around" It's the circle of life concept. LLL, never feel you can't ask or speak on anything free. Don't worry about the Cocoa Rican.. he's a BIG boy who can take good care of himself. :)

Tammy said...

Question? Is anonymous on here to stir things up?...or is she that obtuse? No offense tended...really.

Tammy said...

Oh damn...it is just to many anonymous for me! I give up!!!

Tammy said...

Amen Casper608