Morning Edition - 5/10/05

My iPod Saves Lives – Riding the Subway in NYC
That little device that weighs less than that bottle of poppers you bought last Saturday night, but can hold 1,000 songs, is a life saver. Sure, Apple named it an iPod, but it’s only because the candy company already used Lifesavers and the truth is, I can probably credit my sanity – and clear criminal record, for that matter – on the ability to zone-out and listen to my favorite artists belt out one for their boy. Here’s my testimony in a nutshell…the Apple iPod mini I purchased over a month ago has recently played an important role at helping me ease-up on my ride into the office. It’s much easier to think happy thoughts when Mariah Carey is belting out, “You’ll always be my baby,” than listening to that incessant little underfed brat wail first thing in the morning. It has also helped block out that intimate conversation Lakreisha is having with her girlfriend Fuquaisha – who mind you, is standing 4 inches from her face – at volume 10. (But wait, the b*tch wonders why folks “are in her face!”) ::::: One moment, let me breathe a minute::::: My seven stop, 20 minute, train ride into the city is now taking well over an hour and the only thing between me and several counts of assault, battery and lewd conduct charges is my little silver cylinder with MP3s loaded into it. So, go to the comments section of this posting and give us one of your true-blue, “How My iPod Saved A Life Today” stories. I’m curious to know if I’m an isolated case of God’s mysterious hand or just another face in the throng of “tune-deaf” folks.

United – We Love To Fly, But We’re Broke
United Airlines, who filed Chapter 11 bankruptcy in December 2002, has not recovered from the September 11 terrorist attacks. Since their filing, United has slashed salaries, rolled back pay increases, cut staff and is now looking to cut employee pensions. The sky mattresses (aka flight attendants) have threatened to sue the airline if they attempt to slash their benefits. United is straight-up turning into “Ghetto Airlines” as they risk having as many as eight 767 jets repossessed if deadlocked negotiations can’t be resolved. What does the airline “repo” man look like?!

DCs Metro A Rolling Billboard
Advertising is one way to bring cash to the strapped Metro Transit System in DC. So, Metro officials wrapped entire cars – trains really – in advertisements. One train advertisement for McDonalds has train doors on the Orange Line opening with the golden arches on them. I’d hate to see what the Trojan condom train will show on its opening and closing doors… hey, I’m just saying. The pilot program is scheduled to last three months unless other advertisers are willing to fork over the $54,000 to be emblazoned on a train. Metro presently generates over $29 million in annual advertisement using their buses and trains.

Clear The Area – Meet the Parents
Last night I spent approximately three hours parent-proofing my apartment. My parents are scheduled to touchdown at JFK airport, in NYC, this afternoon. As a single guy, you never really notice how much is in your place that a married, older, Christian couple might find offensive. Two trash bags of porn, a box of liquor bottles, a back-pack of prescription sedatives later and my apartment is as welcoming and warm as an 83-year old Jehova’s Witness' pad. Okay… more like a 50-year old Protestant… but you get the picture. Per Mom, I have nothing to worry about since they’re just happy to see their dear son…yeah, like I’m falling for that line!

Keep passin’ the open windows…